"And ye love the fool, dinnae ye?"
Jolene was so startled by what Fiona said, she blurted out the truth. “Aye, I believe I might, but it might be better if I did not."
"Why do ye say that?"
There was something about Fiona that made Jolene feel she could confide in the woman and, more important, trust her with those confidences. “I am English and ‘tis increasingly clear that having an English wife is not something Sigimor will be praised for. I have only known him a few days, less than a sennight. Such a short acquaintance to risk a lifetime upon. Especially when that time has been fraught with danger, something I fear might well cause some confusion about what one might truly feel."
"I didnae ken Ewan for verra long before I was certain he was right for me, that he was my mate. At the time, we both had enemies, but it didnae confuse me that much about all that I was feeling for my husband. Most people would have thought me utterly mad to choose him for he was seen as a hard, cold mon. Somehow, I just kenned, deep in my heart, that that was simply the face he showed the world. It took time for him to believe in me and for me to find that hidden mon."
The message within Fiona's tale was easy to read, but Jolene was not sure it really applied to her and Sigimor. “I do not think Sigimor hides all that much of himself, although I do believe what he does hide is the very thing I want."
Fiona nodded. “His heart. In matters of the heart, men can be such cowards, although I would ne'er use that word to their faces. I ken my brother Connor was and so was my husband. E'en my brother Diarmot to some extent. The men shielded their hearts, their softer feelings, as if they were sheltering the king's treasure. Then again, to the women who love them, tis as rich a prize. Sigimor is akin to them in some ways, but I dinnae think the walls he has built are quite so high."
"Probably not, but the real question is whether or not he will allow me to scale them. And yet, it might be best if I do not even try. Failure might be worse than not trying at all. He married me to keep me out of Harold's grasp. Why are you shaking your head like that? You heard him say so himself."
"I did and I dinnae doubt his word. What I dinnae believe is that it was the only reason."
Jolene blushed. “Well, he did mention one other."
"Passion, of course. A mon doesnae have to take a wife to find that.” Fiona smiled at the boy who brought them each a tankard of mulled cider and sipped at hers until she was certain he was out of hearing distance again. “As I said, a mon doesnae marry a lass just because he is lusting after her. He either finds himself some willing lass to ease the need or he seduces the one he really wants. And, if Sigimor didnae want ye as his wife, but still felt ye were in need of a husband to protect ye from Harold, he would have tried to have one of his brothers or cousins marry ye. Nay, he wanted ye for his wife. The hard part will be in trying to find out thewhyshe isnae telling ye."
As she sipped her drink, Jolene thought over all Fiona had said. There did seem to be the hint of more than passion and a sense of duty within Sigimor. He had shown distinct signs of possessiveness, even jealousy. He also worried about her and saw to her care in ways that surely went beyond simple duty. She sighed, realizing that she was grasping at any reason to believe he had some strong feeling for her. That was a dangerous path to tread, full of pitfalls.
"I do not know what to think,” she finally said. “I also cannot forget Reynard's importance in all of this."
"Ah, aye, the boy.” Fiona smiled briefly. “A fine lad. He is bedded down with all the other young lads, mine and some of the brothers’ children. Tis a weighty responsibility ye carry. I ken ye will be faced with some verra hard choices once Sigimor ends the threat Harold poses."
That was something Jolene was trying hard not to think about only to realize that that was not only foolish, it was cowardly. Those hard choices would not miraculously disappear simply because she tried to ignore them. The sensible thing would be to keep them to the forefront of her mind, to accept that everything she did now would affect them. Once she made her choice, there would be no turning back, and it would be best to gain as much knowledge as possible before that time came. The reasons to stay with Reynard were clear. The reasons to stay with Sigimor were not. Not yet.
"Is there someone ye would trust to raise the lad, someone who would care for him as if he were his own bairn?” Fiona asked.
Jolene immediately thought of her cousin Roger and his wife. “Aye, but I cannot be sure the guardianship of the boy would fall to him. My cousin Roger and his wife are young, but childless after ten years of marriage. Roger and my brother were also very close. He is a good, honest man as well. ‘Tis just that our king may take a hand in the choosing of a guardian."
"Bah, kings.” Fiona rolled her eyes. “Meddling where there is no need. Indeed, that could be a problem. Ye can be fair sure the king willnae think only of the child when he makes his choice. Didnae your brother e'er set down his preferences?"
"I suspect he did, but Harold has probably gotten rid of all such documents since he would not want anyone to see them and use them against him. The best I can hope for is that one of my kinsmen whom I like and respect has the ear of the king, but I do not know who might have that sort of power. If there is one, I do not think Harold knows him, either.” Jolene shook her head and took a deep drink of her cider to quell the sudden urge to cry. “Tis too much to sort through, I fear. Too many uncertainties."
Fiona reached over and patted the hand Jolene had clenched tightly in her lap. “Aye, I suspicion there are, and pleased I am that I have ne'er had to face such choices. Now, myself, I would cast aside my worries about Reynard. Ye ken what he needs and what he must do. The only uncertainty there is who will be standing at his side. Ye cannae do anything about it now, mayhap ever, so set it aside. Simply pray that whate'er mon steps forward is one ye want and wee Reynard needs."
"Very reasonable,” Jolene said, duly impressed. “Do you know, I used to be a reasonable person, too, but reason and calm good sense have abandoned me of late."
"The curse of love, I fear. Love enters your heart and your wits leak right out your ear.” She shared a laugh with Jolene. “Ah, and that time when one doesnae ken if one has any hope ofbeingloved is the worst. The second part of what I wish to say is that ye must now fix your thoughts upon your husband. Ye must decide what ye want from him, then look closely to see if ye have any chance of gaining the prize."
"And how do I gain that prize? What did you do?"
"I loved him. Simple, aye? There really isnae anything else ye can do. All else tastes a wee bit too much like trickery and trying to change yourself to better suit what ye think the fool might like is also fraught with peril."
Simple, indeed, thought Jolene, if one did not have the restrictions she did. There was Reynard to consider. Even if she approved the one chosen to be his guardian, could she really turn away from the child? Knowing that some day Peter would marry again, Jolene had tried to hold fast to being just Reynard's aunt, not allowing the boy to think that she was his mother or ever could be, but the bonds between them were strong. He was just a small child who had already suffered so much, losses he probably did not fully understand. Could she really ask him to suffer yet another? Fiona was right to say she could do nothing about it now, but she doubted she could completely stop worrying about it.
In many ways the question of Reynard's future had a lot to do with her future with Sigimor. She did want more than passion and duty from him, but would it be fair to try and get it? Knowing that she had won a place in Sigimor's heart, could actually have the sort of marriage she had always wanted, would indeed be wonderful. Yet, when she still might have to leave him in order to stay with Reynard, Jolene could not help but think it might also be cruel. Watching Sigimor and Ewan walking toward her and Fiona, Jolene knew she was already doomed to suffer heartache if she chose to remain with Reynard. It did not seem fair to try to win Sigimor's love only to make him suffer the same pain.
"Ye are looking verra serious, wife,” Sigimor said as he sat down beside her on the bench and draped his arm around her shoulders.
"We were discussing all her troubles,” said Fiona. “Och, the greed of men has e'er been a source of woe."
"If ye didnae want me to ken what ye were talking about, ye could have just said so,” Sigimor drawled. “Although I must admit that was a finely worded diversion.” He grinned when both women glared at him.
"Ewan, Sigimor just called me a liar,” Fiona said, frowning at her grinning husband. “Ye should be defending my honor."
