“So, no midwife.”
“Nay. He ne’er allowed one. Said women were made to have bairns. They didnae need any help.”
“I am sorry, Bethoc. Sorry that ye can ne’er be certain, either.”
She nodded. The uncertainty over how the babies had died would probably always trouble her. Each had stolen a piece of her mother’s heart and mind. All she could do was pray that, if they had been born alive, Kerr had killed them before burying them.
“Ye realize ye dinnae call him Father any longer.” Her eyes widened in surprise and she looked up at him. She knew she had constantly told herself she should stop calling him Father. Yet she was not sure exactly when she had stopped. At some time even the habit of it had just stopped. He had simply become Kerr in her mind, and her heart. The few times she spoke to him she did not call him by any name at all.
“Aye, I suppose I have. Sad, isnae it.”
“Aye”—he brushed a kiss over her temple—“but ye have made the family he didnae give you. Ye have been the mother to all those lads dragged off the streets.”
“Nay a verra good one,” she muttered. “They still got hit.”
“What did I say about this guilt ye wish to carry?” He tilted her face up to his and kissed the tip of her nose.
“That I am a wee lass who couldnae stop him,” she said, and grimaced. “I ken it. I do and ye are right in all ye say. Yet I cannae stop thinking that I should have been able to do something about it all. It just doesnae seem right that one mon can hold so many others with just the power of his fists.”
“It wasnae just that. He got the lads when they were little. May weel have gotten them off the street. What did they have? With him they had a place to sleep and food to eat. A powerful temptation. All they had to do was avoid his fists.”
“And as Colin said, they had nowhere to go anyway,” she murmured.
“Aye, so why leave. And, they had you.”
“Oh, I dinnae think they thought on that much.”
He decided not to argue with her about that. She could not see how she had become a mother to them all. Instead he turned her in his arms so that he could kiss her more thoroughly.
Bethoc gave herself over to his kiss. She hated to admit it, but it was why she had come. She had missed the feel of being in his arms, of the sheer delight she got from kissing him. It was a delight that lingered in her thoughts long after she left his side. By the time he pulled away she could barely catch her breath and she rested her head against his chest. It pleased her to hear his heart pound and his breathing was also harsh, as if he too was having difficulty.
Callum rubbed her back and Bethoc smiled. It was nice to just lie curled up beside him and be soothed. She did not really need soothing but enjoyed it too much to move. Finally, however, she had to sit up, for time was passing and she did not want to get home after Kerr had returned. The man asked too many questions when she did.
“I have to go,” she said as she climbed off the pallet.
“’Tis still light.”
“I ken it but if I come in after Kerr has come home he pesters with questions I cannae answer. He has already accused me of slipping away to meet with a mon. I dinnae trust him to keep ignoring that now.”
“Nay.” He dragged himself up off the pallet. “It would be best if ye dinnae get in any trouble o’er this. What have ye told him?”
“That I am keeping a close watch on some berry bushes so that I might harvest some of the berries before the birds do.”
“Clever.” He gave her a quick kiss.
“That may be but I dinnae think he will believe it for verra long.” She grimaced. “And I am nay the best of liars.”
“No shame in that, just rather inconvenient at times.”
She laughed. “Oh, aye. Verra inconvenient.”
He leaned against the inside of the cave opening as she moved some of the shrubs, enjoying how she looked. When she stood up and picked up her basket, he grasped her by the hand and pulled her up against him. She felt right there, in his arms.
“Ye would run off without giving me a kiss?” he teased. “Coldhearted woman.”
Bethoc laughed softly and gave him a kiss before slipping free of his hold and hurrying off down the path. She always felt so much lighter and happier after she had spent time with him. It was something that should probably bother her but she would not let it. One day soon he would have to leave and return to being a laird, a man far above her touch. For now, she intended to thoroughly enjoy what she could share with him.
By the time her home came into view she lost a lot of that happiness. Bethoc felt a weight settle over her and sighed. It was not what one should feel when coming home. She straightened her shoulders and went forward. There was no other choice.
