“In fact the Collective preys on that. It’s a half gang, half cult, in that sense. Providing these kids with the fatherly attention they’re so desperate for. Ryan won’t care that it comes with criminal activities or a threat to his life, hell, that adds excitement to it. But he’s desperate for parents. Desperate for a father’s mentorship and approval. A sister can’t be expected to be a mom, let alone a momanddad. It’s not fair what your parents did to you, and it’s not your fault that these guys got a hold of Ryan. They’re professionals at this.”
I frowned. “Okay.” He was telling me the truth. Or his version of it. I needed to listen. I didn’t like what I was hearing, but I knew he was telling me the truth. He had experience here, and I needed to hear him out. It wasn’t like I’d been able to convince Ryan to come home when I had the chance. And this was giving me valuable insight into Ryan and what he needed. I appreciated OD for having this conversation with me even though it wasn’t easy.
“It was why I joined the military. I needed more. Even with a mother, I needed to get out and be my own man, get out of the house, out of the nest, and be on my own. A thing I wasn’t able to find at home. Ryan would need that even if your parents had stuck around. Without them… It was almost inevitable that something like this would happen.”
Studying his face, I relaxed and accepted his words. “Is there any way Icanhelp?”
“Keep loving him,” he said. “When he comes home and realizes he fucked up in a big way, and I’ll make sure he does, be there for him. That’s a major power of women. The love and care they give us men. We will move mountains for you. Defend nations. Nothing can outmatch you in our eyes.”
I frowned again. “I’d never not love him.”
“Exactly.”
“I’m confused.”
“That love you have for him is exactly what he needs. What will ultimately save him. You’re showing him how to be capable of the same kind of love and acceptance, once he’s done figuring out who he is. After working for the Collective he’s not going to like who he was before. He’ll be a new version, who they let him become. He’s really going to need you then. It’s part of the deprogramming.” OD lips quirked up on one side. “It’s what you’ll do for your brother. For Teddy. And it will be the most powerful, important thing anyone can do for them.”
My chest warmed at the idea that I would eventually be able to help my brother and his friend. Even if I couldn’t pry him away from the monsters who had their claws in him. There was a way for me to save him. “Okay.”
He huffed out a breath. “We’ll be preparing to follow Carrick’s section of The Collective.”
“When?” I asked, eyes widening.
“Tomorrow. You can come with my group.”
“I thought you’d be too distracted to have me there?” I asked.
“Better you’re with me, where I can keep an eye on you, than on your own. If you change your mind, that would really make my life easier…”
“I can’t,” I told him, ignoring the look of regret that flashed over his face. I didn’t want to put these men into danger, so I’d do whatever he told me to while we were out, but I needed to be a part of this. It didn’t matter if it was selfish. It was what I needed and I was going along.
I went out the door and sat in one of the camp chairs the men had outside. Watching Bolo’s father and brother working, I thought about everything OD had just told me. It sort of made sense, based off Ryan’s behaviors over the last couple years. I’d even thought, more than once, it was like he was searching for something.
A sense of belonging he couldn’t seem to find. Maybe OD was right and it was because our mother abandoned us. Or our fathers had. Or maybe he was also searching for a thing that would give his life meaning. Or all three. I wasn’t sure. But whatever Ryan needed, I wanted to help him find it. Or cheer him on from the sidelines.
I watched Bolo and Relay walk out and start speaking with their father and older brother. And I bit back a smile as the four began arguing. They couldn’t seem to get more than a few sentences into a conversation without yelling at each other. Yet, it was easy to see how much they cared for each other. If anyone made the mistake of pointing it out, their flesh would be stripped from their bones in a nanosecond by four defensive men, but it was the truth.
It was the same way with the MC brothers. It was obvious they all loved and cared for each other. But they hounded one another mercilessly the majority of the time. It just made me realize, I really didn’t understand men. No wonder I’d struggledto give two fifteen-year-old boys what they needed. I fed them, clothed them, gave them a roof over their head, and yes loved them, but they needed a group like this.
It made me wonder if OD and the others could help them? I hoped so. I didn’t want to bring Ryan home just to lose him again. Whatever it took. Whatever he needed. If I could figure out what it was, I’d give it to him.
My brows shot up as the men’s heads turned as one and they all fell silent. I followed their gazes and watched as a woman marched up to them. She was about five-six, with brown curly hair, and a penetrating stare. I didn’t need to ask anyone to know this was Chad’s wife, the brothers’ mother. The way her men all snapped to attention when she started laying into them told me as much.
I watched with a grin as she waved a finger at her sons. One by one, they kissed her cheek, even Relay, then disappeared off to wherever they were supposed to be working. I bit the insides of my lips when Chad grabbed her by the hips and reeled her in closer. He was trying to schmooze his way out of whatever trouble he was in. The way the woman relaxed into his touch told me it was working.
I now knew exactly how she felt. Whenever OD grabbed me like that he managed to change my mind in a hurry. Most of the time. Not always. I wondered if that kind of a future was possible for me? Was I too broken for a husband and kids? I hadn’t run from OD yet. And I was beginning to realize, I really didn’t want to. Even the thought of getting married and having my own children no longer sent me into fits of being unable to breathe.
More than that, the thought of having kids with OD had me hoping that I might get it right. That I wouldn’t be a fuck up like my own parents, and that my kids would lead a life better than what Ryan and I had lived. Maybe I could do good for them, maybe I could be a good mom.
Maybe I was growing. Healing. Who knew? But if OD and the MC could fix me, then they could probably fix Ryan and Teddy. I had to believe it was true.
I watched in amusement as the brothers came back out and had various reactions to catching their parents kissing each other. Relay rolled his eyes, his lip curled in disgust as he stalked off again.
“Get a damn room,” Isaac muttered, looking away from the happy couple as he went back over to the work site.
But Bolo. He paused, watching his parents with a look of longing that made me wonder if he was lonely. Everyone had this idea of what MC guys were like. Womanizers. Partiers. And from what I could tell it was mostly true, but I’d also seen Kilo with Mercy, and hadn’t missed the way OD stared at me.
There was a sadness on Bolo’s face that made me want to go give the man a hug. I didn’t, because he probably wouldn’t appreciate it. And even if he did, I knew OD wouldn’t. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to comfort OD’s friend. Instead, I sat there, watching as Bolo eventually moved on and so did his parents.
