As much as she wanted to follow him off the cliff, to follow him anywhere, she felt herself pulling away from the edge.
What if her body got dashed on the rocks below?
It had taken her three long years to heal after her last heartache.Could she honestly afford to expose herself to new danger?
Because, in the end, love was the greatest danger.It was the biggest risk and it led to the most terrible losses.
She’d already lost so much, and she was in a position to lose Nick.She’d known it from day one.
A tremble began deep inside her chest, but she bit it back.
“I need to see you,” he said.“Mind if I turn on the light?”
“Go ahead.”Claire sat up.
When Nick saw her, his face broke into a heartbreaking smile.“You’re wearing my sweaty T-shirt.”
“It was dry when I put it on.It smells nice, like deodorant, and you.”
“But you weren’t wearing anything when we went to sleep.”
“I sometimes get chilly in the air conditioning.I woke up about an hour ago and grabbed it from the floor.”She’d also wanted to hold a piece of him close, but she didn’t share that detail.
“I like how it looks on you.You might need to keep it.”He ran a hand over her messy hair, and played with a few of the strands.His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.“I need to tell you something.”
She nodded, her eyes stinging, already envisioning how this would go.
“I realize we’ve only known each other for a short time, but I can’t hide what’s in my heart anymore.I’ve been trying so hard to keep things casual between us, but I can’t.When I look at you, I don’t see anything casual.I see someone who’s becoming more important to me every goddamn day.And I can’t fight it.I’ve tried, for your sake, but I’m not strong enough.”His nostrils flared as he inhaled.“Claire, I have such feelings for you.”
“Nick…”
“I know it’s not what you want from me, but I just can’t do this ‘friends with benefits’ thing.It’s eating me up.”
“I never wanted to hurt you.I figured it was what we both wanted, what made sense.”
“So did I at first, but I was wrong.I want more.And now I need to know, doyouwant more…with me?”
She grasped the only detail that felt tangible anymore.“But your job.”
“Right now, I don’t care about my job.I would give it up in a heartbeat for you.All I care about is you.All I think about is you.Claire, I know you said you needed time, and I’m willing to give you whatever you need.I realize we’re headed in two different directions, but I have to believe there’s a way to make it work.I just need to know if there’s hope for us.It doesn’t have to be today.It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but please tell me there’s hope for us some day.Because I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
Claire blinked back the tears in her eyes.Deep down, she’d known all along that this thing between her and Nick was powerful, and yet she’d deluded herself time and again.
The time for delusions was over.He needed an answer, and she had to be strong enough to give it to him.
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” he urged.“Don’t overthink it.Just say what’s in your heart.”
“Myheart.”Claire spat the word, as all her long-withheld emotions stampeded over her flimsy walls.She slipped out of the bed and began to walk around, even though she had no idea where she was going.She crossed her arms, which probably made her look angry, but she really just wanted to hold his T-shirt close to her skin.“My heart is a fool.”
“Claire.”
“No, really.My heart was supposed to protect me.My heart led me to believe I could handle this…whatever it is we’re doing, when clearly I can’t.My heart told me it was okay to keep things casual, but then it just got sucked in anyway, despite my best efforts.Because you’re amazing, Nick, and I’m miserable when I can’t see you.And now, my stupid, weak heart is telling me to take the plunge with you, even though I can’t see the bottom of the pool.”
He got out of bed and stood with her, so beautiful in his nakedness.“Your heart isn’t a fool.Tell me what it says.”
“I don’t know how to be honest with you about my feelings, Nick, because I can’t even be honest with myself.”
He held her by the arms, in a firm but gentle embrace.“Yes, you can.There’s no wrong answer here.”
