“No, you didn’t.”
“I might as well have. I may not have bashed her head on that resort floor, but I initiated the chain of events that got us there.”
“What do you mean?”
“It all started when I opened my clubs in New York. The funny thing is I met her there. She was one of my first customers. We got to know each other. She was beautiful and fun and it seemed right, but from the beginning, I sensed she was clingy. It didn’t bother me at first. I liked having her around, but it got intense. She didn’t like me talking to other women at the clubs and used to hang on my arm, watching their reactions to me. I wasn’t flirting with anyone else. I’ve had girlfriends cheat, and I made up my mind I would never do it. But Shannon never trusted me, not really.”
“Why not?”
“Same story as everyone else. She’d been cheated on herself, several times. I didn’t blame her for being suspicious and I promised her she didn’t have to worry about me. But as my nightclubs became more popular, the clientele began to change. It wasn’t just New York club kids anymore. Celebrities were starting to call. I added VIP suites. We started getting a lot of attention.”
“You were growing your business.”
“To Shannon, those movie actresses and popstars were just more women she couldn’t compete with. She stopped coming to the clubs and would ask me a hundred questions when I got home, grilling me on who was there, who I’d spoken to. It got on my nerves, and little by little, I started to spend more time away from home. I didn’t want to have to account for all my actions.”
“Of course, not.”
“My circle of friends expanded. All of a sudden, I was rubbing elbows with some very influential people. I won’t lie. I found it exciting.”
“Anyone would. Look at your friends, Alex.”
“Friends, right. The thing is, these people who come to my clubs, they’re not really my friends. They use me as much as I use them. My clubs became a place for me to forget, a place to escape. A place to, well, covet what I couldn’t have.”
Just as Covet had become that place for Dana.
“Some mornings,” Alex continued, his voice quiet, “I wake up and I hate those people with everything in me. Shannon recognized that but I wouldn’t listen to her. She got tired of competing with fakes and losers, and I don’t blame her anymore. After she died, my business seeped into my life. I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length. No real connections meant no pain. Deep down, I think I might be the biggest fake of all.”
“Oh, Alex. You’re not a fake. You’ve been nothing but real with me.”
“I want to be that for you. I want to be everything you need me to be, and not just because I couldn’t do that for Shannon. Because you mean a great deal to me and I think you might be one of my only real friends in the world.”
It broke her heart. Although surrounded by adoring people, Alex felt utterly friendless.
“But there is one thing my fake friends have given me. Because they never get too close either, they’ve pretty much accepted me as I am, which is something I don’t always get from the rest of the world. My reputation doesn’t bother them. They don’t care what the press labels me. If someone calls my past sordid, they embrace it. When Shannon’s family blamed me for what happened…”
“Whatdidhappen?”
“That night in Bermuda, Shannon and I had an argument, a bad one. She accused me of flirting with the waitress at dinner. I’d finally had enough. I called her insecure. I called her a lot of things. She said I was cold, unfeeling. And you know what? In that moment, I was. I stopped caring. I stopped trying. I had brought her on that trip to try to fix our relationship but she couldn’t see that. She couldn’t see past her jealousy. We’d both had a bit to drink that night. She took off, saying she wanted to clear her head.” He choked on his words. “And I let her go. I should have chased after her. I should have made her stay in our room, but I was so fed up. Sosickof feeling guilty for nothing!”
“But you stayed behind.”
His shoulders slumped. “They figure she must have stumbled in the dark. And like I said, we’d been drinking.” Alex gazed, unseeing, through the waterfall toward the pool deck. “Shannon must have wandered to the pool. She fell and hit her head on a concrete ashtray pillar. A resort employee found her the next morning when he went to clean the pool.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Alex’s face twisted. “She died that night, because of me.”
“Alex, honey, no.” She grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips. “No, no, no. It’s not your fault.”
“It might as well be. That night I met you, at the tiki bar, I had just moved to town and was feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stop wondering if things might be different if I’d followed her. Whether any of it even mattered at all.”
“You were there to forget everything. Just like me.”
He nodded. “But my demons won’t let me forget. If I’d been better to Shannon, she might still be here today.”
“Alex, you listen to me. You are a very good man, and even if Shannon was still here today, you might still be having the same arguments. Sure, you might have gotten married, but that wouldn’t have fixed anything. It might only have added to your stress. What happened to Shannon was horrible and sad, and I’m so sorry for her, but you need to stop beating yourself up. You can’t live this way. It’ll kill you.”
“There are people who believe I’m guilty.”
