“Why is this happening? I’ve got a beautiful woman in front of me, completely naked and willing, and I can’t get over the fact she’s wearing her mate’s mark. I should be able to let it go.” His footsteps echoed in the room. “Why can’t I let this go? Lloyd was my best friend. He loved us both. He’d want us to be happy. This shouldn’t be so fucking hard.”
His voice cracked. Somewhere in that fissure, his pain seeped out, like gas from a burst pipe.
All of a sudden, Elaine recognized his outburst for what it really was. It had nothing to do with bite marks and jealousy. It had nothing to do with God’s bizarre sense of humor or possessiveness.
Elaine heard the same tones of anguish in Connor’s voice that she’d heard in herself so many times.
This was grief.
As he paced in front of her, his shoulders hunched, as if his sense of loss was whipping his body over and over. She could almost envision the deep lacerations it left behind. It exposed his tender flesh, cutting to the bone.
It struck her that Connor might never have allowed himself to grieve. He’d been so strong for everyone else and had probably never permitted himself to break down.
He needed to let it out. If this was his moment, she would do everything she could do help him through it. His pain would make her strong.
“Lloyd wasn’t supposed to die that day. I don’t imagine you’d know that.”
“What?”
He stood still, the corners of his mouth turned downward. “It was supposed to be me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s true. When we were making arrangements to take the Alpha Brethren compound, Ryland needed a few people to stay behind and guard the lodge. He stationed a few other men here as sentries. And then he turned to me. Lia and Charlotte were pregnant, of course, and couldn’t fight with the others. Ry said he trusted me to look after them.”
A sinking sensation assaulted Elaine’s stomach.
“I was pissed. I wanted to see action. I didn’t want to stay behind in a cozy lodge while everyone else fought the Brethren. August Crane and his minions hurt so many of our friends, and I wanted a piece of them. I wanted to make a difference.
“I complained to Lloyd. He was always a good listener. Lloyd reminded me it could get dangerous here on the island as well, but I was convinced I’d be sitting around, twiddling my thumbs.”
Bile crept up her throat.
“I made such a fuss Lloyd finally agreed to change places with me. And frankly, I felt good about the decision because that meant he wouldn’t have to fight. He was a family man. He had you and the kids, and I didn’t want him in the thick of the action. Me, I had no one. I thought it would be better if he stayed home while I joined the fray.”
And yet Lloyd had been thrust into his own battle because of the decision.
“Because of my selfish actions, because I wanted to be a hero, Lloyd died that day.” Connor made a choking noise. He blinked, and tears clung to his eyelashes. “I killed my best friend. It’s all my fault.”
Elaine’s bear reared up on its hind legs and roared in agony. She, on the other hand, couldn’t make a sound. She had no words, no voice. The only thing that made sense to her in that moment was to curl up on the floor in the fetal position and never get up again.
Lloyd didn’t have to die that day. He might still be alive if…
If what? If he hadn’t talked to Connor?
That was bullshit. Elaine knew for a fact Lloyd made his own decisions. He wouldn’t have let Connor force him into doing anything he didn’t want to do. Being a family man, it was likely important to him to protect Charlotte and Lia. He would have understood the worries of their mates. If Lloyd had decided to hang back at the resort that day, it was because he would have believed it was where he could make a difference.
And he had. Because of his actions, two women and their unborn children were saved from gruesome deaths at the hands of killers who had no mercy.
Connor might have initiated a conversation that day, but Lloyd’s actions were his own. If Connor had been the one to stay behind, there was no guarantee the Brethren would have even attacked. Everything might have been different. They might have changed course. They might have attacked from a different angle and slaughtered everyone on the island. Who was to say the outcome would have been the same? It could have ended up with even more lives being devastated.
This wasn’t Connor’s fault, and yet he’d been carrying that burden for almost a year. The knowledge made Elaine want to weep. It wasn’t right that he should hurt so much and that he should be so lonely in his pain.
She stood and touched his arm. “Connor.”
He flinched as if she’d slapped him. The whites of his eyes were red. “You must hate me.”
Did she?
