“I feel such guilt. If I’m happy, about anything, it’s like I’m making a mockery of what I had with Lloyd. If I stay in my hole, at least I feel like I’m doing him justice. As if I’m honoring his sacrifice.”
“This is Lloyd we’re talking about. He wouldn’t want that kind of honor, but I understand what you’re saying. The guilt is part of me too, and I’m sure I’ll feel it for a while.”
When she looked up, her cheeks were full of streaks. “I was a douchebag tonight.”
“No, sweetheart. You weren’t.” He laughed. “Besides, you can always flip out in front of your family. We don’t mind, and we won’t disown you.”
“I don’t know what to do, Connor.”
“I wish I had the answers for you. I do know this much. You’ll find your strength again. You will. I’ll help you in any way I can, but I can’t tell you what to do.”
Her cheeks reddened. “Tonight you said you wanted to kiss me.”
No more backpedaling. No more denials. “It’s true. I still do.”
“Because of what Lloyd said?”
“No, Elaine. It freaked me out to hear Lloyd suggest it because we both know, in life, he would have clobbered me for even thinking it.”
She giggled.
“Let’s just say Lloyd’s strange appearance reminded me of a curiosity I forgot I had.”
Her blue eyes widened in wonder. “Really?”
“I care for you, lady. I always have. I just didn’t realize how much.” In saying the words, the imaginary armor encasing Connor’s body fell away. It felt good to speak the truth, even if she eventually turned him down. She had to turn him down, right?
“Wow.”
“I know. Heavy stuff, huh?”
“Yeah. Heavy stuff.”
“Look, Elaine. I know you have a lot to deal with. I don’t want to be a complication for you. I want to be the man who takes away your troubles. Just let me spend time with you. We can see what happens.”
“Connor, I…I wanted to kiss you too.”
“You did?”
She nodded.
His heart took flight. He was sure that was his heart bouncing up against the ceiling. “I’m happy to hear it.” He leaned in.
“I just can’t right now.”
He pulled back.
“I need to focus on the kids and on getting my life back in order. You do understand, don’t you?”
Just like that, it was as if someone shot an arrow through his soaring heart, sending the organ plummeting to the ground.Squish.
He didn’t fault her. The wanton creature in his dream had been a thing of fantasy. This was real life, and they had to take this slowly. Connor caressed her wet cheek, wiping away her tears. “I understand. When you’re ready, I’ll be right here.”
Needing to put his stamp on her in some way while still respecting her wishes, he dropped a kiss on her forehead. Her soft whimper gave him hope. Hope for her future, fortheirfuture, and hope for the entire goddamn universe.
“Will you stay with me for a while?”
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” He threw his arm around her shoulders and held her close. “There. Better?”
