There was still much excitement in the group surrounding Bart and Charlotte’s new baby boy. Little Lloyd was as precious as ever, and Andy and Layla couldn’t get enough of him. It still hurt to hear his name said out loud, even though he had been named afterherLloyd, but Elaine had fallen in love with the baby.
Lloyd’s good friend Killian was still enjoying the honeymoon stage with his mate, Nina. They couldn’t seem to stop touching each other. At least, Elaine attributed it to their wedded bliss at first. She knew full well it also had to do with their shared misery and could tell because everyone’s pain manifested here and there. Every so often, the masks fell and mourning took over, honest and merciless.
In fact, when Elaine hugged Nina for the first time since her arrival, Nina had burst into tears.
“I’m so sorry,” said Nina. “I didn’t want to cry, but I’m happy you’re home.”
That made Elaine cry. Before she knew it, they all had tears in their eyes.
Killian had pulled Nina into his arms, smiling through his tears. “Look what you started, sweet thing,” he’d teased. A mentor at the lodge, Killian had recognized what they all needed at that moment and shouted, “Group hug!”
It had helped a little, but mostly they’d cried all over each other.
Despite all the emotions in their group, Elaine often worried if her friend Suzan had experienced it the worst. As an empath, not only did Suzan contend with her own emotions, she also absorbed those of others. It was only one of the reasons her twin mates, Percy and Byron, were dedicated to keeping her as happy and carefree as possible. It couldn’t have been easy lately.
Suzan withdrew from the room once or twice during the gathering, and Elaine knew it was because she had to clear her head.
And then there was Jani, Fleur’s mate. Of all the mated couples, their pairing was the most recent. Elaine sometimes thought Jani was most at peace in the darkness. As sweet and gentle as he was with Fleur, he was a man who’d seen things, who haddonethings. The same unflinching loyalty that meant the world to Fleur would have put the fear of God in Jani’s enemies. He would do anything for his mate.
They all felt the same way.
Elaine knew if she had a chance to save Lloyd, she would have done anything she could. She would have debased and humiliated herself, whatever it took. She would have killed for him, or would have gladly gone to her death in his place.
He’d died protecting the people in this room, and she’d never have the opportunity to fight for him.
Connor stood off to the side with Jani, talking quietly. He kept looking over at her. He was the only unmated adult there and wouldn’t have experienced the sort of love the others had. She hoped he would one day.
Elaine used to have that kind of love.
A pang tore through her chest. She tried to breathe through it, as she had been doing recently in Alaska, but when the sorrow slammed into her, she couldn’t catch her breath.
Her pulse ricocheted in her brain, and it sounded strange, like a drummer attempting a complicated beat with only one drumstick.
She closed her eyes and willed it to pass.
When she opened them again, Connor was standing in front of her. He cupped her shoulder. “Are you okay? Do you want to get out of here?”
“No. If I’m going to live, I have to live in the world, not outside it.”
“No one will mind.”
“I’ll mind.”
Connor ran his hand slowly down her arm. At his touch, the pulse in her head softened. He knew what was at stake. They both understood how important it was for her to resume living. She’d had some time to grieve, and she had grieved so hard she thought her tears would wash away her sight some days. But Lloyd wouldn’t want this for her, this ever-present agony. He’d want her to be happy.
She just wasn’t sure how to accomplish it.
In their world, a widowed shifter trod a perilous course. The mate bond was powerful, all-consuming. After Lloyd was killed, Elaine had been ready to waste away. She’d known shifters who had in her situation. Others had committed suicide, unable to cope with the cutting loneliness.
Was her road destined to be a dead end as well?
As much as the notion tortured her during unending nights, it wasn’t her worst fear. That had already been realized when Lloyd’s heart stopped beating. Now, the thought that obsessed her was leaving her kids behind. She had to be strong for them. She had to find a way.
Perhaps she’d be the first shifter in history to survive the death of a mate.
And then again, maybe the odds were already stacked against her. Maybe the hole in her heart would enlarge and engulf her, snuffing out her existence for good. There had been some nights when she’d lain alone, holding her breath, wondering if the next breath would be her last. If the next blink would shut her eyes forever or if she would just fade away in her sleep.
“Hey, lady.” Connor held her fingers, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. “I see dark shadows behind those baby blues. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
