I’m Not Him
Collins
Having Harley’s body pressed against mine all night, swaying sensually to the music, was vastly different than the first night I met her at Lockout. When she was timid, but still spun in circles with me on the dancefloor until everyone but Dom, Nik, and Sin called it quits for the evening.
It would’ve been the perfect night until it happened. We’re driving back to my place, Harley munching on her greasy burger and humming along happily to the music—when a small, silver car that sped through the red light as ours turned green, narrowly misses a direct impact on Harley’s side of my Tacoma. His car instead made an impact on the back end of the truck because I sped up a little. I knew as soon as it happened what caused this, when the kid, no older than twenty-two, got out of his car—red and glossy-eyed, barely able to stand on his own.
Her panicked scream of my name, “Collins!” It takes me right back to that night, just a terrified sixteen-year-old arriving at the scene of one of his worst nightmares with his parents. The sounds of sirens, officers trying to get us to look away from the crumpled jeep on the side of the road, and the smell of burningengine oil combined with the smell of alcohol on the man who took my brother away from me.
Trying to snap myself out of it proves harder than I thought it would be. I pull myself out of the car in stiff movements. Quickly calling 911 on my phone, reporting the scene of the incident as I make my way around to check on my girl.
“Sit the fuck down!” I yell at the kid. I don’t know why he even got out of the car. He obeys immediately, making his way to the sidewalk, dropping his head into his hands.
Even faster than I called 911, I swing Harley’s door open, the panic that was simmering in my blood now full-blown, sizzling, “Tell me you’re okay.”
“I’m… Okay. I think.” Tears fall on her face as I take it in my hands, slowly moving her head around, inspecting her for injuries.
I must be scanning her body more thoroughly than she expected because her soft voice breaks through my fog, “Collins. Hey. Breathe. I’m right here. I’m okay.”
When I don’t respond, Harley tries again, “Collins, baby. You gotta calm down. I think you’re having a panic attack.”
That’s when I realize that I’m breathing unsteadily, my hands shaking furiously as I grip Harley’s face in my hands still. Approaching sirens tell me I need to get it together so I can talk to the emergency personnel.
I take one deep breath, briefly closing my eyes and shaking away the thoughts of Jordan, “Stay here until an EMT checks you out, please.”
The switch in my demeanor seems to throw Harley for a loop, but I need to know she’s okay before she gets out of the truck. She just nods in confusion as I head over to the officer who arrived on the scene.
“Sir, were you the one who called 911?” The officer asks as I approach.
“Yes. My girlfriend and I were driving home from Lockout when we got T-boned by that kid as we were passing through the intersection on our green light.” I gesture to the boy who still sits on the pavement, slightly swaying side to side.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Never, especially not when I need to get my girl home safe. She was drinking at the club, andhehas multiple signs of being intoxicated. He could barely stand when he unfolded himself from the front seat.” I look back to see that an EMT has moved Harley to the back of an ambulance and is looking her over.
“Do you need to be checked out?” The EMT, Mari, I think she said her name was, asks me. The fog of adrenaline still surrounds me.
“I don’t think so, but I’ll go with her to the ER when the time comes.” Mari nods before continuing to inspect my girl.
“I’m going to need to talk to them both. Go on and get your license and registration for me, call your insurance so we can get these cars out of here too.” The officer approaches again and directs.
“Yes, sir.” I head back toward my Tacoma, grabbing everything we’ll need out of the truck and head toward Harley.
“Is she okay?” I ask Mari as I approach, my fear that she has some sort of injury I missed seeping back toward the surface.
“Yep! She did hit her head on the seat when you had to slam the car to a stop, so we want to do a CT scan at Tampa Hospital as a precaution. She doesn’t have any signs of a concussion, though.”
“Thank God.” I look toward the sky, blinking back emotion. Harley’s hand grabs mine from where she sits, pulling me into the space Mari has vacated.
“Once the officers give an all-clear, we’ll head over to the hospital.” Mari tosses toward us as she passes by to check out the other driver.
“Collins…”
I steel myself, knowing that sooner rather than later I’m going to have to explain why I reacted that way. I don’t know if I can do that tonight though, my emotions are running high and the adrenaline is starting to wear off.
Harley tugs on my hand, attempting to get my attention again.
“Harls… I can’t.” Hurt quickly flashes across her face, and I want to tell her it’s not her, that I want to tell her about Jordan. That he would’ve adored her, probably tried to steal her from me. “I want to. I just can’t, not tonight. I’m sorry.”
