“Let’s show you to your bedroom. Your Mama, Daddy, Aunts, and Uncles worked hard on making this space unique and special for you little man,” Tatum coos, setting the car seat down and squatting to pull Hayden out. There’s something about the man you love, holding the child you created together that just brings your ovaries to life. “Come here, Mama.”
I join Tatum and Hayden in the middle of the room, as Tatum quietly shows Hayden all the tiny details that we put into bringing this room to life—taking extra care to point out the little touches I was responsible for including.
“Welcome home, little guy.” I say quietly, placing a kiss on his forehead before placing one on Tatum’s lips.
Chapter27
Hold me?
Tatum || 2 weeks old, February
“Come on buddy, Mama is trying to rest,” I tell my crying son, his little face scrunched in anger, cheeks aflame from his screaming. I fed him pumped breastmilk, read him Goodnight Moon, walked in circles around his room, and rocked him for over thirty minutes and yet he still won’t relax. Right when I think that he’s calming, the vicious cycle starts all over again. My patience has long since run out.
“Hey, I can take over. Go rest,” implores a groggy Darcy from the entryway of Hayden’s room, offering me a soft smile. Her hair is tied in a messy bun, and my t-shirt hangs off her shoulder. Despite Darcy being a trooper and our son being everything we wished for---I don't feel like Darcy and I have gotten a wink of sleep over the past two weeks. She’s powering through, and being a wonderful Mom but I can’t say the same about being a Dad. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m doing it wrong. That no matter how hard I try, I can’t win with my son.
“Baby, you need to sleep. You were up with him all night.” I try continuing to sway from side to side with our son in my arms who squirms in my hold. His neck craning in Darcy’s direction.
“I know Tate, but I can’t sleep when I can hear him wailing across the condo. Just let me get him down and then I can sleep too.” She sighs, sounding frustrated and I can’t blame her. We’ve been home for two weeks and I feel useless. Every time I pick Hayden up, he starts crying. Darcy keeps saying it’s because she spends so much time feeding him and he lived inside of her, but I can’t help but think that he hates me. When Darcy has to take him out of my hands, I feel like she is going to resent me because then when does she get to rest? I can’t even let her rest right.
“Come on, hand him over. I’ll be in soon.” She comes closer, opening her arms for Hayden. As soon as he is in her arms, he relaxes and my heart cinches in pain again thinking that he really does hate me.
“I’m sorry.”
That’s all I say, I don’t have the capacity to stand there as she lulls Hayden to sleep. I don’t have the right words to tell her how angry I am at myself for not being able to help more or to tell her that I’m so scared I’m not enough of a partner in this. I do my best. Even with Hayden resisting me, I’m cleaning, cooking, and making sure Darcy is taking care of herself, but it doesn’t feel like enough.I don’t feel like enough.
I pace back and forth in the kitchen, two mugs of chamomile tea steeping, ready and waiting for Darcy to exit Hayden's room. Three anxious minutes later, his door clicks open and closed, and she makes her way into the kitchen. How the hell does she get him down so quickly?
“You should be sleeping.” She says, her facial expression solemn.
“So should you. I made tea. I’m hoping it will help us relax and get a little sleep before he wakes up.” We both sip our teas in the deafening silence of our kitchen.
“Hold me?” She asks, a desperation in her voice. I know she can feel the disconnect between us since we’ve brought Hayden home. Her focus has been solely on making sure he is eating, sleeping and breathing. We haven’t had any true alone time because on the rare occasion that we can rest, we do.
“I’d love to.” We make the trek to our room, setting our mugs down and sliding into bed. I open my arms for Darcy and she slides in so effortlessly, tucking her head under my chin and placing her leg over mine.
“You’re doing so good, Tatum. He’s just a baby and he’s getting used to the world.Pleasedon’t fade out on me. I need you and so does he, even if you don’t see it yet.” She whispers into the dark room.
I blow out a breath, stroking her back gently, “I’m trying not to Mama. I love you both so much.”
“I know and that’s why I’m telling you we need you. You are enough, you’re doing enough.”
“Thank you.” I grip her jaw, guiding her mouth to mine gently, “let’s try and rest.”
Darcy sinks further into my arms, her eyes closing and we are both out within minutes. We are no sooner jolted awake by tiny cries coming from Darcy’s phone and it takes us a moment to come back to planet earth. Darcy slowly begins to roll out of bed, “he needs to eat. I’ll bring him back in here so he can be with us both.”
“You stay, I’ll go grab him.” I say, grabbing her wrist gently to keep her from going any further.
“Maybe change his diaper before you come in.”
“Yes, Mama, be right back.” I quickly head towards Hayden’s room, changing his diaper then placing him into Darcy’s arms. I sit with Darcy in silence as she feeds Hayden, once he’s fed she hands him over to me and he sleeps peacefully in my arms for an hour while Darcy and I stare at an episode of Gilmore Girls. The way he nuzzles into my arm makes me feel at peace, even if it’s just for a moment.
* * *
Another night passesby where Darcy has to be awake with Hayden because my presence isn’t enough for him, I can feel my anxious energy running rampant and I feel like I need to get out of the house for a minute before I lose my mind.
“Mind if I run to the gym for an hour?” I ask Darcy, already changing my outfit as she gets Hayden settled against her breast. A quick flash of disappointment, or maybe fear goes over her face before she replaces it with a small smile.
“Yeah, we will probably be here a minute anyway. Want to grab soup and salad from that new place on your way back for lunch?” She asks with a tinge of uncertainty in her voice.
