I just said that to make Roman leave so I could have some time to compose myself before breaking down.
The minute I heard the door click shut, I let the waterworks flow, flooding my pillow until my eyes were too swollen to keep open. But not once did I think I would sleep.
I thought for sure the nightmares would spring up again, regardless of the sunlight streaming through the window, but it was a pleasant surprise when they stayed hidden somewhere in the crevices of my mind.
I’m not fooled by their absence, though. They’ll come back because it would be too kind of them not to.
Turning from my back to lie on my side, I face the wooden bedside table, jerking back in shock when I see that I’ve slept for a little over seven hours.
“Well… there goes my sleep for the night,” I murmur when the clock hits four-thirty.
At least I slept, though. The last time I did feels like eons ago.
I should get out of bed, but I know the moment I do, and Roman sees me, he’s going to want to talk, and I don’t know if I have the mental energy for that conversation right now.
Deciding to remain in bed for a little longer, I settle in my spot and allow myself to enjoy this moment of solitude.
The quiet gives me room to think, to go over every second of my life and try to make sense of it. Things would be easier to digest and process if only I understood.
Those few moments I had with my mother weren’t enough. There’s still so much I don’t know...
I don’t want to waste this serenity on distressing thoughts, so I change focus and grab ahold of the other sensation creeping through my stomach.
Occasionally a tingle in my core develops, and on most days, I push the need away, but out of the blue, an idea springs to mind, and I can’t ignore it.
I jump out of bed and rush from the room, skidding to a stop when I collide with Roman, who is emerging from the bathroom.
“Woah, woah. Are you okay?” he asks, catching me by my biceps as I stumble backward.
I don’t have the voice to speak. The nerves that are coursing through my body are too powerful, rendering me silent.
Grabbing Roman by the hand, I drag him into the room with me and lock the door behind us, still without having said a word.
“Amira?” he asks again, confused when I throw Shadow’s pillow off the stool at the end of the bed and force him to sit.
I take a step back, shaking my hands at my sides as I prepare to explain why I have him here.
“I want to try something,” I say, taking deep breaths as I try to convey my thoughts into words.
Roman gives me a moment, but when I fail to speak again, he says, “Okay… what do you want to try?”
It’s okay.
You can do this.
“I want you to sit here and watch… and then maybe we can try more….”
I can see from the way he crooks his eyebrow that he doesn’t understand what I’m trying to say… so maybe showing him is my only option.
My feet feel like lead as I stroll back to the bed, the ends of my pants dragging along the carpeted floor as I shuffle my feet. Roman’s eyes are like a stroke along my neck as he watches me climb back into bed.
The warning bells that reside in my mind begin to chime, but I’m determined to see this through. So, I ignore the bells and kick the blankets to the other side of the bed.
I keep my gaze trained on him, watching his confusion transform into lust as I begin dragging the cotton pants down my thighs.
My fingers tremble as I grip the hem of my sweater and pull it over my head.
I sit bare to him, in only a pair of grey panties and a matching polyester bra.
