“You sure you won’t reconsider?”
I forced a smile and shook my head. “Not this time. I have your number saved. I’d really like it if we could meet up every once in a while. You know so that I can see Sophia.”
She nodded. “Any time you want.”
I leaned in and hugged her.
“Thank you.” After a moment, I pulled away and rushed toward the door with tears stinging my eyes.
I didn’t have any notice of this big life change I was making, so I didn’t have anywhere to stay lined up. I knew I didn’t want to go to my parents, though. They’d ask too many questions, and I needed time to get my story straight. I didn’t want to crash with any friends from school either. They’d like to talk or go out, and I wasn’t in the mood. All I wanted to do was curl up and cry until my eyes were too swollen to blink. Since I had some money saved up, I decided to get a hotel room for the night. I could be alone to cry it out, and I’d get my shit straight in the morning.
When I got to the hotel, I did exactly as I had planned. I dropped my bag on the floor and threw myself onto the bed. I brought my knees to my chest as the sobs began to take over my body. I hated myself for crying. I hated myself for giving him that much power over me. After everything that happened with Steven, I told myself I wouldn’t ever let another man hurt me.
I didn’t think that Roman would hurt me, though. I guess I didn’t think that Steven would either. I hated that Roman got my guard down so easily. I hated that I gave myself to him. I hated him for hurting me. And I hated that I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the heartache, which I had no idea how to recover from. All I really knew was that I had to keep living. I had to keep moving forward.
Sure, I could’ve dug in my heels and refused to budge as the world moved on, but I knew that people who refused to move on only turned angry and bitter—much like Roman.
As I cried, I thought about how different my life would look. If I wanted to play it safe, I also needed to find a job, so I had money coming in and not just going out—even though I knew I’d never in my life make the amount of money I was making being Sophia’s live-in nanny. I made a ton of money and saved nearly every penny of it. I wasn’t hurting for cash. In fact, I probably could’ve lived off that money the rest of the time I was in college if I had been careful with my spending. I didn’t want to risk it, though, so I added “find a job” to my mental list.
Instead of spending my weeknight cooking dinner, watching TV with a child, and going to bed early, I knew I’d be hanging out with friends, going to games, and attending parties. My thoughts went past college. I used to think about the future that Roman and I could’ve had together. I saw us living together, falling even deeper in love. I saw us surrounded by friends and family, all of them supportive of our relationship. I saw us getting married and even having a child of our own.
In that instant, it all started fading away. Instead of settling down and starting a family with the man I loved, I saw myself finishing college, moving away, and starting a new life. I saw myself getting a new apartment, a new job, making new friends, and falling for some new guy.
In my imagination, the new guy didn’t have a face, but I fell in love with him regardless. We dated, kissed, fought, made up, and moved on through the daily rhythms of work, dinners together, weekend trips away, meeting one another’s families, and then I saw him propose to me. I said yes, and from there, it was nothing but a whirlwind of getting married, moving in together, and then I’d end up pregnant. We’d welcome a child and carry on with life just like anyone else, living day to day, through the happiness, the sadness, the excitement, all life has to offer. I’d be happy too. I’d move on from Roman.
But I didn’t want to. I wanted all of those things with him. I wanted him to be the one I married. I wanted him to be the father of my children. I wanted him to be the person by my side through the good times and the bad. Through the ups and downs of life.
But the only thing I could do was wait. Wait for him to want all the same things. Wait for him to miss me. Wait for him to swallow his pride and come to me. Until then, I had to keep going. I had to keep setting up my future, so I gave myself one night. One night of wallowing in the pity. One night of tears and anger, then when I woke up in the morning, I’d let it all go and move on because I knew he wouldn’t come to me. He was being honest. He didn’t want me.
And that’s precisely what I did.
I cried myself to sleep that night, but when I woke in the morning, I pushed myself out of bed, I showered, got dressed, had breakfast, and went apartment shopping. I found a tiny one-bedroom apartment that wasn’t too far from campus, but I knew I wouldn’t find anything closer halfway through the school year. The only good part was that the building had been a dormitory for the school, so each apartment came furnished with a couch, appliances, tables, and a bed.
I signed the lease agreement and moved my stuff in the same day. I didn’t have much to unpack, so it didn’t take me long. I still had plenty of time to go shopping, stocking up on bathroom and kitchen supplies, while leaving me time to have dinner, get cleaned up, and go to bed early for school the next day.
At school, everything was the same, but it felt different somehow. I met up with the girls and told them about quitting my job. By lunch, I had Lance sliding into the chair across the table from me.
“Look, I’m really sorry. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you that all this time, I couldn’t find the confidence to do it.”
I wondered if the sudden boost in confidence came from learning that I’d left my job, but I didn’t ask—I didn’t have the energy to.
“It’s fine,” I mumbled.
His mouth twitched, but he didn’t smile. “Friends?”
I nodded in agreement. “Friends.”
“Perfect. Hey, you want to come out with us on Friday? There’s this awesome band that’s playing at The Shriek Shack.”
I shrugged. “Sure, why not?”
And that was that. My old life was over, and a new one was blossoming. It’s what I planned for anyway.
THIRTY-EIGHT
ROMAN
Iwoke in the morning with the worst hangover I’d ever had. It felt like my brain was pounding against my skull. My stomach was doing flips, causing my mouth to water with the urge to vomit.
