Inside, I didn’t bother with getting dressed or going to my own shower to clean up. I just threw myself down on the bed, buried my face in the pillows, and cried myself to sleep.
It sounded like the door opened and shut quietly, and my head popped up. The room was dark, even though I had no memory of turning off the lamp beside the bed. I heard soft footsteps approaching, and I assumed it was Sophia, given how quiet they were.
“Soph?” I asked, trying to force my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
“Sasha?” Sophia said, sticking her head into my room.
“What’s wrong, Soph?”
“I can’t sleep. Can I sleep with you?”
“Come on,” I told her. “Get in bed. I’m going to go use the bathroom.” As she climbed in, I climbed out, holding my towel around me as I made my way toward the bathroom. Inside, I tossed my towel into the hamper and pulled on some pajamas I had in there. While getting dressed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, finding a small hickey low on my neck. Seeing it made me mad about the stupid fight we’d had. The words he’d said to me.
I went back to bed, and Sophia rolled over and went to sleep the second I was beside her. I combed her hair away from her face with my fingers as I thought about my sister and how much I missed her. I hated that she was taken away too soon. I hated that she never got to meet her daughter. I hated that her loss left such an empty spot in so many of us. But maybe that empty spot was what was supposed to bring us all together.
When I wokeup in the morning, I wasn’t surprised to find that Roman had already taken off. I just hoped and prayed that it wasn’t going to be like it was before, where he didn’t come home for days at a time. Sophia had gotten used to having a father again. Losing him again would kill her. And I hated myself when I thought about how it was my fault.
Days passed. Nights dragged by. I went to school, and Sophia went to daycare. We came home every evening and cooked dinner together. Every night she asked where her daddy was, but he never came home. I didn’t want to give in and call him, but he wasn’t giving me any choice.
So finally, after eight nights of Sophia crying for him, I called him after I got her into bed.
I was surprised when he picked up instead of sending the call to voicemail. Only when he answered did it become clear he was busy: a roar of laughter and the soft beat of music in the background.
“Hello?”
I was expecting a voicemail. Or maybe I was expecting him to answer in the silence of his office. I wasn’t expecting to find himout, having the time of his life while we sat home, miserable and missing him.
“Roman?” I asked because my mind was drawing a blank.
“Yeah, what’s going on?”
“Where are you?”
There was more laughter. “I’m in a meeting. What do you need?”
“It doesn’t sound like a meeting.”
“Fuck, Sasha. What do you want?”
His harsh tone was like a slap in the face, and it made me defensive.
“I’m calling to remind you that you still have a daughter. You remember her, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
“She misses you. She misses having dinner with you. She misses seeing you every night. Stop being an asshole about us and come home for her sake.”
“I have to go.” He hung up without a reply.
I let out a growl and took a deep breath. I knew what I needed to do. I had to keep fighting. I dialed Monica and asked her to sit with Sophia while I went out. She agreed to, and while I waited for her to arrive, I changed into a little black dress and did my makeup. I was going to find him, and I wasn’t going to leave until he saw the light.
THIRTY-SIX
ROMAN
It felt like someone had reached into my chest and squeezed my heart. I couldn’t sit there and listen to her tell me how much pain I was causing my daughter. I never wanted to hurt her, which is why I stayed away from her as much as possible. But being with Sasha also meant being with my daughter, and I loved the time we’d spent together.
Truth be told, I missed her too. I couldn’t go home, though. Going home to her meant going home to Sasha, and I knew that Sasha would eventually leave if I insisted on staying away from one another. Sophia needed her more than I did. If I stayed away, the two of them would have each other. I could live a miserable life. I’d already been living that way for years anyway.
