“Daddy just had some work to finish, Soph. Why don’t we go and get some dessert? How about a hot fudge sundae?”
She nodded, her bottom lip stuck out. “With sprinkles?”
“With sprinkles and whipped cream,” I told her, standing from the table. I held my hand out for her, and she hopped out of her chair.
She ran over and took my hand, but I could sense the pain coming off of her, so I picked her up, hugged her, and carried herto the kitchen to get her the biggest hot fudge sundae she’d ever seen.
TWENTY
ROMAN
Istormed into my office and slammed the door shut behind me. I crossed the room in seconds and was drinking directly from the whiskey bottle before I knew it. No matter how much I swallowed, it didn’t take away the pain I was feeling. No matter what I did, my wife was gone, I was alone, and my daughter didn’t know what it was like to have a mother or even a fucking father. Every bit of that hurt something fierce.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I came home for dinner and was even attempting to eat at the same table as my daughter. No matter what I did, I was constantly reminded of her loss.
I needed to talk to Sasha about the night before, too, but I hadn’t found the time or the right words to do so. Maybe it didn’t mean anything to her. Maybe she just wanted someone to stay with her while she was unwell. Maybe I was the only one who thought it was something more.
It didn’t matter anyway. I needed to keep my distance. I needed to start staying at the apartment that was closer to the office. I thought it would make things better for everyone. Sasha wouldn’t have to put up with me, and Sophia would have a sense of normalcy with just her and Sasha together. She wouldn’t have me walking in and out of her life every few days.
I took another swig and moved to sit behind my desk. I didn’t feel like being in public, but I didn’t like being stuck at home either. What was one to do when you always wanted to go but you never wanted to stay?
It didn’t matter where I went; I couldn’t get away from myself. Maybe that’s what I really needed. I wasn’t trying to forget my wife. I wasn’t trying to ignore my daughter. I was trying to escape my own thoughts.
I guessed that’s where the alcohol came into play. It numbed my body while quieting my mind. If I couldn’t get away from myself, I could, at least, shut the fucker up for a little while.
I lost track of time, doing nothing but drinking and burying myself in emails. I had a good buzz going by the time I wheeled away from the computer. My eyes were burning from staring at the screen for too long, and my back ached from not moving.
I rubbed my eyes, took a deep breath, and started toward the door. With as late as it was, I figured everyone would be in bed, and I could easily move throughout the place without bothering anyone.
When I opened the door, I saw the light was still on, and when I stopped to listen, I could hear the TV’s soft murmur. I stepped out of my office and walked to the living room quietly. Peeking around the corner, I found Sasha and Sophia curled up together on the couch; both of them must have fallen asleep while watching TV.
I crossed my arms over my chest as I leaned against the doorframe to watch them. Sophia was in front of Sasha, and Sasha had her arm thrown over Sophia. She looked so sweet, innocent, and content. I couldn’t help but think about how this would be a more common occurrence if Chloe were still with us. I wished I had gotten to see the two of them together, but I knew I never would.
I walked closer, stopping just a foot away and looking down on them. Sophia was ready for bed in her nightgown. Her hair looked damp like she’d already taken a bath, and she was fast asleep with her bottom lip pooched out.
She was nothing short of amazing, adorable, and breathtaking. I wished I could’ve been the father she needed, but I knew I was nothing but a disappointment, even if she didn’t have the words to tell me. I figured that would come with time. Once she got older, she’d make sure I knew how much I fucked up her life, and she’d leave me, too. Maybe that was another reason I wanted to keep her at arm’s length. She’d leave one day. If we never got close, it couldn’t hurt that much to watch her go.
I bent down and scooped her up. She nuzzled closer to me as I carried her through the house and to her bedroom. I gently laid her down, and then I pulled the blankets up around her.
Her eyelids flickered and then opened.
“I love you, Daddy,” she said softly.
It felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I had done everything wrong, and yet, she still loved me.
“I love you too, princess.” I kissed her forehead, inhaling her scent as I held my lips to her skin. “Get some sleep.”
I pulled back and watched as she rolled to her side, nuzzled into her pillow, and closed her eyes. I slowly backed out of the room, pulling the door shut to keep from disturbing her.
Back in the living room, I debated whether to wake Sasha. She hadn’t moved since I’d taken Sophia from her. She looked warm and comfortable before, but with Sophia gone, she looked cold and lonely.
I probably should have left her. She wasn’t my responsibility, and there wasn’t anything wrong with her sleeping a night on the couch, but I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t bear to think of her being cold or uncomfortable. I didn’t want her to wake in the middle of the night, confused about where she was or how shegot there. I didn’t want her to wake in a panic, either, once she realized that Sophia was no longer with her.
I took the remote and shut off the TV, then I scooped her up. I was halfway to her room when her eyes opened.
“What are you doing?” she asked in a sleepy murmur, not seeming like she was bothered by my carrying her.
“I’m taking you to bed.”
