I took a deep breath to give myself the strength I needed to answer. I wasn’t sure how our conversation had taken such a drastic turn.
I shrugged. “He’s alright, I guess. In my case… I think it’s probably because I haven’t ever done that with anyone before.”
He managed to unfasten my shoe, and it thumped to the floor. His eyes were wide with surprise.
“Are you fucking with me?”
“No, I’m not fucking with you,” I said, pulling my foot away from his knee. “I haven’t ever had sex with anyone,” I said more clearly. “Chloe told me the night of my first date that doing that was special and that I should hold onto it until I found the right person to give it to. So… That’s what I’ve been doing.” I pulled my legs beneath me as my mouth continued to spill way more details than I would’ve liked. “I thought I found the right guy, but then I walked in and found him in bed with my best friend.” Tears stung my eyes. “I was heartbroken. I thought he was it, you know?” The tears were rolling down my cheeks now.
God, what the hell? I didn’t want to talk about Steve or any of those feelings. I’d been keeping them tucked away amid the pieces of my broken heart, but I couldn’t stop the words as they continued to tumble off my lips.
“I-I was going to do it with him, but I-I waited too long. I thought it was love. Or at least that I was in love.” I sniffled, hating myself for saying the words.
I didn’t notice him walk away, but he handed over a tissue, so I knew he must have. After I took the tissue, he took a throwblanket off the lounge chair in the corner and lightly covered my legs with it.
“Maybe I should just give it up to Lance. I mean, he seems to want me, and I’m sick of being a virgin. It’s done nothing but cause problems. That’s why Steve slept with Nikki—because I wouldn’t. If I had been sleeping with him, he wouldn’t have fallen for her so easily.” I cried and wiped at my eyes with the tissue.
He sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bed beside me. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. Turning his head to view me from over his shoulder, he said, “Don’t do that. Don’t throw it away just because you haven’t found the right person.”
“I thought Steve was the right person,” I admitted amid another sniffle.
“The right person would’ve waited for you to be ready. The right person never would have been tempted by another. Steve wasn’t the right person. And neither is this Lance guy.”
“How do you know?”
“Trust me. I’m a guy. I know.”
I scoffed and rolled my eyes, tired of answers like that.
He must have heard the rush of air that left my mouth because he turned back to look at me again.
“I know because I’ve already been where you are. I was young once. I know what it’s like being in college and falling for the pretty girl. He liked you before he even talked to you because you’re beautiful. That’s why he talked to you. And every word he’s said since has all been a part of his attempt to get you into bed. What I don’t know is if he’s the kind of guy that just wants to fuck and run or if he’s the type that wants to start a relationship, but either way, he wants some.”
“How am I supposed to figure that out?” I wiped at my eyes again.
“You get to know him, build trust. If you trust one another before hooking up, it’s less likely he’ll take off. But it isn’t something you can rush into.”
“What if I want to rush?” My words were soft.
“Then you take your chances of giving it up to someone who won’t cherish it.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Why does this have to be so difficult? Why is my virginity such a big deal? I want rid of it already.” I tilted my head as I looked at him. “Would you think less of me for giving it up?”
I noticed the way his eyes narrowed on me. “The real question is: would you think less of yourself?”
He was right.
As much as I wanted to skip over this part of my life, there was no fast-forward button. What I was struggling with was the same thing that every girl has struggled with at one point in their life. There wasn’t an easy button for them, and I knew there wasn’t one for me either.
I knew the way my mind worked, and I knew I focused entirely way too much on all of my past mistakes. Giving it up to the wrong guy would live on in my head forever. More importantly, I knew what Chloe would think of me. She’d hate to see me give it up to some random guy I just met. She’d tell me to listen to her, because she was my big sister and she’d point out how she’d never led me wrong before. I could even picture the smile she’d give me when I finally told her she was right and that I would listen to her advice.
Picturing that smile made my chest ache in a way that would never fade. It was an ache that had been there for years. It never vanished. I was only able to forget about it for short moments in time, when I was already busy with something else, but it always crept back in.
I felt so bad for Roman. I knew that feeling must have been ten times stronger for him. He found his other half. He thought they’d have forever. They were working on building their lives together and thought they’d get that happily ever after. And then she was ripped away.
In the grand scheme of things, I understood how Roman could be as awful as he was.
I looked at his face. It wasn’t any different from any other day, yet somehow it was. I could see the loss in his eyes. I could see the way the stress had worn on him, deepening the lines at the corners of his eyes and those that stretched across his forehead. He had fine lines around his downturned mouth—lines so thin that I never even noticed them before. His dark eyes looked heavy and tired, full of pain and anger. Suddenly, I was left wondering how I could look at him nearly every day and not notice.
