He ran his tongue across his lips, wetting them. “I’ve done a lot of thinking this past week, and you’re right. I’m fucking everything up. I’m letting Chloe down, and I’m being a horrible father to Sophia.”
I wasn’t prepared to have him agree with me, so I didn’t respond. I knit my brows in confusion, wondering who the man before me was and what he had done to the Roman I couldn’t stand.
“I can’t be the father she needs me to be. At least, not right now. But that’s not her fault. She deserves to be surrounded by family, by people who love her. The job is yours if you still want it.”
I think my mouth fell open. “You… You mean it?”
He released my arm, instantly leaving it twice as cold without his heat. “Yeah. I’ll have my assistant reach out to you with details.”
I smiled at him, relief flooding through me. Maybe Chloe had heard my pleas.
He tore his attention from me, training his gray eyes on the sky. “It’s about to storm. You’d better get home before it hits.”
Almost on cue, a gust of wind blew through. I looked up at the sky and saw the dark clouds rolling in across the already gray sky.
“Go on and get home. I don’t want to have to worry about you driving in this.”
I pressed my lips into a tight line as I met his gaze. Neither of us spoke. We just stood side by side, he facing one way and I facing the other, yet both our heads turned to look at one another. I saw his eyes narrow slightly in confusion, deepening the lines around them. It had been the first time that I’d looked at him in a long time, like really looked. My sister had only been dead for over four years, but he’d aged so much within that timeframe. Maybe not so much physically, but I could see it in his eyes. The way he held himself. How he spoke.
He really did love her, and living without her is what turned him into the asshole I met a week earlier. For the first time, I realized it wasn’t just Sophia who needed help. It was him, too.He needed to grieve and move on. Until then, he’d never be happy.
I didn’t say goodbye. Neither did he. I just turned my head away from him, breaking our connection, and pushed myself forward. As I walked away, I noticed the way goosebumps had formed on my skin, making every hair stand on end. I wasn’t sure what connection we’d found there, but it was unlike anything I’d ever felt.
Perhaps we were both struck by the realization that we were finally coming to understand one another. He saw where I was coming from, and I got a glimpse at where he had been all this time. I saw nothing but darkness, despair, and loneliness while feeling broken and lost. I came to her gravesite to feel close to her, but I was leaving feeling closer to Roman, and that was completely unexpected.
I shivered as I walked away, rubbing my hands up and down my biceps to warm myself. I was colder than before. I pushed all thoughts of him away as I finally reached my car. I opened the door, climbed behind the wheel, started the engine, and shifted into drive. But before pressing on the gas, I turned and looked over at him.
He wasn’t looking at the headstone. In fact, it didn’t look like he’d moved at all. He was still facing the grave with the flowers clutched in his hand. But his head was turned, and his eyes were on me. Even with so much distance between us, I could feel the heat of his stare, and it made me wonder what he was thinking.
Something told me he was probably hating himself as much as I was hating him. I broke off the stare first and started driving down the paved path to the cemetery’s exit. I stopped at the end, needing to look to my left before I turned right onto the main road. My eyes moved to the rearview mirror, and he was still there, watching me drive away.
Feeling as if I’d been caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I stepped on the gas and drove away as fast as I possibly could, as my sadness engulfed me.
We didn’t just lose Chloe that day.
We lost Roman, too.
SIX
ROMAN
Ididn’t know what the fuck I was doing.
I didn’t know why I reached out to her or why I stopped her. It wasn’t something I thought about before I did. It was pure reaction.
I meant the things I said to her. I had been thinking a lot over the week, and she was right. Just because I couldn’t give Sophia what she needed didn’t mean that she had to go without it, especially if I had the means to give it to her. She didn’t need the things that money could buy. She had all that. She needed family, love, and understanding. She needed to know her aunt, grandmother, and grandfather. She needed to know her mother, and the only way that would ever happen was by spending time with the people who made her mother who she was.
I ignored the way touching Sasha brought my body to life. I willed the ache in my chest to fade away, and I took a deep breath and turned my attention to my wife’s grave directly before me. Guilt had surged through me.
Her mom used one of our wedding photos as her image. She said it was the happiest she’d ever seen Chloe, and I liked to think that I had something to do with that.
I loved that photo of her because it showed me how much she loved me, how much she loved our life together. Standing in front of her headstone only made me realize how much I suddenly hated that photo. It was a reminder of someone I’d always miss and never see again. I’d never get to see that smile or the sparkle in her blue eyes. I’d never get to taste those lips or run my fingers through her silky blonde hair. I’d never feel her body pressed against mine. I was doomed to hate myself for the rest of the years I was left to rot without her.
I walked over and dropped the flowers onto the headstone. I then placed my hand on the cold stone, my heart aching.
“I already know everything you’d say, and I’m pretty sure you know everything I’m thinking.” Tears stung my eyes, and I shook my head.
“I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing here,” I muttered as I turned to walk away.
