I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t move. I froze as I looked up at her. Maybe part of me knew that she was about to deliver an assault, and I needed to feel the pain of the jabs she was about to take.
“She married you because she thought you were a good man, someone who would love her, someone who would support her and the family she wanted to have. She thought you were a decent person, the best person, her damn person, but she had it wrong. You’re nothing but another worthless, absent father that’s causing more generational scars than you can even understand in that self-centered head of yours.” She turned and walked across the room, her hips swinging.
I wanted to scream at her that she didn’t know shit. That she didn’t know what it was like to lose the person you loved, but then I realized she had. She and Chloe had been exceptionally close. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d come home to find them snuggled in bed together, giggling with face masks on and watching romcoms.
Sasha grabbed the knob, pulled the door open, and then lifted her foot to step out, but she stopped and turned to look at me from over her shoulder.
“How does it feel to know that you’ve let down the only person in this world who still loves you? Because that’s what you’re doing, you know? Sophia is the only one you have left, and every day that you push her away, every time you toss another stranger at her, you’re just letting her down again and again. She’ll grow to hate you one of these days. I hope you’re prepared for that.” She stepped out and pulled the door closed behind her with a little too much force. It slammed shut, and my body finally relaxed for the first time since she walked into the room.
If it was possible to hate myself more than I already did, I felt it. It sat on my chest like a weight, making it hard to draw a deep breath. It felt as if my heart were struggling to beat against the pressure, nearly threatening to stop. I grabbed my glass and brought it to my lips, pouring the contents into my mouth and swallowing it all in one big gulp. The heat raged down my throat to settle in my stomach. It only doubled the fire in my blood, and it felt like I was burning up from the inside out. It pissed me off that she had the audacity to say those things to me, but what made it worse was that every single word was true.
I knew that I was letting Chloe down. I knew that I wasn’t the man she’d married. I knew that I was being a shit father. But I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even look at my own daughter. Every time I did, it brought tears to my eyes. All I could think about was how badly I was going to fuck her up. I couldn’t parent that girl on my own, so I hired nannies to do it for me. Losing my wife fucked me up. I hadn’t been the same since, and I knew I never would.
Fuck her, I thought, my mind on Sasha.
What did she know? She didn’t know shit about me or my marriage. She didn’t know shit about taking care of kids either. She didn’t have kids of her own, and as far as I knew, she’d never watched anyone else’s. I couldn’t exactly figure out why she’d even apply for the job in the first place. Did she really need a job, or was she trying to get me to let my guard down so her mom could get custody of my daughter by saying that I wasn’t a good father?
I removed my mother-in-law from our lives long ago when I overheard her trying to talk her husband into warming me up to the idea of letting Sophia live with them while I adjusted to the loss of Chloe. It was at the damn funeral. She wanted to take my daughter away from me then, and I knew that she hadn’t given up on that idea. My wife had already been taken from me. Therewas no way in hell I’d let someone come in and take my child, too.
I stood and moved across the room to pour myself another drink. I filled the glass, and just as I was setting the bottle down, I heard a giggle from down the hall. I took a few steps to the door and pushed it open just enough to see out.
Sophia was running around and playing with her temporary nanny, Meredith, a woman who ran the in-office daycare.
Sophia was running circles around Meredith, blonde curls bouncing as she giggled away. I watched as her white, cotton dress moved around her. The sun hit her blue eyes, and it lit them up, stealing the air from my lungs. She looked so much like her mother that it was literally painful for me to watch her.
Meredith lunged toward her, picking her up and twirling her. Sophia laughed and giggled.
Tears stung my eyes as that stabbing sensation was brought back to my chest, and I let the door close as I moved to my desk. I’d only had one drink from my glass when my office door was being flung open with Monica rushing toward me like a raging bull.
“Are you fucking serious?”
“What?” I took a sip.
“You know what. You told me to hire someone, and then when I do, you go behind my back and tell her to get the fuck out of your house? Are you serious?”
“It’s my house. I have final say,” I reminded her.
She nodded. “You’re right. You do. But that’s it. That was the last woman who was stupid enough to agree to work for you. She’s gone, and you’re left with nobody. What’s the plan now, because it sure as hell won’t be me.” She crossed her arms over her chest as she glared at me.
“Fine, then I’ll keep paying the daycare crew at work to stay with her.”
Monica rolled her eyes. “How long do you think they’ll be willing to do that, Roman? Those women have full-time jobs already. They don’t want to miss out on their own lives, their own kids to raise yours.”
“Just leave it to me, alright? I’ll figure it out.”
She shook her head. “You sure as shit better hope so.” She turned to leave, but then thought better of it. “If you’re not careful, you’re going to push everyone away, and you’ll be left as alone as you think you are already. That word will take on a whole new meaning.” She turned and walked out, not even bothering to close the door behind her because she knew that pissed me off more than slamming it.
My hand tightened on the glass as I brought it back to my lips. I had no idea what was going on with the women in my life. There must have been something in the water that made all their periods sync up or something. Everyone was PMS’ing, and I was the main target. I wondered if they had a name for the game they were playing.Fuck Roman Up the Ass as Hard as Fucking Possible, maybe?Let’s Make Sure He Doesn’t Get One Minute of Silencewas a good name. Or maybe it wasLet’s See How Far We Can Push Him Before He Snaps and Fires Us All.
The problem was that both of those women were right. I’d alienated myself from everyone, friends, family, and staff, once I lost my wife. Slowly, I watched every single one of them give up on me and walk out of my life. I couldn’t blame them. I pushed them past their breaking point. But like both women had just said, eventually, I’d be left with no one. And then what? I guess no one but my daughter, who didn’t even know me as anyone other than the man who lived in the same house, who every staff member tried to avoid. I guess I could always give her to her grandmother.
Even if it sounded like the best option for Sophia, I couldn’t stand to see her go. To not hear her giggles echoing through thehalls. To not wake up to the sound of her cartoons playing in the living room. To never see those sparkling blue eyes and bright smiles, even if I do only see them in passing. I was a selfish man. There was no way I could ever let her go. She was the only one I had left.
But fuck…
I had no answers, so I drank again.
FIVE
