“What do you want me to say, Reid?” I raise my voice, but keep my calm. “I screwed it up. I’ll fix it. My head was somewhere else. That’s all there is to it. I can’t walk back in there and change what happened, so we’ll just have to figure out how to fix it and move forward.” My words are clipped, much like my attitude at this point.
As he leans back against the door, turning to face me, Reid’s face morphs. A confused and astonished look takes over as he stares at me.
“What?” I ask defensively.
“Nothing.” He crosses his arms over his chest and shrugs. “That just sounds a lot like something Dr. Baker would say,” he adds smugly. “You’re taking her seriously, huh?”
I take a deep breath, needing all the patience I can summon in order to survive this conversation. “I’ve only met with her once,” I say, as if it somehow deflects some of the attention off me. Reid shoots me a look as I pull away from the high school. When he turns down the radio and stares me down as I drive back to the office, I finally give in. “She said something about trying to focus on where I want to be, rather than where I’ve already been. Something about that resonated with me; it made sense.”
“It was the same for me,” Reid adds quietly as he stares out the window, idly watching the traffic moving alongside us. “She kept talking to me about focusing on Maddy and Braden. How it’s important not to forget Mom and Shane, but to remember that I need to be here for the people who are a part of my life now.”
I laugh. “It seems so simple. Sounds like something either you or I would say to someone we’re counseling. I guess it just wasn’t a piece of advice I was willing to tell myself.”
“So, where do you want to be?” Reid asks pointedly, not letting me evade any longer.
Ironically enough, I turn down the road where Conner’s gym is just as his face flashes through my mind. Not enough has changed in me to just open up and spill every emotion I’m feeling to Reid. He might be my best friend, but since we’re still guys, I go for the easy answer. “I’m not sure, yet.” The car lurches forward as I stop at a red light at the crossroad of Michelson’s MMA. In the thirty seconds we’re stopped there, my eyes scour the entryway. Only the front desk is visible, but Conner isn’t. The light changes, and as we accelerate back into traffic, I say, “But I have an idea.”
Even though my first instinct was to push him away, it’s been a week since Conner threw down his three-date challenge and I still haven’t been able to shake him. Add in that I haven’t been to the gym since I hurt my shoulder, to say my energy is building up is an understatement.
Staring blankly at my computer screen on a drowsy Tuesday afternoon, I can’t focus on anything. As much as I want to forget him, at this point, I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of shoving Conner aside. When he walked away from me the other night, I was all ready to cancel my gym membership and block him from my memory. But extinguishing the flame of his touch, the heat of his mouth, the burning desire of his eyes - that proved to be a little more difficult. His need to get to know me more isn’t one I’m sure I can deal with. Conner, and a few other items, are on my short list for my second therapy session this afternoon.
Before I realize it, it’s time for my appointment. A ten-minute walk and some bright summer sun are enough to lift my mood on the way over to Dr. Baker’s office. She calls me into her office shortly after I arrive, not even giving me more than five minutes to flip through a magazine.
After the routine greetings of “how are you” and “how have things been” are out of the way, we get down to business. Blunt openness is my muse today. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said about trying to focus on where I want to be rather than where I’ve already been.”
The laugh lines around her lips crease in a deep smile as she leans back in her chair slightly. “Oh, is that so?” she asks rhetorically. A small, almost imperceptible laugh passes her lips. Her legs cross at the ankles and her hands fold over her lap as she patiently waits for my reply.
As if it’s acting on its own, my head shakes back and forth, dismissing her light chuckle. “It’s not such a far-fetched idea, you know.” My you-don’t-know-more-than-I-do tone doesn’t prompt her to react. She waits patiently, letting me fill the therapeutic silence descending upon us. “I’m just having some trouble dealing with how to get where I want to be. With where IthinkI want to be, anyway.”
She looks over my head to the clock before looking back at me. “Well, Dylan, we’ve got about forty-five minutes left for today. Why don’t we make use of them by you talking and me offering some suggestions?”
Her take-no-prisoners attitude is one I can appreciate. I know she’s not here to placate me, to “yes” me to death, to tell me, over and over, how Shane’s death wasn’t my fault. The adult part of my brain tells me that every day, anyway.
It’s my heart that won’t forgive me.
Sitting suddenly becomes too anxiety inducing. I walk over to the only window she’s got in the room, staring blankly out at the mountains in the distance. “I always wanted to go camping,” I admit, absentmindedly.
“And why haven’t you?” Her voice sounds distant as my brain fills with the sounds of nature under which I’d always dreamed of falling asleep.
“Never had anyone to go with, I guess.” I walk back toward my chair, stopping to glance at the picture of Dr. Baker and her family on, what I assume, is her daughter’s high school graduation.
“That’s Milly. She’s a teacher now,” she explains as she moves over to her desk to pour a glass of water. “Second grade. Don’t know how she does it.” I laugh at her less-than-pleasant reaction to being surrounded by thirty seven-year-olds day after day. She recovers quickly, seemingly not wanting to be offensive.
“I feel the same way. That’s why I deal with high school kids, primarily.” We move back over to our seats as she hands me a glass of water. “It’s a lot easier to be sarcastic with people who actually get it.”
Our joined laughter fizzles out before she clears her throat. “So let’s flip back to what you said a minute ago, about not having anyone to go camping with.”
Sighing, I figure this is as good a time as any to be open and honest. “When I was in college, I had to take this American Lit class. We read a few pieces from Henry David Thoreau. Do you know who he is?” I ask, certain she’s already heard of him. She nods, silently letting me continue. “He wrote about wanting to live out in the woods so he could really live. Not just exist, you know. That really stuck with me and I always felt like whomever I’d end up with would be of the same mindset. So, after Shane died, I guess I never found anyone I wanted tolivewith. I just existed. That was easier, somehow.” My gaze shifts almost involuntarily back out the window. “I met someone.” The three words tumble out of my mouth as if they were there the whole time I’ve been talking, but my brain just wouldn’t let them come out in the order that they needed to.
Again, she doesn’t speak. Letting me go at my own pace, she waits patiently, sipping her water as if she’s actually thirsty. My words fill the silence. “He’s nice.” She shoots me a wry look. “Fine. He’s more than nice.” My eyes roll skyward. Her face relaxes into a look my mother would give me after telling her the truth about some petty lie about which she had already known the truth. “We went out last week.”
“And the world didn’t end?” Her question drips sarcasm and playfulness. It puts me at ease instantly, allowing me to tell her the truth.
“Conner just moved here and he’s had a pretty shitty go of life in the last few years. There’s something about him that makes him more real than anyone I’ve ever met. Even, Matt. He was my last boyfriend.” She nods at my clarification. “Matt was okay and all, but there was always some kind of act going on, some need to put on a show for everyone around us. He played it off like he was in love, like he wanted a forever with me, but there was somethingoffabout it, like he was doing it to please someone else – maybe it was just to please some idea he had of who he was, or who he thought we were. But I could see straight through it. His transparency made it too easy to be with him.”
Dr. Baker’s eyebrows furrow together. I’ve thoroughly confused her and, to be honest, it sounds odd, at best, to say you don’t want to be with someone because there aren’t any problems. But the fights are important. They show you who the other person is.
They show you who you are.
