“A massive asshole?” Shane echoed his brother’s sentiments.
“Yeah, a colossal prick,” I added as we all shared a laugh.
“He’s on me to win the states this year, like it’sonlyup to me – especially since it’s my senior year. I mean he’s always riding me about everything – always has been, but lately, he’s gotten this hair up his ass about me getting a top scholarship to a D-one school,” Shane confessed, seemingly lighter now the words were out of his mouth. “He told me since I’m going to be a senior in the fall, I need to get my ass in gear and start thinking about my goddamn future. That I can’t live off his dime forever,” Shane added with a touch more anger than his earlier words.
“We were working out in the backyard before you showed up,” Reid confessed before adding, “Not because we wanted to, though. He told Shane he had to throw one-hundred strikes before we could go anywhere.”
“And I was four away from that before you started complaining that your legs hurt and you missed that one that went through the window.” Shane’s words dripped heavily with accusation, something that was not lost on me.
“Mom heard the crash before Dad and she distracted him so we could clean it up before he saw it. By the time we get home, he’ll probably be too drunk to even realize the window is gone.” Reid paused for a moment before adding, “That must have been when you came over – when he was screaming his head off atherfor something instead of screaming atus.” He swiped a hand across his guilt-ridden face before Shane clapped him on the back, all signs of their earlier frustrations gone.
“Well, camp is next week, so we’ll just tear shit up and make sure you’re all set for the fall tournament and then Varsity in the spring.” I could only hope my words helped boost Shane’s confidence, but, at the same time, they also brought a more-than glum look to Reid’s face.
“At least you two lucky son’s-a-bitches get to go. I’m stuck here in bum-fuck nowhere while you’re gone for two weeks.” Reid popped up from the bleachers and kicked a rock, sending a cloud of dust up around us.
With the rest of our gear in hand, Shane and I caught up to Reid, reminding him that he only had one more summer left before he could join the sixteen-to-seventeen-year-old camp. It was mine and Shane’s last year since we’d be seventeen in just a few months and off to college next year – where? Shane had no clue, but I had a few prospects, all of which involved getting out of this place. We’d both discussed the possibilities of baseball scholarships and agreed it would be pretty cool if we could get into and play for the same school. I caught a glimpse of how pissed Reid looked at the prospect of staying home while we were away at camp, but I couldn’t stifle the bubble of excitement that filled my chest at the idea of getting away from this place with my best friend in tow for a full two weeks.
Later that night, after a normal dinner with Mom and Dad – one where they asked me how my day was and if I was excited for camp – I couldn’t help but think about what Shane and Reid’s night was like.
Did their dad lay into them even more over the broken window? Would Shane have another black eye like the one he did a few weeks ago? Since he was younger, and perhaps just more of a hothead in general, Reid was usually angrier about the whole situation than Shane was, but I could see the sadness in both of them, and I hated it.
But there was nothing I could do, and in all honesty, even though my home life was much happier than theirs, I had my own issues to deal with, my own secrets to keep. In the solace of my own room, with the moon light slicing through the window, I pulled out my journal. Pressing the pen to the paper, I let my mind create a world in which I didn’t have to hide who I knew I was.
Dad’s fist slammed down on the table for what felt like the hundredth time and all I could think wasat least it’s not my face, like last time.“Shane, are you even listening to me? Dammit, you’re such a fucking lost cause.” He tossed his hands up in the air and I literally bit down on my tongue to keep from talking back to him.
I tried my best to shut him out when he got like this, not to let his words affect me, but it was a pointless endeavor, really. So, rather than saying, “Yes, Dad. I am worthless – no thanks to you,” I sat ramrod straight in my chair and choked out, “Yes, sir. I’m listening.”
“You know, this camp cost me more money than I even want to think about. You better make sure you don’t screw around while you’re there.” He leaned across the table much like a snake slithers toward its prey. Folding his hands together, he eyed me like the piece of trash he repeatedly told me I was. “I’m waiting for the day you’ll do something to make me proud, but I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath,” he sneered.
After the words fell like venom from his mouth, a car beeped out front. Thank God, they were here, finally. I was getting a ride to camp with Dylan and his father. Rather than dreading the two-hour drive, I was actually looking forward to being in the car with Dylan and his dad, Ben.
They were normal.
They were happy.
They were everything I wasn’t.
Dad stood first; I learned long ago not to rise from my seat before he did – that was a sign of disrespect in his book. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d wished he treated us with even just a sliver of the respect he’d demanded from us. As he squeezed my shoulder, almost to the point of being painful, it was clear respecting me was never going to happen.
Before I walked out the door into the just-rising sun, my father shoved my bag into my hands and told me “not to fuck up.” I swear, if Dylan and his dad hadn’t been waiting out front already, I know Dad would have shoved me out the door and down the steps.
As I walked down the cobblestone path leading to the street, I glanced back at the house and saw Mom waving to me from the window, a sad look coloring her face. God, what I wouldn’t give to take that sadness away from her. Even though I was dealing with my own shit-storm of sadness and a world of my own issues, I would gladly take on hers just to see her smile and hear her laugh like she used to.
Since it was still early, barely six in the morning, Reid was still asleep. I didn’t bother to wake him, so when I slid into the back seat, I punched out a quick text to him to let him know I’d call him later. I hated that I had to leave him there with Dad, but I had no choice in the matter, really. Hopefully, Reid would play it smart and just stay out of Dad’s way. Since it was still summer, he could easily just spend the day out with his friends without having to worry about Dad for more than a few hours a day.
Ben pulled away from the curb and Dylan turned in his seat to face me in the back. “You excited?” He was all bright-eyed and alive.
“Yeah,” I groaned through a huge-ass yawn, but in reality, I was exhausted. Another sleepless night of tossing and turning, of anxiety eating me alive from the inside out. Another morning waking up to my parents fighting, to my gut clenched in anger at the worthless feeling that was always hovering around me.
However, rather than saying anything about all of that shit, I plastered a fake smile on my face, feigning excitement about the camp I really didn’t want to go to. “I’m shot. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think I’ll just close my eyes for a bit before we get there.” I tried my best to ignore the upset look that flashed across Dylan’s face as I balled a sweatshirt up into a makeshift pillow. Leaning up against the door, I closed my eyes and tried to sort through the shit in my head.
It was pointless, really. I’d never sort it all out. The best I could hope for at this point was just a bit of a break from it all while I was away from home. It was difficult to admit how shitty your life was to yourself when you were not even willing to admit it to the rest of the world. When those were the only thoughts in your head, all the fucking time, you started to feel like you lived in your own personal hell.
That was pretty much all my life was. I’d be worried if my family had noticed that I’d retreated into myself more and more in the last year, but then again, they’d have to care about me for that to happen. I mean, I guess Mom cared, but who the hell knew and I’d be one selfish son-of-a-bitch wanting her to put me before her own sadness. Dad was pretty much a lost fucking cause. God, even thinking about him made my stomach roil in a fit of rage, my fists clenching involuntarily under my rolled up hoodie.
Then there was Reid. He was the only one I could turn to, the only one who I could trust, but what kind of big brother would I be if I laid all my problems at his feet when his life sucked just as much as mine did. If I thought Dad was tough on me, he was like a prison guard with Reid. You know how some parents expect less out of the younger sibling? Well, that was definitely not the case with Dad and Reid. So there was no way in hell I was going to burden him with my problems.
They were mine and mine alone.
