The tears came on full force when my eyes landed on a picture of Reid, Dylan, and me from when we were younger – before I became the fuck-up that I was today.
It was simpler back then, somehow. Hearing Dylan’s words of how I was weak and pathetic float around in my brain forced my raw emotions to the surface. My throat closed and tears sprung to my eyes.
An angry chorus of voices filled my head.
Homo
Fag
Queer
Loser
Weak
Fuck-up
“Worthless,” I added my own insult as a quiet sob rose in my chest. I cried – for all the years I kept everything bottled up, for all the ‘yes, sirs’ spoken to my father, for all the hidden truths I’d kept concealed, for all the wasted time I’d spent with Alex when all I’d really wanted was Dylan. I cried for everything I’d screwed up, for everything I’d broken, for everything I’d lost.
“Shane,” Reid whispered, as he sat up in his bed, blinked his eyes a few times. “You’re home.” The relief in his voice was palpable, but it did nothing to stop the tears from flowing.
He sat next to me on the bed, not really sure what to say, I’m sure. I winced as I wiped at my cheeks and Reid caught sight of the bruises there. “What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Dad?” His single word threw me even deeper into the dark hole in which I already existed.
A nasty, sarcastic laugh flew past my lips. “Not this time.”
“Shane, what the hell is going on? You’ve been gone for two days and now you’re back in the middle of the night beaten up like some kind of punching bag. And Alex…”
Shooting up from the bed, hatred vibrated everywhere around me. “Don’t even fucking say her name.”
He hung his head low, but I saw the look of shame plastered there. “What did she do?” I gritted out the words through what I was sure was my broken jaw.
“Are you?” he whispered his half-question. He didn’t need to finish the rest of it; I knew what he was getting at. The fact that he was even asking it at all was enough for me to know he already knew.
“Yeah, I am.” The confession rolled off my tongue much more easily than I thought it would. I sat next to him on the bed fully expecting him to slide away from me. I didn’t know what else he knew, why he had brought up Alex’s name, so I just left it at that.
He did shift, but only to turn closer to me. He grabbed my shoulder and squeezed a movement of affection, not of anger. “I figured as much, man. You know I’m fine with it, right?”
Relief like I’d never known rushed over me. “I do now. Thanks.” I hung my head, still feeling ashamed of who I was to even look Reid in the face. “So what happened with Alex?”
“She got to me,” he admitted.
I picked my head up, confused. “What?”
“Last night. After work. She met me in the parking lot. Got me drunk, Flirted with me.” He stood from the bed and started pacing the room like a caged animal. “Look Shane, you have to believe me. I tried to stop her. I really did. She…well, she…umm…” Even though he was chewing on his words, completely unable to spit anything intelligible out, I knew what he was hinting at.
He raked his hands through his hair and pitched his voice low. “There’s no easy way to say it, so I’m just throwing it out there. She came on to me and took advantage.” He sighed and looked up at the ceiling as he spoke. “We fucked.”
My stomach dropped as the sickness washed over me. Not because of what they had done – correction, of whatshehad done tohim. What made me feel a gnawing void in the pit of my being was wonderingwhyshe had done it.
“I’m sorry, bro.” His apology was sincere and I could never hate him. “There’s more.” Reid kept his eyes glued to the ceiling. “She said something about having sex with you, and I gave her an odd look. When I stuttered over a few words, I think I gave something away.”
“But, how? I mean, I only just told you.” The room began to spin. Sure, she had seen me with Dylan; she had all the proof she needed, but somehow hearing it from Reid probably cemented it in her head.
“You’re my brother.” His eyes were glassy – whether it was from me waking him up in the middle of the night or from the burn of emotion there, I didn’t know, but those three words spoke more than he could ever know.
