“Okay.”
“All these years, I was waiting for something to happen, an event or experience, just somethingthat would heal the wounds of my past. I wanted to be fixed. I wanted to be happy and I was just wasting away waiting for someone or something else to do it for me. It was college first and then my business. It was everything on the outside, but I never thought to look within. It took me so damn long to realize I needed to fix my heart from inside out. And you got all tangled up in that. You werealways part of what made me feel like I could possibly be worth love. But without loving myself, past included, I couldn’t give you all of me. It wasn’t mine to give.” Quinn’s mouth hung open, his eyes wide. “I know I’m rambling. I’m not making sense, but I swear it makes sense in my head.”
Twisting behind him, he put his bowl of cereal on the coffee table and then took mine. He pulled my handsinto his and squeezed them. “And now?” he asked softly.
“And now, I know who I am. I was in so much pain when I made you leave that I knew I had to fix myself. I started going back to therapy, both alone and with my family. It wasn’t easy and I made Patrick promise not to tell you anything. I didn’t want to give you any sense of false hope. Honestly, I figured I was too broken to be saved andI didn’t want to tease you with the idea that I’d be whole eventually.” I pulled our joined hands up to my lips and pressed a soft kiss there. “And now, after working on me for so long, I feel complete, at peace even. My past still hurts, but it’s just that, my past. And I’m finding much more joy in focusing on thenowrather than thethen.”
“I can’t explain how happy all of that makes me. That’sall I ever wanted for you. I tried so hard to help you see yourself the way I did.”
“I know. I really do, but it was something I had to do on my own. And in the process, I had to learn to see you differently, too.”
His face wrinkled in confusion at that part of my explanation. “So what’s different now?”
“See, I always felt that way too. Like you were the one who was going to make me happy.Which made me anxious, because I loved you so much what would happen if I was still miserable? If I was still angry and cold, what would that do to you? So I knew it boiled down to me fixing me. I stopped looking at you like the one who’d hold together my stitches when they were coming apart. Now, I know that you’re not the one who is going tomakeme happy, but you’re the one who I want to behappy with. Now that I’m finally me, all I want is you.” I pulled our hands back up to my lips again. “That is if you’ll have me.”
“You’re all I ever wanted.” He sealed his words with a kiss that vibrated through my bones. “It was stupid of me to thinkIwas the one who was going to do all the fixing. I just hated seeing you in pain. I hated seeing you so mad at everything and if I could help,then… I just wanted to make you happy. I was never trying to hurt you or push you away. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey.” Cupping his jaw, I brought his attention back to my eyes. I spoke as I ran my thumb over his bottom lip. “You have nothing to apologize for. I was the one who needed fixing. And I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for giving me the space to do so.”
“Sure you can,” he said, restinghis head in my hand. “Say what you said before.”
It didn’t take me too long to figure out what he meant. “I love you, Quinn. I love you so damn much I don’t ever want to bemewithoutyou.”
“I love you, too.” His reply was followed by more smiles, more kisses. He looked at me with confusion as I pulled back from his mouth. “All sexed out?” he asked with humor dancing in his eyes.
“With you?Never.” I kissed his lips quickly before hopping up from where I was sitting. Holding the blanket around my waist, I covered the half erection I was sporting. “But I want to give you your Christmas present.” A protest began on his lips, but before he could give it life, I cut him off. “No arguing. Get dressed and meet me out front.”
Before he could say anything else, I was scooping up my clothes,escaping to the main floor half-bath to get dressed before he did. He was done just a few minutes after me and I was waiting at the front door. “Close your eyes,” I told him.
“Seriously?”
“Yes. It was too big to wrap.”
He eyed me carefully, arching that sexy as fucking hell eyebrow at me once again. “I swear if it’s your dick in a box, I’ll—”
“You’ll what?” I challenged. When he came up empty,I said, “Yep, exactly like I thought.” With that, I laced my fingers with his, made sure his eyes were closed, and then led him out his front door. We took the stairs carefully since everything was covered in a fresh layer of powdery snow. It only took a few more steps for us to make it to the driveway where I’d parked my truck. Wanting him to be able to see the entire thing right away, I pulledoff the tarp covering the gift before telling him to open his eyes.
“Oh my God.” He gasped. “Is that?”
I nodded. “Yep. It sure is.”
He stepped forward, touching the metal legs. “This is… it’s insane. I can’t believe—”
“That I made you the table we should have made years ago?” I finished his sentence for him.
“It’s beautiful.” He hopped up into the bed of the truck to take a closer look. “Holycrap. This is, oh wow, this is gorgeous, Ryan.” He ran his hand over the cherry wood top, it was a raw edge piece of wood, set in layers of resin, mixing together modern and rustic. It was exactly what we were: opposites who complimented each other in the most perfect ways.
“Sarah and Patrick told me you were the reason I never failed shop class. You went to the teacher and explained what happenedso that I could still graduate, even though I wasn’t at the ceremony,” I explained as he looked on in wonder at our table. “I always felt like the kitchen was the center of the home. It’s where the family is. And for me, you’re where my center is. I wanted you to have this so you would be constantly reminded of how much I love you, of how at home you make me feel. I wanted you to be remindedof how complete I am with you, as if we were always built together.”
“I absolutely love it,” he said as he hopped down next to me. “But what about—”
He was asking about how it would all work out, how we could be together if our lives were so far apart. “I don’t have all the answers right now.” I didn’t want to lie and I certainly didn’t want to wait around until I figured it out to come seehim again. “But I know I want to spend the rest of my life figuring out the answers with you.”
Wrapping our arms around each other, we kissed as the snow fell on our shoulders. Despite being centered in the peaceful silence of a cold Christmas morning, we were grounded in the warmth of our embrace. And in the certainty of knowing we could finally be who were always meant to be.
