“Yeah, yeah. It’s all good.” I could see his smile, his boyish good looks. “I know I was supposed to go with you tomorrow night, but there was a change in flights home. I was on stand-by on the other flight and a spot on an earlier one just opened up. I’m throwing everything together now. I’m sorry. It looks like I won’t be able to make it.”
He was supposedto fly back to California on Christmas Day to visit his family, but the flight was super early in the morning. It was literally the worst flight ever in terms of traveling on a holiday, but he had to take it because he booked his ticket at the absolute last minute. It seemed as though he was quite the procrastinator, especially since he hadn’t even started packing until two minutes ago.
“Of course.I understand. I’ll see you when you get back.” He agreed and quickly hung up the phone.
As I flopped back into my desk chair, I was ashamed to admit I was more relieved than upset I wouldn’t be seeing him. I was already apprehensive about the holidays. Months ago, I had hopes that I wouldn’t be alone, that Ryan would be here with me in some capacity. But when that dream flew out the window, sodid my joy.
Yeah, it seemed a touch melodramatic, but at thirty, I was ready for that part of my life to begin. The one with a husband and a family of my own. And for so long, I’d envisioned Ryan in that role, that now, having to fill that void with a complete stranger, I felt like it was all a lost cause.
For now, all I had to do was make it through the next two days and then I could returnto work.
How fucking sad.
Purposefully waiting for the party to be in full swing, I showed up at seven thirty, fashionably late. I already knew enough to call ahead of time and let Mom know about Todd. Explaining it to her in person while everyone listened on, as if my life was ever really that exciting,wasn’t exactly how I wanted to start the night.
“Oh, honey, you didn’t have to bring anything,” Mom said as she took the two bottles of champagne from my hands. “My favorite.” Yep, it was. Because even though she always told me not to bring anything, she knew I’d always show up with her favorite. And my favorite was that she only ever put one out for company. When no one was looking, she’d tuckthe other away in the back of the liquor cabinet and save it for a night when she and Dad could drink the bottle by themselves. Something about that always made me smile.
And it made me long for the day when I could savor a few glasses of champagne with my love once everyone had left the party we’d just thrown.
Pushing away those thoughts, I mingled my way through the party, greeting familyand friends, getting lost in endless chitchat. Though I hated to admit it, after a drink or two, I found myself having a good time.
In a move that was fairly uncharacteristic, Sarah, Patrick, and his parents showed up later than me. In the time since we’d all left Ryan’s that night, we’d made peace with his decision, and all hoped he had, too. By no stretch of the imagination would I call Patrickmy best friend, but we had finally been able to reach a truce over everything. It was an uneasy one at best, but I loved Sarah. So if I had to deal with Patrick just to have her stay in my life, then that was a small price to pay.
And it didn’t hurt that we both cared about Ryan’s well-being.
By the time Sarah made her way to the kitchen to help Mom with the appetizers, I brought Patrick a drink.“Still nothing?” I asked as I handed him his beer.
He took a sip as he clapped a hand to my shoulder. “Still radio silence. I’m sorry, really I am.” And I believed him that he was sorry. I knew he’d made his own attempts at contacting his brother and so had his parents. So had Sarah for that matter.
But it was clear Ryan wanted nothing to do with any of us. And since it was out of our control,there was nothing we could do.
Except move on with our lives and let him do the same.
As I muddled my way through the party, and my life, I kept that small pearl of knowledge as the remnant happiness I’d always have with me. Knowing Ryan was doing what made him happy somehow made me happy in a sense.
Sometime after my third drink, the music cut out and the sound of someone hitting a glass silencedthe rather large crowd. “Hi, everyone,” Sarah announced, her voice loud enough to capture everyone’s attention. “It’s close to midnight, so I just wanted to take a few minutes of your time to let everyone know… that uh—”
“We’re having a baby!” Patrick yelled over her, his excitement lighting the room on fire. Loud applause, shrieking whistles, and tears of elation followed as everyone circledaround them. Of course my first reaction was one of pure happiness.
I was going to be an uncle.
I watched as Mom and Dad held onto each other. As Patrick’s parents formed a circle around their son.
I watched it all as some kind of detached onlooker. With no one to hold, and no one to share my joy with, I suddenly felt the floor fall out from under my feet.
This is what it would be like. Forthe rest of my life, I’d be the one on the outside looking in. Because I knew, no matter how much I tried to patch the hole in my heart, the scar would still remain and the pain would still endure.
So I poured another drink, hugged my sister, and told her I was so happy for her. And I was. But for now, I just needed some distance. I needed to breathe.
I needed to know that everything would beokay, even though I felt it in my bones that everything would eventually fall apart and disintegrate into ashes under my feet.
In search of the solace I knew only the shore would provide, I tried to escape out the sliding glass doors. But as usual, Mom foiled those plans. “You okay, honey?” she asked, not for a second pretending to be busy with anything else. She was intercepting me simply tolet me know she loved me, to let me know she knew I was struggling with everything.
“Yeah, I’m good, Mom. Just a little—”
“Sad?”
“I was going to say drunk, but sad works too.”
