Twelve years ago, if someone would have told me that I’d currently be lying on the beach with the sun shining on my back and Ryan sleeping at my side, I would have laughed in their face and directed them to the nearest looney bin.
Yet here I was, on a small beach in coastal Maine, recovering from our second night in a row of marathon sex. In so many ways, I was overjoyed. But in so manyothers, I was depressed and sad because our time was coming to an end. No matter what happened at the end of our week, come tomorrow morning, I had to get in my car and haul my sad ass back to North Carolina to return to my life as usual. We hadn’t even talked about what would happen when I left, and I certainly didn’t want to pick at that scab right now and ruin what time we did have left.
So rather than focusing on all the what-ifs, I rolled onto my back and stretched out, letting the sun soak into my bones. “You sore from last night’s activities?” Ryan’s sleepy voice cascaded over me, almost as warm as the sun.
“Nah,” I lied, hoping that the memories of last night wouldn’t make me look like I was pitching a tent underneath my bathing suit. Just to be sure no one got a free show,I rolled to my side and cupped my hand to the outer shell of his ear. “But this morning, damn. I don’t think I’ll be able to walk right for a few days.”
Ryan laughed, deep and real. “Istillcan’t walk right.” He rolled to his side so we were face to face. Covering my cheek with his hand, he said, “And I can’t wait not to be able to walk rightagain.” When his lips pressed to mine, the sun wasbrighter, the sea air crisper, the salt water a brighter shade of blue.
We’d been out in public more than a few times together this week, to anyone looking on, we were most certainly a couple. There had been a question itching at the back of my brain like a wool sweater on an August afternoon. “How long have you beenoutfor?”
Even though he was lying at an awkward angle, he shrugged. “SinceI’ve been here, I guess.”
Shock waves covered in jealousy crashed over me. He’d come out as soon as he’d come here? What the actual fuck? “Seriously?” All week I’d tried to keep my feelings over him leaving me—twice—at bay, but this pushed me almost too far.
“Let me explain,” he began, letting his hand cover mine. “At home, I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. Ever. From when we were kids to theday I left, I was always Patrick’s brother. And then you know all the shit my parents gave me about wanting to go to a trade school. I had no friends—”
“You had me.” I certain didn’t want to sound like a petulant child, but as the words tumbled from my lips, I knew I’d accomplished exactly that.
Reacting to my tone, he took a deep breath and squeezed my hand. “I know. I know. But… look, hereisn’t the place. Can we talk about this later?”
“Sure.” Again, petulant but I was done restraining myself. “I’m gonna go for a swim.” I knew it was the immature thing to do, but in all honesty, I was tired of being the mature one. I was tired of being the understanding one. The one who had been walked out on without being given the chance to prove he was worthy. I was also on edge because I knewour time was coming to an end. But even as the water washed over me, it didn’t clear away my anxieties.
There was no doubt in my mind I was falling for him all over again. Hell, I’d never gotten over him in the first place. But no matter how much I focused on right here and now, the emotions and experiences we were sharing this week, I couldn’t shed the past.
It simply wasn’t that easy.
Bythe time I made my way back to our blanket, I was more annoyed than refreshed. “Everything okay?” Ryan asked, his voice genuine and concerned.
“Yep. I’m fine.” I lied, and he knew it.
As he looked at his phone to check the time, I tried so hard to see only the good in him, but I had been blindsided by the past as it reared its ugly head. “It’s getting close to dinner time. Want to head homeand grill those steaks?”
He wanted me to soften up, to eat up his suggestion and let everything go back to how it had been just fifteen minutes ago. I wasn’t there just yet, but I knew I didn’t want to stay mad. “Sure,” I answered, smiling at him with as much sincerity as I could muster. “Sounds like a good idea. Maybe you can finally make me those S’mores you’ve been promising me all week.”
“Hey. That’s not fair. It’s not my fault that you had other things in mind for dessert.” And with his sexual innuendo, the tension released even more.
“I didn’t hear any complaints from you.”
“Maybe that’s because my mouth was a little busy.” Ryan’s eyes lit with devilish humor and I knew staying mad at him would be pointless. Because no matter what he’d done in the past, no matter how he handledhis hardships, no matter the choices he made, I was still tied to him in the most basic ways.
He was my person and there was no way I ever wanted to change that.
Dinner had been delicious.
The fire pit, perfect.
The S’mores, sweeter than ever.
It wasn’t until Ryan asked, “Can I finish explainingwhat I was trying to tell you earlier?” that the good vibes crashed and burned.
“Sure,” I answered around the rim of my glass. Swallowing down the last of my whiskey, I hoped I would be strong enough not to blow up at him.
“When I came here, I had nothing, no one. And initially I was terrified of it all. I had nowhere to live, no friends, and no income.” He paused to take a sip of his drinkand my heart broke for the challenges he’d faced, for the child he was.
“I’m so sorry, Ry. I wish I could have been there. I wish I could have made it all better.” I reached for his hand, loving how comfortable it felt in mine.
“But that’s the thing.Youcouldn’t have done that. No one could have. It was all up to me. That’s how ithadto be. You see, I’d spent so long being someone else, beingPatrick’s brother, my parents’ son, the quiet kid in school, the closeted gay man. I was so tired of being those things that when I came here, I finally had the chance to be whoIwanted.”
