When Ryan left twelve years ago, I never thought my heart would ever recover. His sudden absence in my life caused a pain like no other. It was enough to make me second guess every potential relationship. It took me years to heal the wound enough just to be able to put on a face and go about my life as if a piece of my heart hadn’t been torn away.
Twelve years ago, I thought I’d sufferedthe most pain I’d ever feel the rest of my life.
I was wrong.
Staring down at the note on my nightstand, the wound that I’d thought healed long ago, tore open as the words,I’m sorry,stared right back at me.
Searching my memory, I wondered if I’d dreamed last night. My aching body told me that couldn’t possibly be true. He was here. We’d been together. And then, just like he did before, heleft without saying a word.
But one thing was different now. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I wasn’t some inexperienced, weak teenager who’d just had his heart broken.
I was a grown man with the ability to bury my emotions when I needed to. So even though I wanted nothing more than to punch a hole in the wall and yell and curse about what he’d done to me, I put on some clothes and headed upstairs forbreakfast.
The house was still silent as everyone slept off the late night.
Everyone except Mom.
She was sipping her coffee at the kitchen counter. “Morning, sweetie. Coffee?”
Before I even answered, she was up making it for me. I sat at the stool next to her and she handed me the mug. Just as I was about to ask her what we had to do today to get the backyard and dockside ready for the weddingtomorrow, she began speaking.
“I already know he left. Sarah got a call from Patrick this morning.”
Stunned into silence, I didn’t know what to say. My mom always had this uncanny ability to know everything, but this was like some weird supersonic shit. “Okay,” I muttered, pretending as if it hadn’t affected me at all. “Why are you telling me?”
“Oh, Quinny,” she cooed, patting my arm as sheslid back into her seat. “When are you going to stop lying to yourself about how you feel about him?”
I opened my mouth to answer but realized I had nothing to say.
“I’m not going to bring it up again, I promise. But let me just leave you with this. You only get one life, sweetie. You loved him then and you love him now. So all you have to do is make up your mind. You already know what it feelslike to live without him. Maybe it’s time you both put the past behind you and see what it’s like to have him in your life.”
And without saying another word, she patted my arm again, rose from her seat, and went about her morning.
Over the rest of that day and the morning of the wedding, I didn’tsay anything to anyone unless I had to. My mom’s words replayed in my head over and over, like some kind of torment on a loop.
See what it’s like to have him in your life.
Since she said those words, I couldn’t stop imagining the version of the life I’d always wanted with Ryan. Even in my dreams that night, I thought about what it would be like to have him in my life, to have him in my armsevery night, just like he had been less than forty-eight hours ago.
And even as the words of the pastor droned on in the background, and as my sister’s wedding vows played out right before me, I could think of nothing but Ryan.
Before I even realized it, the reception was in full swing. Nothing more than some kind of zombie, I went through the motions of the night, fighting every urge I hadto leave and find him.
And that was when it hit me. I didn’t even know where to look.
My eyes landed on Patrick. He was standing by the bar. Resting his elbow on the bar top, he looked out at the dance floor in the middle of the backyard. Sarah waved over at him and his face lit up. As he saw me approach, the look on his face hardened.
“Quinn,” he greeted icily as I stood next to him.
Havinghad enough of tiptoeing around it all, I cut the bullshit and asked, “Where is he? What did you do this time?”
I wasn’t going to dance around how I knew that he was the reason Ryan left all those years ago. There was so much I wanted to say to him, about then and now, but honestly, I didn’t care about it at all right now. I just needed to know where Ryan was so I could get him.
“Me?” he defended.“You might want check your facts before you go hurling accusations at me.” The look on his face reminded me exactly why we had never become close through the years.
I stepped closer to him, not wanting what I had to say next to fall on anyone else’s ears. “You’re lucky this is my sister’s wedding. Otherwise I’d take care of your face like I’m sure you took care of Ryan’s the other night. Likeyou did before he left the first time. I don’t want to hear any of your bullshit anymore.” My harsh words and fierce tone surprised even me. But I wasn’t done yet. Patrick needed to hear what I had to say and then I had to find Ryan. “You’re the reason he ran away back then and you’re the reason he ran away now. So just man up and tell me where the hell he is.”
“You think I’m the reason he ranaway now?” He dropped his drink onto the bar and turned to face me. There was something odd in his face, shining in his eyes. As he spoke, I saw that it was remorse. It was simply something that had so rarely made an appearance on his hard face that I didn’t know what it was. “I’m sorry for everything I did to Ryan. I really am. And believe me, I’ve tried to say it all to him, but he won’t hearme out.” He paused to finish the last of his drink and take a deep, settling breath. “I may have pushed him away before, but he ran away now because he wanted to. There was more at play than my behavior back then. He just never told you.”
