Mrs. Jacobs pinched her fingers together in front of her face, saying, “Maybe just a little,” with a flare of sarcasm. “Quinn’s been busy at the gym, too. I’m actually surprised you two haven’trun into each other.” I knew he’d been working out and exactly where, which was why I joined a gym clear on the other side of town. Tapping her finger on her chin, she mused, “Let’s see? What else? Oh,” she exclaimed, arriving at what was obviously the most perfect answer ever. “He moved his room to the basement and made half of it a home gym.”
That last piece of information made me think ofmy key in an entirely different light.
After telling me a few more things that I had already known—by means of silently stalking his every move—she finished the rest of her coffee. Then she went for her bag, presumably to put money down. As she dug around, she explained, “I need to get those groceries home.”
“Please, let me,” I said, covering her hand with mine. After pulling a few bills frommy wallet, I left them on the table and walked Mrs. Jacobs out to her car. “Thanks for, uh, talking to me,” I stammered.
“It was my pleasure. I really do hope to see you soon. We all really miss you.” She gently patted my cheek and smiled before getting into her car. As she pulled away, a searing twist of pain numbed my chest to any other feelings. Other than the occasional rumble with my brother,or slap on my back from my father as he told me I needed to be more like Patrick, the last time someone had touched me was Quinn.
My life was so sad and pathetic, I didn’t even know how to make sense of it.
After standing there for a few more minutes, I arrived at a rather enlightening thought. If this had been a cartoon, a lightbulb would have gone off over my head, but since it was real life,I’d have to settle for the undeniable truth that the only time my life did make sense was when Quinn was in it.
“A fuck ton of good that’s gonna do you,” I said to myself as I slid into my car. Trying my best, I pushed out any feeling of hope I’d had that maybe, just maybe I could patch things up with Quinn. Yeah, he made me feel more like myself than I ever had before, but there was too muchto risk.
Somehow, I’d managed to avoid him confronting me for the last six months, and at this point, I only had another month or so before the school year was over and I could put this entire ordeal behind me. Holding onto that thought was the only thing making my life bearable right now.
A few minutes later, I pulled into my driveway. After grabbing my stuff from the back seat, I walked inside.It was quiet, but that was fairly normal. What wasn’t normal was that my mother and father were sitting at on the kitchen table, engaged in what could only be called a rather hushed and serious conversation. They both looked over at me at the same time, as if they’d practiced it all afternoon. As they stared at me, I looked down at the table and saw a thick envelope sitting between them. Itwasn’t the kind where the contents were folded in three, sealed with a stamp and then sent on their way.
This was one ofthoseenvelopes. The big manila kind, with special postage and papers that were far too important to be folded. I knew exactly what it was because I’d seen so many kids bring them to school—whether it be to show it off to their friends or to get help from their counselors infilling out the remaining paperwork.
It was a college acceptance letter.
And that was when my gut suddenly felt as if it had a cannon ball rolling around inside of it. My father followed the track of my eyes and we were both staring at the envelope for a split second. “Sit,” he commanded, kicking out the chair next to him.
Mom didn’t say anything. She simply nodded as if to say,Listen to yourfather, dear.
Fear and anxiety closed my throat and parched my mouth so much that I couldn’t say a single word. I sat my ass in that chair and waited for what I felt like would certainly be a life sentence.
“Your mother and I have been talking,” he began. “Now, I can’t say I’m happy about this,” he said as he looked down at the envelope that had already been opened. I was too scared to be offendedthat he’d opened my mail, so my pulse skyrocketed while my lips remained sealed. He paused before continuing as if whatever he was about to say was going to be difficult for him. “But on the other hand, this is, um, I mean, I—”
“We’re incredibly proud of you, Ryan.” Mom cut in, saying what he couldn’t. She pulled the envelope from his hands and slid out a few sheets of paper. As she handed methe cover letter, she held a few other sheets in her hand. “You can read it for yourself, but you’ve been accepted,” she gloated, her face shining with pride I thought was only reserved for Patrick. She moved from her seat and stood next to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders in an awkward hug. “We didn’t even know you applied.”
“You never asked.” It was difficult to accept her affection.Years of always being second best had hardened me in a way from which I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to recover. “And with everything about N.C. State—”
My parents exchanged an icy glance before Mom lowered herself into the seat next to me. “We’re sorry about that.” She kept her eyes glued to my father. “Isn’t that right, Stephen?” Her question was pointed and sharp, but there was an underlyingtone of compassion, or love, or at least something mildly warmer than her usually glacial attitude.
After wiping his paw of a hand over his face, he huffed out a deep breath. “We are.” His words were perhaps some of the most sincere and true words I’d ever heard him speak. “Listen, Ryan,” he said, seemingly choosing his words carefully.
And for once, I didn’t really feel like giving him thebenefit of the doubt. I didn’t even want to give him another second to find whatever precious words he was looking for. “Since when?” I spat. “Because the last time I checked, I was the failure. Or… or… what was it you called me just the other week, a sorry excuse for a son. I think those were his words.” Looking over at Mom, I needed to gauge her reaction to his words. Her eyes were wet, crinklingin the corners as she attempted to hold back her emotions. “Are you sorry about that one, too, Mom? Or was the apology only for trying to hold me back from what I really wanted just so your precious Patrick could have his dreams?” Fury rolled through my veins, and I let go of everything I’d been holding on to for far too long.
“Now, Ryan,” my father warned.
Mom spoke at nearly the same time,almost crying. “Honey, that’s what we’re—”
“I don’t give a shit about anything either of you have to say. That’s the fucking problem, you know. I’ve been listening to your shit.” Pausing, I shifted my focus to my father for the next part. “You have done nothing but put me down over the years. What the fuck did I ever do to you? It’s like you hate me for no good reason. And you,” I said calmly,in a sense, almost begging, “you never stopped him. You never told him or Patrick to leave me alone. Never once stuck up for me.” Emotions clogged my throat and tears threatened. “No, all you ever did was look the other way and pretend like you never saw a damn thing. You’re supposed to stand up for me, to love me. Some fucking mom.”
My anger had gotten the best of me and before I could let eitherof them get in any kind of explanation, I swiped the papers up from the table. I didn’t give two shits about the fact that I knocked the chair over as I grabbed my bag. And I certain didn’t have one single fuck to give when they called me back into the kitchen as I walked away from them.
