We stood there for what felt like hours, my fingers gripping his body as if it were my life line in a tumultuous storm. Of course it had only been seconds, but in that time, my skin felt as if it would ignite under the intenseheat brewing between us. The soft, subtle smile lighting up his face did things to me for which I was certain there were no words to describe. He moved his arm awkwardly around mine to clap me on the back. “Thanks, man. That means a lot,” he said through his smile. “All of it means a lot. The project. Feeling welcomed here. Thanks.” His words were simple, but I had a gut feeling there was more meaningpacked into them than I could truly envision.
We broke contact and though I was still a bit dazed at the entire exchange, I followed behind him as he walked toward the fire pit area where we had a few chairs set up. “So what do you want to do? What’s your college set up?” The chairs were so close to each other, there was no space between the arms.
“Haven’t figured out what I want to do exactly.Something with my hands. I can’t see myself being stuck behind a desk my whole life.” We both nodded in agreement. The thought of wasting a life away, working for someone else’s success was never part of my plan. “I thought about going to the community college for two years. Get the basic stuff out of the way while I figure it all out. College is so damn expensive. Doesn’t make sense to wastemoney on something if you’re not completely sold on what you want to do. You know?”
“Makes perfect sense if you ask me. Your parents are okay with that?”
“Sure. I mean, why wouldn’t they be?” The words were out of my mouth before I could think better about speaking them.
A few seconds of silence passed between us before he turned in his seat. Looking me straight in the eye, he said, “You’dbe surprised. Not all parents are the same.”
And once again without thinking, I dropped my hand to his leg. Squeezing his thigh, I said, “I know. I’m sorry. I wish they were different.”
In a move that shocked me to my bones, he covered my hand with his, nodded, and said, “Me too. Me too.”
Though it had been the thing I was craving, his touch made me more nervous than anything else. Maybe itwas excitement mixing with anxiety, but the very distinct feeling that this was the first touch of many more to come washed through my body with tidal force.
My skin longed for the touch of his once he pulled his hand away. Within a few steps of the back door, I said, “If there’s anything you ever need help with, I mean as far as the college stuff goes, just let me know. I’m not an expert byany means, but—” I paused because I knew I was rambling. His eyes searched mine as I tried desperately to find the right words. Finally, I spoke, my voice sincere but quiet, “I’m here for you.”
He nodded, smiled, and then continued to walk with me back into my house without saying another word. I don’t think he spoke a word through dinner and I hated that he felt so uneasy. To say it was an awkwardgoodbye would be an understatement. But there was no denying that the time we spent together, working on our project and talking out at the dock—that time was perfect. So as I watched him walk away, I knew something had changed between us.
Even though I saw him every day in class, it had been threedays since we’d spoken in my backyard. Since then, it hadn’t been more than a quick hello in the hall, or a “what’s up” in shop class. Wracking my brain, I sorted through everything we talked about on Sunday and wondered what the hell I’d done wrong.
Second guessing myself was one of my finest qualities and where anything involving Ryan was concerned, I was reaching expert status. What made iteven more confusing was the fact that Ryan was acting as if nothing had happened at all. The guy didn’t even say a word to me today in class. So while technically, that much was true—nothing happened in the larger sense—there was no way on earth he couldn’t have noticed the small sparks coming to life between us as that day went on.
Distracted by my all-over-the-place emotions, and desperatelyneeding to put some distance from this new version of Ryan, somehow I’d managed to walk my way to the parking lot, unlock and start my car, and pull all the way up to the exit gates without realizing that Ryan had been jogging right behind my car, trying to get my attention.
When I slammed on the brakes, he ran right into my rear bumper, scaring the shit out of me. “Are you okay? Holy shit!”The words rushed out of my mouth as panic set in. He was hunched over in a ball, his books scattered next to the wheel. “Ry, fuck, I’m sorry.”
Very slowly, he uncurled from a fetal position. When he took a few deep inhales, he winced in pain and I immediately worried that I’d somehow broken a rib or two. At this point, a small crowd had gathered. Someone scooped up Ryan’s books as the securityguard pushed everyone back a few steps. After what seemed like forever, he finally said, “Well, that sucked.”
Relief rushed over me like an avalanche, until he winced again as he righted himself. “Shit,” I cursed, moving to his side to help support his weight. “Come on,” I coached as I helped him to the passenger side of the car. The security guard walked behind us and then handed Ryan his booksbefore shutting the door.
Through the opened window, he asked, “You sure you’re okay? Want me to call your folks or anything? An ambulance?” Ryan of course declined that offer, claiming the wind had just been knocked out him, that nothing else was wrong. “Okay then,” the guard continued, turning his attention to me. “Just make sure you take care of him.”
“Sure will,” I croaked as I envisionedwildly erotic images of what kind oftaking careI had in mind.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I clicked the seat belt in place and gripped the steering wheel as if my life depended on it. “Areyouokay?” Ryan asked, a smug grin pulling on his lips.
Raking a hand through my hair, I let out a chuckle or two as I let the scene replay in my head. “Yeah, I’m good. Just a little shaken up.”
“Yeah?”he taunted. “At least you didn’t get run over by your best friend.”
At the same moment, we both heard the words he’d said. With time standing still, we both stared out the windshield. The universe could have crumbled around us and we wouldn’t have noticed it. Was him calling me his best friend really that big of a deal?
Probably not.
But then again, I was an over-analyzer to the core.
Yet,there had to be some gravity behind it because even after what felt like hours later, Ryan still hadn’t said anything. And then, as if my thoughts provoked his actions, he turned in his seat, faced me, and said, “Sorry. Didn’t mean that.”
In the moment, I was both panicked and pissed off. So rather than making something out of nothing, even though Iknewit was most definitely something, I simplysaid, “Huh? What? Sorry, I was still trying to get my shit together.”
“Yeah, of course.” And just like that it was over.
We drove the few minutes back to my house and I was so shaken up over his words more so than him running into my car that I didn’t even think to ask if he wanted me to drop him off at his house. It was like I had driven the entire way on autopilot. After I shifted the carinto park, I looked over at Ryan and cursed, “Shit, sorry.” I reached for my seat belt once again and leaned to click it into place. “I’ll drive you home. Sorry about that.”
His hand covered mine on the buckle and, in that instant, a storm of emotions twirled in my chest. “Can I stay?” Serene and at ease, his voice was the polar opposite of my racing anxiety. “Before I crashed into your bumper,I was trying to get your attention to see if you could help me with something,” he explained, never once moving his hand from mine.
