“Fucking hell,” I muttered to myself when I stepped out of the garage and into the kitchen. Just a few days ago, I told myself that I could ignore my feelings for Ryan. I even went so far as to say he was too complicated for me anyway.
Well, it turned out that Ryan was the perfect amount of complicated. So perfect in fact that if I spent the rest of my life trying to untie the knotsof his existence, I would never get tired. Even though I’d caught small glimpses into who he was, I still wanted to know more about him. I was dying to see who he truly was, to see beyond his sad exterior, to learn what lit the fire I saw in his eyes. Those thoughts gave me the strength I needed to go ahead and ask the questions I’d been dying to ask since he showed up with that bruise on his face.After grabbing the water, I walked back to the garage, renewed and excited simply at the idea of getting to know him a little bit more.
“What’s that look on your face for?”
He was sitting there, staring at the door, a small smile pulling at his lips. On any other person it would be only slightly weird, but on Ryan, it was so far out of character I wondered if there wasn’t something really wrongwith him.
My words shook him out of whatever daze he was in, and he almost fell out of his chair. He played his loss of balance off like no big deal, getting up from his chair and taking one of the waters from my hand. When he sat back down, I pulled a chair next to him. The air was thick, partly from the humidity and from the heat of working with all the power tools. But there was no mistakingthe tension vibrating all around us as a main contributor to the heat. He offered no response, just a subtle shrug as he drank down most of the water in one long sexy-as-sin gulp.
“Come on,” I said. I didn’t even look behind me to see if he’d follow. Something told me he would go wherever I asked him to.
No more than two minutes later, we were in the backyard, sitting at the edge of the dock,watching the waves ripple up on the shoreline of my lawn. “It’s nice out here,” Ryan said, cutting through what could have extended into a very awkward silence. Because as much as I wanted to talk with him, to get to know the person beneath the surface, I had no clue where to start.
“This place is my favorite. It’s where I go when I need a few minutes away from everything.” I was hoping he wouldtake the bait, but he just sat there, silently brooding.
And just when I thought he was going to get up and walk away, make plans for another workshop day, he instead turned to me and said, “I wish I had something like this. There’s so much shit I need to get away from.”
Stunned into silence, I didn’t know exactly what to say. Rather than prodding, something I figured he wouldn’t react thatwell to, I agreed, saying, “I know, right. Life is fucking hectic right now. Between figuring out all this college stuff and then taking care of school, it’s so freaking overwhelming.”
Ryan let out a deep breath as he picked up a pebble from the dock and tossed it in the water. “Not for me,” he spit out, his voice curt and harsh. “College is all done. Courtesy of good ol’ Mom and Pop.”
“Yousound real happy about it too,” I joked as I grabbed for another rock to toss in the water.
“Fucking ecstatic.” Harsh and cold again, his tone relayed his pain, or at the very least his anger. Without saying anything else, he jumped down off the dock and strolled along the shoreline of my yard. Of course I followed like a puppy. I had a feeling I’d be tied to him for quite some time.
“What doyou mean?” I asked with innocence in my words.
At first his only response was to grab another rock and toss it in the water. So I followed suit and let him figure out his words as theplunk plunk plunkof rocks hitting water sounded out in front of us.
“Oh, you didn’t hear?” Sarcasm painted his rhetorical question an ugly shade of annoyance as it knotted his brows together in such a way thathe almost didn’t look like the same person from minutes ago. “Patrick is going to N.C. State. Football scholarship. It’s all a big fucking deal. I’m surprised my parents didn’t send out newsletters to the entire town.”
“Okay, that’s great for him.” My words sounded just as confused as I was, coming out more like a question than an actual response. “But what does that have to do with you?”
“Nothing.That’s the point. It has nothing to do with me. But I’m going there, too. Just because Patrick is.” Another rock went into the water. It sank, no doubt, all the way to the bottom just as Ryan’s mood had at the mention of college and his brother.
“Doesn’t seem all that fair.”
A humorless, almost pained laugh fell from his full lips. “Nope. Not one bit, yet here I am.”
“So where do you want togo? What doyouwant to do?” Excitement bubbled in my chest because I felt like I might actually get somewhere with him.
As dramatically as the most theatrical of teenagers, Ryan flopped back onto the lawn. He folded his arms under his head and looked up at the clouds as if they held all the answers. “Get the hell out of here. That much is true, but not at State. That’s just not even close tomy choice. But my parents—” He paused before letting out a long, loud, irritated sigh. “We don’t have much money. So with my brother’s scholarship and some kind of multiple kid discount, and my okay-ish grades, they barely have to pay anything.” He chuckled and then added, “But the money they are spending is because of me. They’ve reminded me of that more than a few times. Patrick earned his collegeeducation. I just get to go along for the ride. That’s what they tell me anyway.”
My parents were by no means perfect. But never in my life did I ever feel like they’d force me into something simply because it was easier for them.
“Do they know how you feel?” Another rock landed in the water following my question.
He shrugged. “Sure. They just don’t care.”
“That’s not true,” I defended thembecause I found it impossible to think that parents didn’t love their own children.
He laughed, stood, and walked closer to the water. “You say that because you haven’t met them. Give them a chance and then you’ll see for yourself. We’re nothing like your family. In fact, I’d bet money that with me being here tonight for dinner, they’re probably thankful for the extra elbow room on the table.”The sincerity of it all hit me in the gut. In all the ways I’d hoped to get to know Ryan, I never would have imagined it would be only to discover that he truly felt unloved. Bringing the conversation back to his college pursuits, he said, “But I’m not done fighting that fight just yet.” He let out a deep breath as he folded his arms over his broad chest. “I found a few schools that have reallygreat architecture programs. The one I really want to go to has a carpentry program as an add-on to the major.”
“And that’s what you want?”
“Hell, yeah.” His excitement was vibrant and alive. “Ideally, I want to own my own company. Build people their dream homes.” He shrugged again, keeping his eyes trained on the water. When he reached up to run a hand through his messy hair, I couldn’t peelmy eyes away from the curves of his muscles, the way his forearm bunched and pulled as he tugged on the silky strands. “I never felt at home in my own house. Not that it ever had anything to do with the structure. It was always about the people. But if I can spend my life making people love the place they live, then… I don’t know. I guess it all sounds stupid.”
All day I’d been dying to touchhim. Premeditating a hundred moves, I tried but failed. The courage just wasn’t there, but here in this moment, I didn’t need courage to touch him. Moving out of pure instinct, I stepped in front of him and put my hands on his shoulders. Hoping to get his attention so that he would hear every word I was about to speak, I shook him gently, curling my fingers into the soft curve of his shoulder muscles.“There is nothing stupid about that at all.” Another gentle shake was meant to echo the depth from where my words came. “In fact, I think it’s pretty fucking amazing.”
