Somehow, I’d made it through most of the day without anyone saying a word to me about the bruise covering half my face. But of course he saw it. I don’t know what I expected, but I’d simply hoped to fly under the radar.
The bell rang as I was packing up my work station and I was glad that I had to stay behind. That meant I could walk out of the class without having to talk to him again.When the room was cleared out of everyone except Mr. Morgan and myself, I felt like I could finally breathe again.
I hated that Quinn did that to me. There was something about him that I was far too afraid to put to words that made me incapable of breathing, of talking, of blending into the background.
Quinn did more than notice me.
Hesawme, and I was petrified to know just how much he’dseen in the few hours we’d spent together last week.
By the time I walked out of the classroom, the halls were mostly cleared out. Very few people hung around the building after classes were done anyway. They all had sports, or clubs, or friends to attend to.
Not me.
“Loser,” I said to myself as I walked down the hall to my locker.
“What did you call me?” Quinn popped out from the bathroomjust as I walking past it.
My heart hammered in my chest and it wasn’t entirely because he’d scared me. It was because he was so close to me, I could feel the heat moving in waves off his body. His tight gray T-shirt made my mind race with what his body must look like and the heavy metal of his belt buckle made me fantasize about what it would sound like as I opened it and dropped it to the ground.
“Huh?” I sounded like a fool and was sure I looked like one as I stood there with my mouth open, all but staring at his junk. “What? Um, nothing.”
The sound of Quinn’s laughter barely registered over the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. It wasn’t until he touched my chin, lifting it with his finger, that I was pulled from my erotic daze. “My eyes are up here.”
Fuck, I was staring at him.His crotch. Shit, I was thinking about his dick and he knows it.
Shame and embarrassment warred in my veins. Then fear took over. I stepped into his personal space and immediately regretted the decision. Being close to him did nothing to give me the upper hand. Needing more leverage, I shoved him on the shoulders and stepped even closer, so close our toes were almost touching. “What the fuckdo you want?” I spat angrily, twisting my face up in a way that could only be described as disgust.
Quinn held up his hands in defense. “Hey, hey.” He spoke quietly, trying to calm the sudden burst of anger I’d just thrown his way. “Chill out. I was just trying to talk to you.”
The sincerity in his voice brought on even more shame. For years, I’d longed for a friend. Someone I could turn towhen my life got shitty, which seemed to happen all too often. And here he was, simply trying to be nice to me and I didn’t even know how to act like a human.
You’re nothing more than a fuckup.My father’s words echoed in my head and though he’d taken them back the night he said them to me, they would forever be etched into my permanent memory. Now, they were simply part of how I saw myself.
An epic fuckup.
Hating the way my anger had boiled over so quickly, I took a step back, let out a deep breath, and said, “Sorry. You just caught me off guard.” It was a lie and I was pretty sure he saw it as such, but it was the only way I could think to recover from it all. “What’s up?” I asked as I continued walking to my locker.
Quinn walked next to me and out of the corner of my eye, I sawthe dismayed look wash over his face. He looked tired, almost as if he’d been missing out on sleep. But as much as I would have liked to think about what Quinn looked like in sleep—all relaxed and at ease, hopefully naked—I knew I had to get away from him before I said something I regretted.
As I spun the dial on the lock, Quinn leaned up against the locker next to mine. When he pressed his backto the metal, I wanted nothing more than to press my body against his. Thankfully, the door to my own locker provided me the opportunity to hide my blush from him. I was sure he was boring holes into the metal staring at me, waiting for me to move from behind the cover of the door because it took him more than a few seconds to let out a long sigh before saying, “Just wanted to see if you wantedto meet again on Sunday to work on the project. I know it’s not due until the end of the year, but we should get moving on it sooner rather than later. Plus my mom has been asking about you. She’s not going to take any more excuses from me about why you can’t make it to dinner.”
“What do you mean dinner?” There was no hiding the confusion in my voice. Then I remembered the invite she’d offeredme the other day.
Quinn sighed and rolled his eyes. “She’s been telling me to invite you for dinner all week. But, well, since you haven’t been here, I kept making up excuses.”
I thought about what to do, about whether or not I should let my guard down and spend even more time with him, with his family. On the one hand, I knew my life was sad, but there was comfort in the knowledge that no oneat home could really hurt me more than they’d already done. It simply wasn’t possible. So if I went to his house more often, spent more time falling for Quinn, feeling as if there was genuine kindness in the world as seen by the loving way his family treated each other, I knew when they found out who I really was, they’d throw me out just like the trash I was. But the alternative—staying at homewhile my dad and brother screamed at an endless barrage of football games while Mom buried herself in her never-ending list of tasks—was far less attractive than any scenario I could envision.
“What do you think? Can you make it Sunday?
Without letting any of those thoughts float too close to the surface I said, “Yeah, sure. Whatever. Sounds good.” I added a shrug for good measure.
Quinn laughedand said, “Okay. Same time. See you then.” He turned away from me before adding, “Oh, and you have to stay for dinner on Sunday. My mom is threatening me with a week of cleaning the bathrooms if you don’t show up.” He added that little nugget right at the end of the conversation as if he’d been holding onto it the entire time—as if he was afraid of my reaction.
Not knowing how to react, I shruggedand said, “Sure, why not,” hoping the simplicity of the response would hide how genuinely happy I was to have the opportunity not to be at home.
As I watched him disappear down the hallway, I wondered how it was so easy for some people to walk with such a bounce in their step. His head was always held high, never staring down at the ground. It sounded stupid, but I could tell he was a happy kidjust by watching him walk.
Figuring I had nothing to lose, after I closed my locker, I walked away holding my head just as Quinn had held his. And though the sun was rather bright, I refused to stare at the ground. In fact, the entire way home, I thought about all the things I disliked about my life. By the time I reached my house, I was fed up with all of them and determined to change. It hadbeen a decision that was a long time coming. Ever since my parents had seemingly made up my mind for me about going to the same school as Patrick, the idea of turning my life around, of standing up for myself, had been brewing.
