As Ryan walked down the block, I couldn’t peel my eyes away from his retreating back. Sure, I played it off like I was just sitting on the porch swing enjoying the cool, afternoon breeze, but in reality I was reliving every moment of the time we’d just spent together. All of the nervous energy I had before he showed up—changing my shirt four times, just to end up wearing the one I hadon in the first place, the mental pep talk I gave to my reflection—it was all worth it.
The only thing pulling my eyes away from Ryan was the car approaching up in front. My sister stepped out and I was more than a little surprised to see Patrick, Ryan’s brother, sitting in the front seat. Practically bouncing, she walked up the porch steps and sat next to me on the swing. “You’re smitten, aren’tyou?”
“What?” I was genuinely caught off guard.
“Oh stop,” she said, slapping me on the arm as she tucked her legs under her body. “With him,” she added, tipping her head down the block where Ryan had just been walking.
Embarrassed that she’d somehow caught me staring, I shrugged and only offered a nondescript, “Whatever,” as a response.
She nudged me in the ribs with her elbow. “Come on.Tell me,” she begged.
“Nah,” I deflected, ending that line of conversation. “Besides, I think you’re rather smitten yourself.”
Her face lit up and I didn’t even have to mention his name. “Maybe a little.”
“A little.” I laughed, turning to face her. “Sarah, you’re smiling so freaking big your face is going to get stuck like that if you don’t take a break.”
Mirroring my action from just secondsago, she shrugged. But unlike me, she didn’t deflect. “He’s nice. Really sweet. I don’t know. I guess I just like spending time with him.”
“I bet it doesn’t hurt that he’s the quarterback and captain of the football team,” I ventured a guess.
“Nope, not one bit. He’s definitely easy to look at.” She giggled, revealing every bit of the innocence she possessed. I hoped to God she’d always staythat way, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. Especially if she continued to date Patrick. But those weren’t thoughts I felt like dealing with just now.
“Just be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Without missing a beat, she chimed in. “And I don’t want to see you hurt either. So is he… you know.”
She was the only one who knew I was gay. If there was anyone I could trust, it was Sarah.And, true to her word, in the two years that she’d known, she’d never told anyone. Not even Mom and Dad—and she told them everything.
In the time since I came to accept my own sexuality, I’d become a lot kinder to myself. I remembered the beginning of high school and even parts of last year as being a huge fucking struggle. I hated myself, even though I played it off like I was the happiest kidalive. Sarah was the only one who saw past it all. Or she was the only one to ask me about it anyway. “You can say the word, you know,” I joked. “Gay isn’t a curse.” I chuckled because on some days it sure as hell felt like one.
“Okay, fine. So is he? You know, gay?” she whispered as if the volume of her question affected it somehow.
Shrugging, I said, “I don’t know. I’m still on the trial versionof my gaydar.” The fact that she actually paused to process my comment while opening and closing her mouth as she fought to find the words was ridiculously hysterical. “Gaydar isnota real thing. God, you’re a dope.”
She punched me on the arm once more and laughed. “Come on, you jerk. Talk to me. I know he was just here today, but I’m sure Mom is already planning on inviting him over to dinner—youknow, for the rest of his life.” The veil of all our joking around had been lifted and there was a new tone of sincerity to her words, compelling me to open up. “I just want to know about him since it seems like he’s pretty important to you, already.”
“I don’t know what his deal is.” A small laugh tumbled from my mouth because no truer words could ever be spoken about Ryan. He was quiet to afault, reserved beyond measure, and a totally mystery.
He was the labyrinth in which I couldn’t wait to get lost.
I stood from the swing, letting those confused feelings about Ryan swirl in my head. “You have to know something,” Sarah called out as I reached for the doorknob.
Without an ounce of reservation in my bones, I admitted, “I know that I want him to be gay.” The chains from the swingclanked as Sarah stood.
“But—”
Turning around, I dropped my hands on her shoulders as if to keep her in her place. Because I knew if I didn’t explicitly tell her to leave me alone, she never would. That was Sarah, always the digger. She needed to know what was wrong, what was the issue at the root of the problem, because in her innocent naivety, she thought she could fix anything. “Listen, Ijust need some space. I have to figure this all out in my own head before I go sharing all the dirty details with you.” I didn’t want to upset her, but the look on her face as it twisted in disappointment told me I’d done just that. “I promise when it all makes sense, you’ll be the first person I talk to.” Holding up my hand in mock scout’s honor, I tried to lighten the mood with a small smile.
The silence stretched briefly before she said, “Okay, fine.” She wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me tightly, like she had done on my first day of high school. There were tears in her eyes then because she was so sad that after I graduated we’d no longer be in school together any more. “I just want you to be happy.”
Mom calling us in to help with dinner was the perfect break to theconversation. It was also the distraction I needed to stop thinking about Ryan.
Or so I thought.
It turned out that nothing was capable of erasing the images of him holding my sketchbook in his hands from my head—those strong fingers, calloused palms. I needed them on me. Wiping my napkin across my lips only served as a sharp reminder that earlier in the day I was stuck in the fantasy of pressingthose same lips against Ryan’s. Washing the dishes—something so decidedly unsexy—only made me think of what it would feel like to run my hands all over his sweaty body, pulling it closer and closer to my own until no space existed between us.
And as I drifted to sleep with the images of us laughing and sharing our deepest secrets as if we were long-time lovers, I felt hopefulness come to lifein my chest that had never been there before.
