As I walked to the front of the bar, I caught sight of Rob before he saw me. His coworker, Colin, saw me first. Awkwardly waving his armin the air, Colin waved me over. As he leaned his head to the side, it looked as if he was whispering something to Rob. And when the surprise registered on Rob’s face as his eyes found me among the small group of people walking up to the patio of outdoor seating, I wondered why the hell I thought coming here was a good idea in the first place.
“Hey,” Rob called out, sounding more like he wasgreeting another coworker than his boyfriend. “What are you doing here?” he asked, slapping me on the back and pulling me toward his table. His body was rigid standing next to me, his voice sharp and hard, sounding more foreign than familiar. Granted, I’d only met Colin once when he picked Rob up to go out to a work dinner, but I still would have expected a warmer reception than the current icy oneI was experiencing.
He was “out” at work, and most of his friends knew me, so I had no idea why he was acting so strange. Again, choosing to focus on my task at hand was more important than focusing on what was out of place. Snaking my arm around his waist, I pulled his lean body next to mine. I hoped the atmosphere would warm at our touch, but I was wrong. All it did was make him stand moreupright, rather than ease into my side. “I, uh,” I began, stuttering like a fool. “Well, I figured you know, since it, uh, was, I mean… since we were kind of celebrating before you left, I thought I could join in. Get out of the house for a bit.” Thankful the words were out of my mouth, I reached for the beer Rob had just brought to the table. After taking a large chug of the cool, hoppy brew, I feltsome of my nerves ease away. Dropping the glass on the table, I realized I drank half of the tall mug in all of two large swallows.
“Where’s everyone else?” I asked, scanning the crowd for the faces I knew from Rob’s office. When I saw no one I knew, I continued, “I thought this was a work thing.”
“Not sure,” Colin chimed in, searching the patio for the same faces I’d just tried to locate. “Letme go call Shannon and Eric,” he said, excusing himself as he stood from his seat at the high-top bar table. “I know they said they were coming.” The end of his sentence faded into the growing crowd. Before he disappeared inside, which had to be far louder than out here, to make his call, I waved over a waiter and ordered two more beers.
With the cold rim of the mug I’d already taken a few sipsfrom pressed to my lips, I asked Rob, “What’s up with him? He seems off.”
Shrugging, he fidgeted with his fingers. “Not sure. He didn’t mention anything.” The tone of his voice sounded off, much like how the rigidity of his body felt wrong.
“What’s wrong?” As my hand covered his, I half expected him to pull away. Thankful, however, that he didn’t, I took a deep breath and continued, “You handedme a puppy, congratulated me on my new job, and then up and left. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” he answered quickly, coldly. “I told you already. I had this work thing. You must have forgotten about it.”
Wracking my brain, I tried my best to recall this conversation he was talking about, but it simply didn’t exist. Since I’d been waist deep in work for as long as I could remember, that didn’tmean the conversation didn’t happen. But I swore this was something he didn’t tell me about until his hand was on the doorknob no more than an hour ago.
Just as the waiter delivered our drinks, Rob looked over my shoulder. Turning around, I caught a glimpse of Colin making a slicing motion across his neck. Before I could ask what the hell that was all about, Colin stood next to the table, hisfingers tapping a furious beat on the cedar top. “Sorry, but I gotta run,” he spat out, his words clipped and curiously shaky.
Sounding as if something was seriously wrong, I asked, “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, it’s just his grandma. She’s been sick,” Rob explained for Colin, who just stood there.
“Real sick,” Colin finally added.
Then, without saying so much as a goodbye, he was walking awayfrom us, turning his body sideways to cut through the mass of bodies hanging around the bar inside. “I thought he was calling Shannon and Eric?”
With his mug pressed up to his lips, Rob paused, seeming as if he didn’t know what to say. “Actually, I talked to them before I left and they weren’t going to be able to make it.” He followed his explanation with chugging his beer hard enough for halfof it to disappear before dropping it back to the table.
Deciding not to push the issue, I shrugged, took another chug of my beer and asked, “So, then it looks like it’s just the two of us for dinner then, huh?” I let a sly smile spread across my face, hoping my best to relay the less than clean visions I had playing through my head.
“Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?” he clipped.
And yet, just likethat, with his five simple words, a pang of sadness washed through my chest. There was only so much ignoring I could do.
After taking what felt like my hundredth deep breath in the last twenty minutes, I clenched my fists and slammed them down on the table, shaking the drinks in the process. “What the hell is your problem?” I barked, drawing the attention of a few people nearby.
He looked around,clearly more concerned with what the other people thought than how I felt. Noticing that pushed me even further over the edge, after more than a few seconds, he answered, “Nothing. What’s your problem?” His voice was low, seething almost.
“My problem?” I asked indignantly, throwing my hands up in the air. “My problem?” Laughing, I felt rage bubble up in my chest. “My problem is you.”
“Me?” herepeated in disbelief. “And what exactly have I done?”
Realizing we’d drawn the attention of more than a handful of people standing around us, I pitched my voice low as I leaned over the table. “Nothing. And that’s just the fucking problem. You’ve done nothing.” His face twisted in what I hoped was anguish. I wanted my words to cause as much pain and torment as his nonactions had caused me. Liftingthe last of my beer to my lips, I chugged it down, wishing it was something stronger, something that burned my chest on the way down, something that would make me forget about all my problems, at least for now. “You’ve done nothing,” I spat, before turning away.
I didn’t even bother to turn around to see if he was coming after me. I knew he wasn’t. And for the first time in the last few months,I was glad he wasn’t. I needed some quiet. I needed some space to figure out all the shit running through my head.
And I needed some fucking whiskey to numb this dull ache searing a hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
