“Whatever,” I mumbled, before slamming the door in his face. That should be enough to tell him I needed some space. Though I heard his footsteps behind me the rest of the way into the gym, he didn’t say aword. He was already changed, so I was thankful for the quiet the locker room provided me. Even though there wasn’t anyone else in there with me, the voices in my head made enough noise to fill the void. From cursing myself for even thinking about Noah, to screaming at myself for showing up at his house, they simply wouldn’t shut up.
After popping in my earbuds, I made my way to the treadmill.Punishing myself physically would be the perfect pairing to punishing myself mentally. But even after five miles of running at a sprinter’s pace, I still felt angry over the entire thing. Bent over, I tried my best to catch my breath, but my lungs couldn’t get enough oxygen.
“Feeling any better,” Gavin asked, slapping his hand on my back, and scaring the shit out of me. He made me cough to thepoint where I thought my lungs might actually explode. “Dude, you okay?”
Standing upright, I reached for my water, and slowly my breathing returned to normal. “Yeah, I’m good,” I finally managed.
He laughed, snagging my water from my hands. “Sure you are. You ready to tell me what the hell happened earlier?”
“What is there to say?”
Despite it being a rhetorical question, he still answered.“How about starting with why you were so angry earlier? And then you can get to why you didn’t call either me or Benny last night to let us know where the fuck you were.” Heated anger coated his words, and I hadn’t even thought about how he’d feel about me disappearing for the night. “You know, he was really scared. I only saw him cry at the funeral, but last night….” Thankfully his words faded away.I didn’t need to hear that I’d made my baby brother cry thinking I was dead somewhere, just like my parents had been that night.
Raking my hand through my sweaty hair, I let out a pained sigh. “I know. Look, I promise I won’t do that again. Let’s get out of here and I’ll tell you the rest of it.”
By the time we’d pulled up to my apartment, I’d told Gavin about my stellar fucking night, leavingout the details of the mind-blowing sex. Some things were better-kept secret. The car lurched into park, and Gavin twisted in his seat to face me. “So fuck it,” he stated plainly. “And fuck him then.”
Oh, if you only knew.
“Care to elaborate,” I prodded, turning to face him.
“It’s easy. The guy clearly has his own issues that have nothing to do with you. And honestly,” he started, before lettingout a deep breath. Pausing, he focused his attention on the car pulling up beside us. It was Benny coming home from work.
“Honestly?” I prodded, wanting him to finish his thought.
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit, nothing. Tell me what you were going to say.” It was the “best friend” voice that we used in times when we needed nothing but the truth from one another.
And just like that, he picked his sentenceright back up where he left off. “You have more important things to worry about than what some one-night stand thinks about who you may or may not be sleeping with.” On his last words, he angled his head to Benny, standing next to our shared car, his arms loaded with groceries he must have gotten on his own after his shift at the grocery store.
“You’re right,” I decided, and stepped out of thecar. Poking my head back into the cabin before closing the door, I told him I’d see him at seven when he picked me up for work that night.
“Hey, let me help,” I called to Benny as he waddled toward the door.
“Nah, I got it.” His face was bright red, and I could tell he was straining under the weight of the bags. But I didn’t want to wound his pride. Or drop the eggs. “Just open the door.”
I did and then held it open for him as he made his way into the apartment. Shockingly, he managed to get everything to the small L-shaped island jutting out from the kitchen without dropping anything.
Or breaking his arm.
“You didn’t have to do this,” I said as I began unloading the bags. “I told you I’d go shopping on Sunday.” I left the words “with my stripper money” unsaid. It wasn’t somethingI was particularly proud of, and as far as Benny was concerned, I bartended on the weekends. It wasn’t too far from the truth, but at the same time, I wasn’t proud of lying to him. Maybe one day I’d be okay with it, but today wasn’t that day.
“I know,” he deflected. “But I can help. Besides, I got some stuff for dinner. I figured we could eat together before you had to go to work.” There wassomething so innocent, so pure in his words, I felt as if they’d actually pushed me off balance, making me stumble backward.
As he cooked his specialty—grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup with Goldfish crackers—he talked about practice and about how his coach thought he could get the attention of some scouts. He told me about a girl he’d started talking to, well, texting, but that was essentiallythe same thing. It was weird because neither of us had ever talked to our father the way he was talking to me. It was easygoing and genuine. It could only be described as the way two brothers would talk to one another, with no front, or defense, no façade.
Guilt punched me in the gut so hard I had to push away the last few bites of my dinner. I’d spent the entire day worrying about some prickof a doctor who, like Gavin said, had his own boatload of issues. Meanwhile, my kid brother was holding the weight of the world on his soon-to-be seventeen-year-old shoulders. And damn, if he wasn’t doing it with grace.
I was so damn proud, all I could do was smile at him like an idiot.
And of course, Benny noticed it. “What’s that look for?”
“Nothing,” I deflected wistfully.
“Nothing my ass,”he joked, clearing the plates from the counter. “But whatever. I’ll let it slide this time.” Pretending to be Mom, he waggled his finger in my face before adding her signature line: “But just this once,” as he smiled and winked. It was her cue to let us know we could always get away with whatever it was she was pretending to be upset by.
For the second time in one day, my heart warmed with thoughtsof her. God, I missed her, so damn much sometimes it physically hurt. After Benny went to his room to do some of his summer reading for his honors and college level courses, I flopped onto the couch and wondered if she’d forgiven me for being the epic asshole I’d been to her before she died. I wondered if she knew how much I regretted what I’d said to her. I wondered if she still loved me.
