My body ached in the mostperfect way. Stuck somewhere between being fully awake and fully asleep, I drifted in some kind of numb wakefulness, the early rays of the morning sun cutting into my consciousness. Surrounded by what felt like a cloud, I rolled over, reaching my arms out. As my hand landed on a warm body, I was awake instantly.
My eyes shot open and awareness crashed into me.
I spent the night at Noah’s.
Shit,I cursed to myself. Trying my best not to wake him up, I rolled back the other way to reach for my phone on the nightstand.Shit, shit, shit.Just as I figured, I had a ton of missed calls and texts from Benny and then later in the night from Gavin.Fuck, fuck, fuck.
As quietly as I possibly could, I rolled out of bed and padded over to the bathroom. Without even bothering to listen to thevoice mails or read through the texts, I called Benny immediately. “Chase,” he answered on the first ring, sounding like he’d been up all night.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just… I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry I didn’t call,” I rambled, feeling insanely guilty for making him go the entire night without knowing where I was. From the night our parents had died, it had been just the two of us. And sincethen, we’d promised each other that we would never leave the other one in the dark when it came to where we were.
Because we both knew all too well what happened when you let your mind wander to the darkest places.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice calming, sounding as if it filled with relief with each passing second.
Running my hand through my hair, I pulled hard on the ends as if makingmyself feel some kind of physical pain would be enough for the emotional pain I’d caused my little brother. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry,” I repeated yet again, even though it felt like it would never be enough.
“Hey,” he cut through what would have been more apologies. “Look, it’s okay. You’re a grown-up.” He laughed. “Well, kinda. Just call next time, okay?”
“I will. I promise.”
Feeling somewhatbetter, I listened as he told me about having soccer practice and then work. He was such a good kid, trying his best to still be “normal” at school while essentially being responsible for things no high school senior should be. After ending the call, I stared into the mirror, somewhat ashamed of the reflection looking back at me. I hated that I let Benny down. I hated that I let myself down.I hated that I slept better last night in someone else’s bed than I had in the last few months of sleeping on a piece-of-shit mattress in my shithole of a life.
Resolve set in after I splashed some cold water on my face. This whole fling with Noah was great, but there was no way it had a place in my life as far as something long-term.
I had no right to be thinking of anything long-term.
WhenI walked back into the bedroom, I was hoping to see Noah fast asleep, snoring away as I tiptoed out of his room. But clearly, luck wasn’t on my side. After I gathered the rest of my stuff, I went downstairs. With each step, the smell of coffee became stronger. The sliding glass door opened and Katie raced in. Immediately spotting me, she ran to the stairs and almost tackled me to the floor.
“Morning,” Noah greeted, looking ridiculously gorgeous as he leaned his hip against the counter, sipping on his coffee. Wearing nothing but loose-fitting gray sweatpants and a plain white T-shirt that hugged every single dip and curve of his muscles, I had to take a second to remember how to speak.
Finally, I croaked, “Hi,” as I moved away from Katie and toward him. “Thanks,” I said, taking themug he held out for me.
“Didn’t know how you take it,” he explained, his eyes shimmering with playfulness as we both felt the sexual play on his words. “Figured cream and sugar was good enough for anyone.” He watched, his eyes deep and dark, as I held the mug to my lips. Fuck. He made something as simple as drinking my morning coffee sinful.
The blaring sound of the smoke detector cut throughthe lust-filled silence. “Ah, fuck,” Noah cursed, reaching for the dish towel hanging next to the stove. Toast as black as asphalt popped out of the toaster, a thick cloud of black smoke rising into the air. With a few flaps of the towel, the smoke thinned and the loud beeping stopped. “So much for breakfast, huh?” he joked, tossing the charred bread into the trashcan.
“Not much of a cook, areyou?” I asked, unable to hide the smile creeping on my face.
“Not especially. But I kick ass at calling for takeout.”
Despite just minutes ago feeling nothing but determination for leaving Noah behind, something in me made me stay. Maybe it was the helpless look in his eyes, or the sexy smile decorating his face. It definitely had more to do with my own desire to have him again, bent over thebreakfast bar, begging for more.
Blinking away those thoughts, for now, I told him to sit. “You’re in luck today. Breakfast happens to be my specialty.” There wasn’t much in the fridge, or in the pantry for that matter. But there was enough to scrape something together.
I caught him watching me out of the corner of my eye. “So where did you learn to cook?”
“My mom, mostly.” Warmth spread inmy chest just thinking about how I used to drag the little red-and-white plastic step stool over to the kitchen counter to cook with her. It wasn’t ever really anything all that extravagant; we couldn’t afford meals like that. She always made me feel special, though, like all her attention was focused on me, and in those moments of helping her, it felt like there was no one else in the world besidesthe two of us. “She never cooked from a recipe,” I recalled, talking as I poured the eggs into the sizzling veggies on the stove. “Always threw stuff together, but it never seemed that way.”
“You guys are close, huh?”
Pretending to be occupied with flipping the eggs, I avoided answering him. Pain crept in where the warmth was. “Yeah,” I answered quickly, keeping my attention on the frying pan.Even I could hear the change in my voice, so I knew the change in my body language wouldn’t be that difficult to perceive. I hadn’t let myself remember her in far too long and now, like a sinkhole threatening to swallow me whole, months and months of emotions came crashing down out of nowhere.
But I fought them back. I had to. There was no way I was letting it all go now. Changing the topic,I hoped he wouldn’t clue in to my changing emotions. “For a man who doesn’t cook,” I said as I dished out the eggs, “you’ve got quite the kitchen.”
He shrugged, lowering his mug to the granite countertop. “Wasn’t my choice.” There was something hard and cold in his words.
Weren’t we just two peas in a fucking pod?
