The piece of art hanging on the wall on the east end of the hospital cafeteria had, by my best calculation, twelve hundred and eighty-two one-by-one-inch tiles of varying shades of blues and greens.
This was what my life had come to. Counting fucking tiles.
“Hello?” Wes’s voice snapped me out of my newfound habit of counting random shit to distract me. “What the hell?” he asked, taking asip of his coffee. “I asked you how the wedding was like five minutes ago and you’re just sitting there staring at that mural like it’s a naked woman.” After another quick sip, he corrected himself, “Man. I mean a naked man.”
And just like that, the twelve hundred tiles morphed from the ocean lapping against the shore into Chase’s naked body, standing before me, waiting for me to do what I wantwith it.
Sexual frustration was a bitch like that.
“Oh, uh, good. It was good.” The usually shitty coffee tasted even shittier.
Wes laughed, dropping the conversation I so clearly didn’t want to have. We ate in silence, leaving ten minutes later to start our day in the emergency room. As usual, work offered me the only worthwhile distraction from the numbness of my life. Between the long anddrawn-out break up with Rob, to the turmoil over the last month in dealing with how I felt about Chase and what was bubbling between us, it had been far too long since I felt like my life was my own.
Ten hours later, I found myself in a very similar situation. Wes and I were walking to the cafeteria, grabbing our hundredth cup of coffee for the day. “So, are you finally going to talk to me aboutwhatever the hell is bothering you, or are we going to draw it out for weeks and weeks like last time, until you’re ready to blow?”
Like some pathetically frustrated teenager, even the mention of the word blow had me hardening behind my long, white lab coat. “Option B?” I joked, more asking than telling.
“Nice fucking try.” Wes pulled a chair out next to me. After peeling back the plastic lidto his Styrofoam cup, he blew on the hot liquid. “Talk,” he demanded, pressing his lips to the rim. “Now,” he added, before taking a small sip.
As if my friend possessed a magic power over me, the story about what happened over the weekend—about Rob showing up with Chase, about Chase ditching me after he took care of Katie, about me feeling ridiculously lost and confused—all the words fell frommy lips with an ease that surprised even me.
“There we go,” he goaded. “So, what are you going to do about it?”
One question. So plain and simple, yet so loaded. Shrugging, I sipped my coffee, hoping it held the answer to all my life’s issues. No such luck, I guessed. “I don’t know.” I huffed. “I just don’t know.” The worst part was, that was the truth. I had no clue how to get what I wantedout of my life. On the surface, everything looked like it was perfect. But on the inside, it was the exact opposite. Working was the only thing that gave me purpose.
Wes pulled his phone from his pocket, presumably because it had buzzed. He wasn’t one to randomly scroll through pointless social media in the middle of a shift, or the middle of a conversation with a friend. He was good people likethat. After punching out a quick text, he slid it back into his pocket and then focused his attention back on me. “Look, this may sound like something I’ve already told you, but dude, fucking go for it.”
Again, so simple, yet so complicated.
He continued, without letting me get a word in. “You like the guy, right?” It was a rhetorical question. “You want to see where it goes, so go for it.”Much to my surprise, Wes stood from his chair, seemingly annoyed with this very one-sided conversation. “I need to get back, and then I’m going to go home and kiss the baby goodnight. Maybe make love to my wife.”
Something about the certainty with which he spoke his words, about the permanence of his routine, made me jealous. It was a blind stupidity that fueled me through the last few hoursof my shift. And by the time sixteen hours had passed, I trudged my way out of the hospital, hoping the solace of my bed would somehow make everything about the chaos of the last few days go away.
As I pulled up into my driveway, it was almost as if my bed was calling to me, my muscles aching so much with every step up the walkway. “I’m getting so fucking old,” I cursed to myself, adjusting mymessenger bag over my sore shoulder.
As I punched the numbers into the keypad, I waited for Katie to bark, knowing she’d be itching to get out. Even though the dog walker I’d hired had been here today, Katie would be anxious to see me after an exceptionally long day.
Except, after hitting the fourth button, I heard nothing. Odd.Maybe I forgot to set it. Maybe the dog walker forgot.The secondoption was the more likely one. I guess that would have to be something I’d need to take up with her another day. Since I didn’t have the energy to deal with it right now, I let my exhaustion take over and made my way up to my bedroom. Surely Katie had to be curled up on my bed, waiting for me there.
“Katie girl,” I called out, pushing open the door to my bedroom.
A shock like I’d never knownwashed over me as the light from inside my room flooded my senses. “Fucking hell,” I cursed, clutching my chest as if my heart had actually jumped out of my skin.
“Hey.” A sexy, and gravelly voice spoke. Blinking away the bright lights offending my eyes, I tried to make sense of it all, but it was pointless.
“What the?”
“It’s me,” the voice said again, this time moving toward me. “Chase,” heclarified, though I didn’t need the clarification at this point.
“What are you doing here?”
He laughed at my pointless question before answering, “I used the code you gave me last week, and I’m waiting for you in your bedroom.” He moved toward me, each step an agonizingly slow process. When he was no more than only a few centimeters in front of me, his toes nearly next to mine, he finally touchedme. His hand cupped my jaw, his thumb softly grazing over my lower lip. “I think my intentions are pretty clear. No?” A glint of humor flashed in his eyes before his mouth crashed into mine. There was nothing soft about the moment. The feel of his lips, tasting, demanding, invading, it was too much to bear.
Stepping back from him, my mind raced. He all but broke into my house. He was lying inmy bed. All nice and fucking cozy. “But,” I protested.
“I know.” Without letting me finish, Chase spoke, and his words were already soaked in guilt. “It’s not the most traditional way of going about seeing you. But… I… uh…,” he stammered. This time I moved toward him, cupping his face, running my thumb along his jaw. He closed his eyes and let out a slow exhale, his lips barely parting. “I wantedyou,” he admitted, his voice real and raw.
And at that moment, all my concerns, all my questions, washed away.
