Even beaten and battered, her face scratched and her eye swollen shut, she still looked beautiful. “Hi,” I said, feeling like whatever I said would be wrong. “I know you probably don’t want to see me,” I continued as I walked into the room.
Sarge followed at my side and as soon as he heard Delilah say, “No it’s okay,” he whined and wagged his tail. “I’m surprised you came here.” She was tired, but she didn’t miss a beat in serving me the jab I most certainly deserved.
“You were hurt. I left as soon as they called. Li, I would never . . .” I didn’t know how to end that sentence. Never hurt her? That definitely wasn’t true. Fuck, the night I left, I socked her in the stomach because she scared me while I had a panic attack.
Something clicked in my brain. “You were pregnant. That night?” I asked, already knowing the answer. “When I had my attack and hurt you. You were pregnant and I punched you in the stomach,” I rambled on, burying my face in my hands. Shame like I’d never felt in my life washed over me. “Did I hurt the baby?” I looked up at her, needing her to see how truly sorry I was.
“No,” she assured me. “I went to the doctor right away.”
I pulled her hand into mine as a natural motion. “Oh thank God. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, for everything.” Everything came crashing down at once. Tears streamed down my cheeks and emotion clogged my throat. “Li, I’m so sorry.”
She squeezed my hand, asking me to look her in the eyes. “Did you ever love me?”
I was tired of lying. So tired of living a life that wasn’t mine. Now was the time to lay it all on the table and figure out how to move on. “I did, but not in the way you wanted me to. You were my best friend. Hell, you were my only friend. And then—”
“I went and got pregnant,” she added, more than a hint of anger in her voice. “A miracle conception, huh?”
“We were drunk. I’d never been with a woman,” I explained, but before I could say more, she held her hand up, stopping me.
“I don’t want to hear it. I can’t,” she said, turning her face away from me.
“Li, please. Listen. I did what I knew I had to. I took care of you, of Simon,” I begged for her forgiveness, even though I hadn’t said the words. She wouldn’t look back at me, but I saw the tears tracking down her cheeks.
“Please, just go. I need to rest.”
Not willing to fight with her anymore, I told her I’d be back tomorrow with Simon. She nodded, keeping her eyes glued to the window.
As I left the hospital, I took stock of how much everything had changed in just one day. Yesterday, I was playing house with Jude, preparing to tell him about the life I’d left behind. And now, I was walking away from the hospital where I’d just learned I was going to be a father again.
Unable to take myself back to the house I shared with Delilah, I opted to stay at a motel. Something just wasn’t right about being there after leaving her, after telling her I was gay.
After knowing what it was like to share a bed with Jude, there was no way I could sleep in hers.
The motel was a shithole. It stank of mildew and stale air, and the wallpaper was a hideous puke-colored green. Everything about it reflected my current mood.
Stuck in the middle of a war that had no clear end in sight, I closed my eyes, hoping the answer would become clearer with a little rest. And yet it was the first time since I’d been home from battle that my sleep filled with nothing: no haunting visions of suicide, no screeching howls of war, no Russian Roulette-like choices between Simon and Jude.
There was nothing except the utter certainty that I’d wake up in the morning.
