“YOU OKAY OVER there?” Jude’s voice filtered in through the trance in which I was stuck.
“Huh?” Shaking my head, I had to think of a quick recovery. “Uh, yeah. I’m fine.” Real convincing.
Jude stood from the bench he’d been using to do bicep curls. His light brown hair was darker, soaked with sweat. Swiping his T-shirt from his body to wipe the sweat from his face was the last thing I needed.
And the only thing I wanted.
Regaining some of my ability to think, I said, “Just frustrated with my parents, that’s all.”
“Yeah,” he huffed in response. “Tell me about it.”
“Not getting anywhere with your dad, I guess?” There was no point in the question. In the last six months, I’d hung out with Jude pretty much every single day. What started out as a kind gesture to help a kid who was being bullied, turned into a friendship I didn’t realize I’d been missing all my teen years.
And it was turning into far more than I wanted to admit, to him or to myself.
“Anytime I try and bring it up, he just cracks open another beer and shrugs me off. Says there’s nothing wrong.” His frustration grew with every word he spoke. “And he won’t admit it, but I know he’s pissed that I lost weight.” Sinking back onto the bench, he hung his head low, cradling it in his hands. Muttering in disgust, he said, “It’s like me being fat was some kind of crutch for him. Like he could drink without being held accountable for it because I was eating my sorrows. And now that I’m—” He paused, lifting his head. His eyes met mine, and there was more pain there than I’d seen even in the early days of his weight loss journey. “Never mind,” he deflected, shooting up from his seat.
“Never mind what?” Following him, I longed to reach for his shoulder, to touch him and offer some comfort. But I wouldn’t. I told myself long agothatpart of me had to stay secret, hidden, forever buried where no one would see it.
“Nothing,” he argued, his voice taking on an angry flare.
“The fuck nothing,” I sneered, wishing he would give himself the credit he deserved.
But when the words “Now that I’m happy” fell from his mouth, I was caught off guard entirely. Missing my surprise, he continued. “And it’s not just about all the weight I’ve lost. That was never me in the first place. But all those miles and hours in the gym, I guess I’ve made peace with the shit that’s plagued me for years. My mom. The bullying.” It sounded as if he wanted to say more, but he didn’t.
He paced aimlessly as I mused, “That’s good, though, right?” The stupid voice in my head that I tried so hard to shut the fuck up whispered a tiny hope that I played a part in his happiness, too. I didn’t give that hope a voice. That kind of courage just wasn’t a part of who I was.
“Sure,” he scoffed sarcastically. There was something hidden in his voice, and it killed me that I couldn’t figure it out. After a deep breath, he changed the conversation entirely. And angrily. “How the hell did we get on my father? You’re the one who said his parents were assholes.”
I laughed. I hadn’t called them that exactly, but he wasn’t far off. “We hadthe talkagain.”
He choked on his water. “Sex? Really? Thought you’d have that all figured out by now.”
“Not at all. Care to show me?” Half joking and half serious, I kept my eyes trained on his. Of course, rather than taking me seriously, which was a blessing in disguise, he laughed and tossed his sweaty shirt at my face.
“Asshole,” he cursed, still laughing. After he had refilled his water bottle, he sat back on the bench. “Seriously, what happened?”
As much as I didn’t want to talk about this, I knew I needed to get it off my chest. But I didn’t trust myself to open up to Jude. With him, I was always afraid too much would come out. And then I wouldn’t be able to scoop the words back up, pretend like they’d never existed in the first place. “My father, that’s what happened.” I huffed as I sat next to him, swiping his water bottle from his hand. “He’s still on me to join the army as soon as I graduate.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted to do, though?” Jude asked, and I understood why he sounded confused. It was all I ever said I was going to do as soon as I graduated high school. Then I met Jude and everything changed.
And even though so much in my life had shifted, so much had stayed the same.
It had to.
I couldn’t tell anyone I’d changed my mind and that I wanted to stay in Galveston and attend the local state school so I could be close to Jude in the hopes that one day he’d see me in the same light I saw him.
That would cause some serious waves.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged, searching for the right words. “I’m not sold on it anymore.”
“And he doesn’t want to hear it.” There was no question there. Even though Jude had only met my parents a few times, he knew enough of them through what I’d shared. Dad was a hardcore military vet through and through. His number one dream in life was to have his only son join the army and follow in his footsteps.
Never mind if that wasn’t his son’s dream.
That wasn’t important enough to be an issue.
“Fuck no,” I blurted. “He won’t even let me say anything about it. Filled out the paperwork for me and told me all I had to do was sign on the dotted line.” Sinking my head low, I grabbed my hair, pulling on the ends in frustration and anger. “It’s so unfair.”
