Standing at the doorway to the kitchen, I take one last glance over my shoulder and catch Mom and Maddy smiling warmly at each other. Maddy’s hand drifts over her belly and I know they’re gushing over the baby. I leave them on their own, catching the faint echo of a laugh as I make my way to help Joe and Katie make Mom’s very last Christmas dinner.
Tapping lightly on the bathroom door, I push it open slightly. I catch a glimpse of Reid sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, holding his head down low in his hands. His tie is dangling through the loose grip of his fingers. I stand in front of him and run my hands down his slumped back, over the fabric of his freshly-pressed black suit.
He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t look at me either. Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me close to him. He presses his lips to my belly and says, “I love you.” He’s talking to the baby. When he pulls back from me slightly, he looks up at me and I can see the tear-stained streaks that run down his face. “I love you, too. I love you so much. I…I can’t do this. I don’t know how to.”
I run my fingers through his silky hair in a pointless attempt to calm him down. Calm is the last thing you’re feeling when you’re trying to get ready for your mom’s funeral.
Sadly, I know this from personal experience.
Becca died in her sleep Christmas night. I can’t help but think that she was finally able to find her peace now that she and Reid had made their own.
He holds his tie out to me with trembling hands. “Can you help me with this? I can’t get my fingers to work.” My heart breaks at the uneven tremble of his usually steady and confident voice.
“Of course, baby.” I take the tie from him and slip it over my neck. Memories of my father teaching me how to tie a tie wash over me. It was on one of our Saturday Father-Daughter days that he taught me. I usually swallow down the memories of him and my mom, but rather than push this one away, I share it.
“I remember as a little girl, I was awestruck that my dad knew how to tie one of these. Watching him get ready for work every morning was always fun. He’d let me pick out what color shirt he would wear some days – though my choice was usually limited to a varying shade of blue. But watching him twist and turn his tie into a perfect knot always mesmerized me. My dad always told me that every woman should know how to tie a tie.” I recall as I cross the pieces of the tie back and forth over one another. “He said that every man is more than capable of looking like an idiot on his own. Why add the extra stress of having to tie one of these things around your neck to perfect the look.” Finishing up the last knot, I loosen it and slip it off of my neck and onto Reid’s. Adjusting it one last time, I press the tie flatly to his chest and finish my story. “The only problem was that he only knew how to tie it on his own neck. So that’s how I learned.” The necklace that Reid gave me for Christmas must have come un-tucked from my top as I was tying the tie because as I lean forward to kiss his cheek it chimes against his chest.
He pulls the charms between his fingers and brings them up to his lips. A fresh tear rolls down his cheek. “I just wish I’d had more time with her. I wish she would have been here to meet the baby.” He’s holding the “B” charm in his hand and I decide that now is the time to share something I’ve been thinking about since I first met his mother just a few short days ago.
Tenderly holding his face in my hands, I say, “I’d rather not have to get a new charm when the baby is born. I’ve kind of grown attached to this one, so I was thinking of ‘B’ names. If we have a girl, I’d like to name her Becca Joy after your mom and mine. I know that isn’t her real name, but it’s what Joe called her, and she was more alive with him than she ever was with your father, at least that’s what I can tell from what you’ve shared with me. Joe and Katie brought her happiness when she thought she didn’t deserve it, so I…I don’t know…I just thought it might be nice. You can tell me I’m crazy. It’s okay; I’ll understand.”
He doesn’t say anything right away, and instantly I worry that I’ve crossed the line. But when he buries his head into my neck and softly presses his lips to my skin, I know he can’t be mad. “I think that sounds like the perfect name. But what if it’s a boy? Do you have a ‘B’ name all lined up for that one too?” I can tell he’s teasing when that dopey grin crosses face.
The fact that he can be a little light and playful with me when we’re facing the daunting task of saying goodbye to his mom, brightens my heart and makes me love him even more than I already do.
With hands on hips to emphasize my playful attitude, I retort, “Why, yes I do, smartass!” He laughs at me and it feels good to let some of the tension go.
With a more serious tone, I offer him my boy name suggestion. “My dad’s name was Braden. So I was thinking that Braden Shane would be a pretty damn near perfect name for our son.”
Holding me close to his chest once again, his kisses the top of my head lightly. “Those sound like the two most beautiful names I’ve ever heard.” He’s still crying as he’s holding me and I can feel his body shaking. As his emotions settle, I hear him sigh and catch his breath.
We hold onto each other for a few minutes longer, until Katie knocks on the door to let us know that it’s time to leave.
As we walk down the stairs, fingers laced together at our side, I register the surprise on his face as he sees not only Momma and Mel, who we were already expecting, there waiting for us, but Jack, Cammie, Lia and Logan have also make the trip to be here for Reid.
He looks at me all confused and adorable. Before he even asks it, I answer his question. “Of course I called them. They’re our friends and they’ve been the only family you’ve known until recently.” Katie wraps her arm around his waist from his other side and he looks down at her with the love and appreciation I’m sure every brother feels for his sister.
He squeezes my hand. “Thank you, Maddy. I wouldn’t be able to get through today without you.”
Jack approaches us first, with Cammie holding onto his hand tightly. There are tears in her eyes. Jack extends his hand to Reid and they do that ridiculous handshake – half hug combo that men do when they want to be there for each other, but they don’t want to seem like less of a man for hugging their friend.
Cammie wraps her arms around Reid telling him how sorry she is. Lia and Logan follow behind them as do Momma and Mel, and before we know it, we’re all piling into our cars to say our final goodbyes to Reid’s mom.
The evening has been a swirling mess of emotions. Meeting so many of Joe and Mom’s friends has helped me understand just how much changed in her life after she left my father. I’ve had the chance to reminisce with Joe and Katie and it’s really helped me find some peace despite the pain I’m feeling. When Joe tells me of the day he and Mom were married, he points out some pictures on the collage propped up in the front of the room. Mom looks happier in those pictures than I remember her looking in her wedding pictures to my father. And through everything, Maddy hasn’t left my side once. It feels lighter, easier almost, to remember her when I’m surrounded by family.
When it comes time to say our last goodbyes, a fresh wave of sadness passes over me. As Maddy and I kneel before her coffin, I pull my wallet out of my back pocket and tuck the sonogram picture of our baby into the tufted silk lining. Maddy holds my hand as we say one last goodbye. “Goodbye, Mom. I love you,” I whisper to her, and even though I know she can’t hear me, somehow, I hope that before she died, she knew in her heart that I loved her all those years we were apart.
Standing by, as Joe and Katie kneel together before her coffin, breaks my heart. They’re holding onto each other for dear life. Their new reality is just that – they are each other’s life now. Other than Joe’s brother, Evan, who is here today, they have no family.
As the last of the very small crowd clears, it dawns on me that my father didn’t show up. I guess I expected that much and I can’t say I’m disappointed. He didn’t respect Mom while she was alive, so what right does he have to try and pay her respect in her death?
Just as we’re about to leave, one last visitor enters the room. He looks vaguely familiar. About my height and build, he’s nothing out of the ordinary. I stand to greet him as Katie, Joe and Evan are sitting on the other side of the small room lost in reminiscing.
As I walk towards him, he looks up at me and recognition dawns. Extending my hand to him, I say, “Hi. Dylan Hopkins, right?” He shakes my hand in return and smiles at me.
“Yeah, man. Wow, it’s been forever. I haven’t seen you in what, like four years. Are you still playing ball? I know you always dreamed of playing in college.” He’s right. My lifelong dream was playing Division I baseball for a top school. I was even scouted by a few, but after Shane died, I lost all desire to play. There was no point in having fun when your brother was dead. We move to the side and sit in two chairs that are right in front of one of the many picture boards that line the room.
“Nah. Things changed after Shane died. How about you? You played for a year didn’t you? Down in Florida right?” Dylan was the all-star short stop of our high school team, and there isn’t a memory of playing ball with Shane that doesn’t include Dylan as well. He was our third wheel. I remember being so devastated that Dylan and I lost contact after Shane died. Other than me, Dylan was the only other person who really knew Shane. In the blink of an eye, they were both gone from my life, and I was truly alone. No brother. No best friend. No family.
