I can’t help the burst of laughter at her attempt to lighten the mood. Only Maddy can talk about throwing up in the hopes of keeping the mood on the upswing.
We exchange a smile and break our embrace. She starts to walk away, and I swat her tight ass when she gets a step in front of me. She turns around with a shocked look on her face.
“What? I missed your sweet ass. Now go sit it down so that I can make you your toast.” My playful smirk and flirty gesture are my ways to try and lighten the mood and just like that, we’re back to how things were before. Light and happy, hopeful and loving.
I know that we still have more to work out, more to talk about, but knowing that she trusts that I love her, really and truly love her, despite my past, is a huge hurdle for me.
We spend the rest of the morning lounging in Maddy’s room, watching television and just talking. Feeling safe in the confines of the only room she’s ever known, and perhaps comforted by the feel of my arms around her, she opens up a little bit more about her past and I about mine. The conversation flows easily for the most part and it’s not as difficult for either of us to share as I thought it would be. Lying side by side in the bed, our legs are tangled together and I’m gently brushing my fingers through her long, blond waves.
The calm and peaceful atmosphere shifts slightly as Maddy clears her throat. “So what are we going to do about us?” Maddy asks, her voice thick with emotion.
I’m taken back by her question, to say the least. I pull back from our embrace slightly so that I can look at her. “What do you mean? I thought you wanted to be back together?”
She rolls her eyes and my heart lifts. “Of course I do.” She presses her lips to mine and laughs at me. “There is no one else I want to be with. Ever. I mean, what are we going to do about us in terms of where we live and all that.” I can hear the panic rising in her words, so I try to calm her fears before she even continues with what I’m sure is a laundry list of concerns.
“Calm down, Maddy. It’s simple. I’ll figure things out with the internship. I’ll see if there is a school district here in Elmira where they can place me. And if not, well, if not, then we’ll just take it one step at a time and figure it out. But I promise you this,” I pause to kiss the tip of her nose, “we won’t be apart for very long at all. I’ll have to go back to Ithaca this week though.”
She looks up at me and I know what she’s thinking about. “Don’t worry, babe. I’ll come back on Friday for the appointment. I wouldn’t miss that for the world. I have to get the truck back to Jack, and figure out everything with insurance so I can get a replacement car. I’ll get that all done before Friday and I’ll pick you up from work. We’ll go there together.” She smiles up at me – huge and bright.
“You mean you would do all of that for me? I mean relocate and start all over, just for me?” God, she’s so fucking sweet.
I tip her chin up so that I can look her directly in the eyes. “I will do whatever I can to make sure that we’re never separated ever again. Got it?” I slant my mouth over hers and part her lips with my tongue. She reaches up and tangles her fingers in my messy hair. The kiss is passionate and sweet at the same time. It’s a confirmation that we will make it; a promise that we will stand by each other.
I break this kiss to ask something that has been on my mind all day, “Do you think it would be a problem if I stayed here for Christmas with you guys?” I’ve spent the last four Christmases alone in that crappy frat house while all of the guys went home. I’ll never admit it to anyone, but those were some of the most depressing days of my life. No gifts to open, none to give.
“Oh my God, I completely forgot Christmas is next week! With everything going on, it really did slip my mind.” Maddy gets momentarily lost in making a mental list of what she needs to get done. I know her so well already and I chuckle lightly at the intricacies of her personality.
“So, do you think it will be okay?” I remind her that I did actually ask a question.
“Oh God, of course it’ll be alright. It’ll be perfect, actually.” She kisses me sweetly, sealing the deal for our upcoming first Christmas together.
We lay in comfortable silence for a bit longer, but something is lingering – some nervousness is starting to pull Maddy away from the calm we had earlier.
“What’s the matter, baby?” I have to leave in a few hours and I want to get everything, or as much as we can, out into the open before I leave for the week.
Her eyes show her fear and uncertainty, but she finds the strength to carry on and ask her question. “The other night, you said that you went home, is that true? Did you really go back there?” I can tell that she’s afraid to broach this topic. The volume and tone of her words are soft, barely above a whisper as if she’s afraid to even say them aloud.
We’re lying side by side, facing one another. I take a deep breath and try to clear my head. I want to tell her everything, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little scared that she’s going to be disappointed in my decisions.
Looking deeply into her emerald green eyes, I finally start talking. “I did go home.” I don’t mean for my voice to sound harsh, for my body to tense.
I register the shock in her eyes, but I push past her surprise and my anger. “I met up with Katie and she somehow talked me into going home with her.” I laugh and roll my eyes thinking back to meeting Katie the first time. “You’d like her. Katie, I mean. She reminds me a lot of you, actually.” I kiss the tip of her nose in a sweet gesture of affection.
Maddy just smiles warmly at me, but she doesn’t say anything. I’m pretty sure that she just wants to give me room to speak, so I take her up on it.
“I saw my mom. She looks horrible – sick, pale, weak. She said she’s sorry and that she wishes she could go back in time to do everything over again. I learned a lot about what an ass my dad really was. They’re divorced now and she’s remarried. That’s how Katie got in touch with me. Our parents are married.” I have to chuckle at the craziness of the story. If it wasn’t my life, I wouldn’t believe things like this could actually happen.
I shift my weight and bend my elbow so that I can prop my head up on my hand as my thoughts drift back to my real dad. “My dad was a real dick, and apparently, he verbally abused my mom for years, when he was around that is. Mom actually wanted to run away with Shane and me, but he killed himself before she had the chance. I have no clue where my dad is and I can honestly say I just don’t care.” She takes this moment, as I catch my breath, to trace her fingertips over my bicep and shoulder.
“That must have been really difficult to hear, baby. I’m so sorry about everything.” Her face is a contorted mess of emotions. I know she wants more information, but she’s reluctant to push. Her reluctance makes me feel comfortable, though. It reassures me that she really is sorry. I won’t hide my emotions, though.
I shift again, unable to find a comfortable position. I lie fully on my back and fold my hands under my head. Maddy curls into my side. The feel of her body next to mine gives me both comfort and strength. I stare up at the ceiling and take a deep breath. “Yeah, it was fucking unreal. I mean after all of these years, to hear the things I wish I could have heard back then, but there’s no sense in dwelling on them, right? It’s done.” It’s the truth. There is no point in trying to sugar coat it. For the first time in my life, I can accept the reality of my past.
Needing some kind of contact with her, I pull one arm out from under my head and use it to pull Maddy closer to me; she places her cheek on my bare chest. Without looking up at me, she asks, “So how did you leave things with her?”
I know she’s not going to be happy with my decision to leave, or withhowI left, but I can’t change it at this point. Honestly, there’s no place I’d rather be than right here.
“Up in the air, I guess. I mean, I told her that I believed her that she wanted to leave with us. I think I understand the effect my father had on her, but I just don’t quite know how to move past it – or if I even want to.”
