My heart tightens and I soften to him. I did break his heart, after all. Pulling my arm from his hand, I say, “Sure, Jay. That would be nice.” His face shines with happiness and his full smile reveals his perfectly white, straight teeth. He is really beautiful and it would be easier to hate him if he wasn’t such a nice guy and if we didn’t share a history.
He’s practically bouncing with excitement. “Great! Are you free tomorrow night?” Sadly, I am. Seeing Jay makes me miss Reid even more, if that’s possible.
I quickly think through what will be the easiest plan for us to get together without it being any kind of official date. “I have work until six and Mel will have my car all day again. You could pick me up and we could grab some dinner. Would that work?” I want to keep it casual, and going out straight from work will keep it feeling less like the date I know he hopes it will be.
“That’s perfect, Maddy. I’ll see you then.” He leans in and gives me a quick hug. I hug him back because despite the current storm of emotions I’m feeling, I don’t hate him; he’s just not Reid.
The rest of my life is a chaotic whirlwind of craziness. Seeing Jay totally throws me off balance and, even though I don’t really want to see him for fear of misleading him, it’s just easier to go along with it.
I break the hug and walk towards the door. I don’t want to look back at him, but when I do, I catch him checking me out. Our eyes lock once again, and in that moment, I know that tomorrow night will be anything but a casual reunion for him.
The house is nothing special – a simple Cape Cod styled home, sided in light green cedar-shake. The trim around the windows is a warm cream color instead of the expected harsh and bright white. There are a few small evergreen bushes in the front garden, but I imagine that brightly colored flowers bloom there in the spring as well. Simple though it may be, it’s notjusta house. This is ahome.Even sitting out in the driveway, I can feel the warmth and love exuding from the place. I feel a slight pang of jealousy as I realize that my house, the one I grew up in with my parents, never had this feeling.
Katie grabs her bag and bounces out of the truck. I sit for a moment longer and try, but fail, to gain some sense of composure. Exiting the car, I hope for the best. That’s all I can really do at this point.
Mr. Donovan opens the front door and steps out onto the porch. For a man in his early fifties, he’s still in good shape. Lean and trim, he’s about as tall as me at about six feet. His face is weathered and tired looking. When he catches sight of his daughter, his warm brown eyes, that just moments ago looked pained and exhausted, beam with pride and love. His gigantic smile forces his eyes to crinkle in the corners, making the few wrinkles he has a bit more prominent. Katie nearly sprints into her father’s arms and they share a warm, seemingly overdue, embrace. I stand back, at the bottom of the three stairs that lead up to the door, giving them their space to reunite. Katie reaches down, grabs her father’s hand and looks up at him reassuringly. I think she says something to him, but I can’t make it out. She smiles at him and he winks back at her. It’s an obvious routine between the two of them. Their bond is palpable and suddenly I feel like I’m invading their world. Sadly, that’s not all that far from the truth.
I try to avert eye contact; I can’t believe my own nervousness. I kick some rocks around under my feet, but when Katie comes to stand next to me, pulling her father by the hand behind her, I lift my eyes to hers and some of the anxiety dissipates.
The silence is awkward as all three of us just stand there not saying a word; no one knows what to say, exactly. Katie breaks it. “Reid, I’d like you to meet my father, Joe. And Daddy,” she says as she looks over at Joe, “this is Rebecca’s son, Reid.” It’s been so long since I’ve even heard her name that it sounds foreign and unfamiliar in my ears.
I extend my hand in front of me to shake Joe’s and he just stares blankly at me. In that momentary blank stare, I feel as insecure as some weak teenager. What a fucking prick. I swallow my pride to come make peace with Mom and he can’t even shake my hand. Fuck that!
Just as I’m about to go off on him, he looks down at my hand and shakes his head from side to side and then swipes his hand over his face and up through his short cropped, dark brown hair.
I feel frozen in this moment. My feet are glued to the floor and my mouth is stuck, unable to form any kind of coherent words.
When he meets my eyes again, they are shining with unshed tears. He reaches for my hand and pulls me into a tight embrace. Mumbling into the limited space in between us, he says, “It’s so good to finally meet you, Reid.” He breaks his embrace and takes a step back. I realize that in the two minutes that I’ve known Joe Donovan, he’s shown me more emotion than my father did in the seventeen years that I lived with him.
Okay, fine. I take it back. He’s not a prick.
When my brain starts to function again, I say, “And it’s nice to meet you, Mr. Donovan. Thank you for allowing me to drive Katie home. It was nice to spend some time with her. And thank you for welcoming me into your home.” My words are overly polite; I know I don’t sound like myself. I’m trying to over compensate for just mentally cursing him out. The sugary sweet tone of words is nearly comical. Even Katie is looking at me like she doesn’t even recognize the person standing next to her.
A small chuckle escapes his mouth. “It’s Joe. Please call me Joe. And it’s notmyhome. This isourhome. That includes you too, Reid.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and squeezes tightly. I feel like I’ve entered some kind of alternate universe. I’m overwhelmed by the need to pinch myself to see if what’s going on is really happening.
We walk up the steps of the porch and into the entry way of the house to escape the cold December air. Before he opens the door, he turns to look at me. “I mean that, Reid. I know it’s been too long since you’ve been a part of your mom’s life, but in her heart, this has always been where you belong. She’s just been too afraid to go to you.” Joe’s voice is laced with sadness.
I’m still kind of speechless. I don’t know what to say, so naturally, I stumble over my words and sound like an ass doing so. “Um…well…thanks.” It’s lame, but it’s all I’ve got.
Stepping inside, the warmth, not only in temperature, but in emotion, bathes over me. It really is a home. The small living room is directly to the side of the narrow entryway, and even though it’s small, it’s cozy and not in any way cramped. It’s colored in varying shades of blue, and instead of being over-done, the room is calming and peaceful. There’s a recliner and a small loveseat facing a modest television. The side and end tables are covered in family pictures.
My stomach drops and my eyes mist over when I catch sight of the mantle. I walk slowly over to it and with trembling hands, I reach out for the framed picture before me. It’s of me and Shane, dressed in our little league uniforms. I think he was fourteen and I was twelve. We’re smiling and laughing, arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders in a brotherly embrace. He looks happy and me, well it’s simple – I am in awe of my older brother, my hero.
Replacing that picture, I look at the others, which are all perfectly placed in an almost shrine-like fashion. They are all of me and Shane. I realize that even though we may have been absent from mom’s life physically, we’ve been in her heart every single day.
It does little to moderate the anger I feel at her for everything, though. If she loves us this much, to see us in her life every day, why hasn’t she done anything about it?
Joe steps behind me and claps a hand on my shoulder. “She loves you. You have to know that. And she loved Shane too. She messed up and she knows it, but she never knew how to make it right. She’s asleep right now. Why don’t we sit down and get to know each other a little?”
He moves to the side and allows me to walk past him. He takes a seat in the recliner. It’s obviously his spot. I settle into the pale blue love seat and try to take everything in. Katie sits next to me and scans the room. When her gaze falls on an empty corner, her brows knit together in confusion.
“Where’s the Christmas tree, Dad?” There’s excitement in her voice.
Joe turns to his side while still sitting in the chair in order to get a better look at the corner where the tree is apparently supposed to go. “Oh, well, with all of Rebecca’s appointments and trying to pick up a few overtime shifts, I haven’t had a chance to get one.” I can see the stress and worry in his eyes. From what I can tell, things have been more difficult around here than he’s letting on with Katie.
“We can go get one this weekend if you want though, sweetie. It’ll be fun. We’ll watchIt’s a Wonderful Lifeand decorate just like we do every year.” Joe’s offer brings a smile to Katie’s face and I can tell that it has always been his mission in life to make his daughter happy.
“Deal. Okay you two. I’m going to go grab a few things from the truck and head up to my room. I’ll let you guys chat for a bit.” She walks past her father and leans down to kiss him on the cheek. When she’s behind him, she looks at me and holds her hand up by her face and mouths the words, “talk to him” while opening and closing her hand mimicking the motion of a duck beak. I can’t help but laugh at her antics. She’s pretty damn funny.
