“Yeah, it’s fucked up, but in some weird, twisted ass way, I know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. It hasn’t been easy, though; don’t get me wrong. After my mom killed herself, my dad wanted a fresh start and that’s when he moved us to Denning. I was only fourteen at the time. I think he met your mom the following year at some Survivors of Suicide support group.”
My shock is immediate. “She went to a support group? When? I never saw her go. She never mentioned anything.” I would have gone with her. We could have healed together.
“I don’t know all of the details, Reid, but I think she started going after you left and after she divorced your father.”
It’s my turn to gaze out the window now as I contemplate my past. I can’t help but wonder how differently things could have been if we had just been brave enough to open up with each other.
We sit in silence for another fifteen minutes, and before I even realize it, I’ve reached the town limits for Denning.
Katie gives me the last few directions to her house – a house that she has shared with my mom for the last few years, a house of which I’ve never been a part. Suddenly I’m nervous - full-on, hands trembling, stomach clenching, tongue swollen, nervousness. The clock in the dashboard flashes that it’s three in the afternoon. We got a later start than we originally planned, but now I’m idling in the driveway trying to waste time.
The curtains shift and I see who I can only assume is Katie’s dad, move towards the door. She grasps my hand and squeezes gently. “Come on, Reid. It’s time to go home.”
It’s time indeed. It’s been four years since I’ve seen my mother. In mere minutes, I’ll be reunited with the woman who brought me into this world and suddenly, well suddenly, I have no freaking clue what to say to her.
I did not sleep well. A combination of nerves over starting work today and sadness over Reid leaving me had me tossing and turning all night. Not to mention, I had to get up to pee like five times. Google tells me that the frequent nighttime bathroom stops are a common occurrence in early pregnancy and that there’s really nothing I can do about it. I wonder if Google has a cure for a broken heart.
I don’t have to be at work until 11 a.m. which is perfect for the slow ass pace at which I’m moving this morning. I’m going to need every minute of the next three hours to get ready. Plus, I need to make a quick stop before work to get a new cell phone. I lost mine in the accident and I feel extremely disconnected without it.
After one last search for a nearby cell phone store, I push my laptop off of my crossed legs and get up from the bed. I must have moved too quickly, because suddenly I feel lightheaded and queasy. When Mel walks through the door with a plate of scrambled eggs, I sprint past her to the bathroom. I guess that would be the morning sickness.
Mel sits next to me on the floor and rubs calming circles on my back. After emptying the contents of my stomach, I wipe the sweat from my brow and lift my head. I’m a little less dizzy and the nausea has passed, but the smell of the eggs still hangs in the air. Mel gets me a cool rag and places it on the back of my neck.
“So I guess no eggs then, huh?” Her eyes are concerned and I feel bad at vomiting all over her kind gesture.
“I’m sorry, Mel. Thanks though. I guess the morning sickness is setting in.” I stand on uneasy legs and make my way down to the kitchen in search of something that is not eggs.
I grab some bread out of the fridge and pop it into the toaster. Mel busies herself at the counter preparing us some coffee. When she hands me my mug, she looks apologetic. “Damn, I forgot. You can’t have coffee. I’m sorry, Maddy. This is just going to take some getting used to.”
Laughing a little at her, I say, “Will you cut it out? I can still have a cup of coffee once a day. At least that’s what this one pregnancy website said. It also said that morning sickness happens around eight weeks. I’m going to call the doctor today and see if I can get in next week. I think I’ll pass on the coffee though until I get the okay from the doctor.” She nods at me with understanding and we eat our breakfast in companionable silence.
Of course my mind drifts back to Reid as I think about how much I actually dread having to call the doctor. Well, it’s not so much the call that I’m dreading, as much as the idea that I’ll more than likely have to go to my first appointment without Reid. It’s not as if I’ve spent my whole life envisioning what things would be like when I had a baby. I honestly never thought I would have a family of my own. I never wanted to let anyone in until Reid, and now that I love him, I don’t know how to give him up. I can’t let him walk out of my life for good.
Mel interrupts my faraway thoughts and asks, “Hey, do you mind if I use your car today while you’re at work? I have some Christmas shopping that I want to get done and some errands to run.” She’s rinsing the dishes that she dirtied when she made me the breakfast I couldn’t stomach.
“Sure thing, Mel.” I look up at the clock and realize that I need to get my ass in gear if I don’t want to be late for my first day. “I’m going to shower then we can leave. I want to stop at the Verizon store on the way there so I can get a new phone.”
“Great. I’ll be ready in fifteen.” She clears our dishes and loads them into the dishwasher, and as I take one backward glance before I leave the room, I can’t help but notice the sadness that’s in her eyes. I lean against the door jamb and she catches me staring.
“Is something wrong, Mel? You seem a little sad this morning.” I ask timidly.
She swats her hand in front of her, dismissing my question. “It’s nothing. I don’t want to worry you with it. You’ve already got too much…” I cut her off immediately. I walk back towards her and hold her shoulders in my hands.
Staring her down, I say completely serious, “Don’t you think for one single minute that just because I’m dealing with crap in my life that I don’t have time for you. What’s going on? Is it Bryan?” At the mention of his name, she stiffens and I can see tears form in her eyes.
I pull her down to sit in the chair next to me and she lowers her head to the table, burying it in her folded arms. It takes her a few moments to begin speaking and I realize it’s because she’s trying to stifle the sobs that are creeping up on her. I reach out and grab her hand and I can’t help but feel so unbelievably guilty that Mel has obviously been dealing with some serious stuff while I’ve been off in my own little world.
“Come on, Mel. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m here for you.” I try my best to coax her into speaking but she’s still lost to her tears. It takes her a few minutes, but she finally regains her composure and speaks.
“You’re right; it’s Bryan. Things were so amazing before we left for break. I… I told him I loved him and he looked at me like I sprouted an extra head or something. I really thought he felt the same way.” After she throws her hands up in exasperation, she gets up to pull a paper towel off of the roll.
I’m surprised at his reaction too. I really thought he loved her. “But, you just said last night that you were going to fly out to South Carolina to go visit him. I don’t get it.” I can tell that she’s holding something back.
“Well that was my plan, but when I spoke to him last night, he said he needs time. I don’t know what the hell he needs time for, but that’s what he says he needs.” My heart breaks for her. I know that Bryan is her first real relationship. Unless you count holding hands with Mike Doxter in eighth grade, which she doesn’t, Bryan is Melanie’s first real boyfriend and her first real love.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but, well, look at me. I’m no model for perfect relationships.” She laughs at my self-deprecation. Wiping the tears from her eyes, her lips curl into a small smile.
“Yeah, but it feels good to get it off my chest. You know what I think it is? I get the feeling that there’s some girl waiting for him at home. I want to believe that he loves me. I feel like he does, but he’s always holding back and I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s in love with someone else.” Mel slumps into her chair. Her eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying. I hate seeing her like this. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt.
