I wonder if my mom thought about how it would affect me, if she even wondered where I was or what my life was like.
“You don’t remember me, do you?” Her question interrupts my pointless musings.
My brow furrows and I take a closer look at her. I got nothing. “Am I supposed to know you?”
She laughs – a silly little laugh. “No. I guess not. You were the hunky senior baseball star and I was just some bookworm freshman, but we did go to school together for a year.”
“I’m sorry but I was really out of things during my senior year. I don’t remember much from that time.” I return to playing with my coffee cup.
“That was right after Shane died, right?” Her voice is quiet and unsure.
My anger boils over, not at her, but at this whole fucked up situation. The floodgates open and pure hatred colors my words. “Yeah, and did mommy dearest tell you what life was like for me after that? Did she tell you how they kicked him out and disowned him and how that made him slit his wrists? Did she tell you that I was the one who found him in a pool of his own blood? That I was ready to leave with him and get the fuck out of that small town so that he could be… well so that he could just be him and not be hated for it?” I can’t imagine what my face looks like. My heart is in my throat and I have to swallow past it to keep the tears at bay.
Katie reaches across the table and squeezes my hand – a gesture of comfort and sympathy, not pity though.
“She did actually. It’s not my place to apologize for her. She’d actually kill me if she knew I was here.” She pulls her hand back and takes another sip of her drink.
“You mean she didn’t want you to come here? I’m confused then. What the hell is the point of this all then?” I don’t know whether to be hurt or reassured that she didn’t want to speak to me.
Katie sees me trying to figure out how I feel about that last tidbit. She reaches for my hand again and shakes her head. “No, Reid. Don’t think for a minute that she doesn’t want to see you. She does. Please believe me. It’s just that she feels so guilty over everything that happened that she doesn’t feel like she deserves a second chance with you. She’s trying to make her peace with the fact that she’s lost you. When I overheard her and my dad talking about you, I heard the pain in her voice and I took it upon myself to get in touch with you.”
I guess the similarities between her and Maddy go even further than I thought. I’m a complete mess of emotions, and now, thinking about Maddy, and how much I need her right now, I’m just too far gone to really say much of anything.
Part of me wants to see what my mom has to say for herself. The other part of me doesn’t want to give a fuck, but I do. All of a sudden, I realize that I do care, not just because of Maddy, but because I really do want to put it all behind me. I want to heal. I want to be the best damn version of myself that I possibly can – for me, for Maddy, for my baby.
I glance over at Katie and she seems lost in thought. It’s time for me to ask the question that I’m most afraid to ask. In this moment, I realize that Maddy was right. I can’t ignore the fact that my mother is dying. Seeing Katie and hearing about mom all over again has opened up old, scabbed over wounds that need to be healed.
“So, you say she’s dying? I’m assuming that wasn’t some lame ploy just to get me to meet you?” I chuckle a small laugh to try and disguise my discomfort.
She shuffles nervously in her chair, and for a second, I think maybe she did lie to me. That would be a good thing right?
“I wish I was lying, Reid. I really do, but I’m not. She’s been sick for a while. It’s AML, a type of Leukemia. She’s been to all of the specialists and been on chemo for months now, but she’s running out of options. She’s getting worse, so that’s why I called you. I thought you should know what was going on in case…” Her words fade off into the uncomfortable silence. I see a tear trickle down her cheek and she tries to swipe it away without me noticing it.
She’s really dying. Reality sets in - thick, heavy, black and dense. I’m not saying that I instantly forgive her for everything, or that I’ll ever be able to forgive her, but so much has changed in the last few years, maybe, just maybe, she’s changed too.
“So where do we go from here, Katie?” I look at her inquisitively as if she’s got all the answers.
She swallows past the lump of emotion that’s just newly formed and her words are choked and almost strangled. “I’m not sure, Reid. I guess that’s up to you. I just took my last final today and my dad is coming to pick me up tomorrow.” She pauses for a few moments to think something over. Her uncertainty is written on her face, but she asks anyway. “Do you…no forget it. Never mind.”
I know what she wants to ask me and, call me crazy, but yes, I do want to go home with her.
“Yes.” I reach for her hand this time and shake my head in disbelief. Her blank stare indicates her shock so I start talking again, just to reassure her. “What I mean is, if you were just going to ask me to go home with you, to clear the air with my mom, then yes, I’ll do that.”
Her face lights up like a Christmas tree and I can see the pressure and ugliness that’s been looming over our conversation visibly lift from her shoulders. “You will? Really? Reid, that’s fantastic. I …I don’t know what to say.”
Shaking my head again, I say “Me either, Katie, me either. I never in a million years thought I would be here.”
“Me too, Reid. I just know your mom is going to be so happy to see you again.” Her megawatt smile disarms me. Katie’s genuinely trying to make things better for me and my family – what’s left of it anyway. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks, she’s my step-sister. I have a step-sister and a step-father; my father is out of the picture; my mother is dying and the love of my life, who is pregnant with my child, won’t even speak to me. The entire landscape of my family changed over the course of this conversation.
I can’t believe what I’m about to offer, but something about it just feels right. I’ve been listening to my head for so damn long, maybe it’s about time to listen to my heart. “Would it be alright with you and your dad if I drove you home tomorrow? It’ll save him the trip and we could catch up some more.”
She stares at me all wide-eyed and disbelieving. The shock in her face suggests that a unicorn just passed behind me or something.
“Uh, yeah. That would be great actually. Things have been really tight money wise since your mom’s been sick. Dad has had to take a lot of time off from work already, so you driving me back would actually be a huge help.”
Well now I feel like a real shit. “Wow, I had no idea. I’m… I’m sorry, but obviously I didn’t know.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know, Reid, but I’m glad that you’re finally willing to give it a try.” She checks her watch and starts to gather her stuff. “I’d better get going. I have my roommate’s car, and if I don’t get back soon, she’ll start to get worried, plus we’re having a little going away party tonight.”
