I run my tongue around my mouth. It’s gone as dry as the Sahara and I would know, I camped out there for three nights. Side note, sand inside a tent is a son of a bitch. I shake my head and tell myself to stop putting this off. Deep breath in, Lola. Hard things.
“I had this big party for my eighteenth birthday out on Surfer’s Bay. Practically the whole school was there and then some. We lit a bonfire on the beach even though we weren’t supposed to and for once my brother and Roman didn’t rat us out.”
I draw the paintbrush along the wall, careful not to hit the skirting board. Ironic, really, given that careful isn’t usually my style. Or it never used to be. “It was my night,” I say. “I danced a lot, laughed a lot, and drank a little too much. But who doesn’t on their eighteenth, right?” I shrug.
Skyler listens quietly, no trace of judgment on her face.
My heart starts beating harder, punching at my ribs. “Plus, I needed the liquid courage. Teenage, lovesick me, had decided that was the night I was going to tell Roman how I felt about him.” I stop speaking, too caught up in reliving what happened next.
Skyler dips her brush into the paint can and swirls it around. “I take it that didn’t go so well?”
My smile is sad. “It went great. I mean, I didn’t actually tell him I was in love with him. I just sat down next to him on the logbeside the surf hut. I stole his beer, took a sip, and laid my head on his shoulder.”
We’d watched the waves crashing against the beach. When I shivered Roman draped his jacket over my shoulders. It smelt like him. Like cedar wood and sea salt. My backup business is to sell candles with that very specific scent because if I wasn’t so selfish, I would share it with the world.
I turn the brush over. It needs more paint but I let my wrist rest against my thigh. “I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to. We just kissed.”
God, that was six years ago, and I can still feel the imprint of his lips on mine. Soft but demanding. A steady, dizzying pressure.
Skyler stops painting and very carefully, too carefully, places her brush on the dust sheet. “Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head. “Not in the way you’re thinking. It was just a kiss.” The best goddamn kiss of my life but only a kiss. “I don’t actually remember who kissed who, but it must have been me because a second later he was pushing me away.” I tilt my head back, my chest aching. “God Skyler I’ve never seen someone move so fast.”
He tore apart from me and stood up, putting a good three feet in the sand between us and dragging my young dumb heart along with him.
I’ve tried to patch it back up as best I can, but I think if you took my heart out of my chest right now you’d still see the grazes. Pressure builds under my eyes, but I refuse to shed another tear over Roman Banks.
Skyler draws up her leg and rests her chin on her knee. “He broke your heart.”
The memory is caustic, like that sand is grazing me all over again. “He told me in no uncertain terms that he and I would never happen. Ever.”
Skyler squints. “Why do I feel like there’s more?”
“Because as you’ve probably already realized bad decisions follow me around.”
“I haven’t realized that actually, and I don’t think I will but go on.” She waves a hand for me to continue.
“I was young and drunk and I decided the best way to deal with the pain was to find the hottest guy I could and get more drunk.”
Skyler twists her lips. “That is… relatable. Well, you know, if you replace the guy with a girl.”
“Of course.” I give her a wry smile and try to ignore the sweat pricking above my lip.
Everyone in the whole town knows what happened next. I’ve only ever had to tell this story once and I forgot how fucking hard it was.
“By that point the party was in full swing and we’d attracted some of the rougher crowd. I knew Rob was bad news. If the leather cut and biker tattoos weren’t enough of a warning, the rumors I’d heard at school should have been.” I tilt my head back and study the scratches on the ceiling. We’ll have to paint that next.
“Everything from this point gets a bit blurry but I remember clinging to his back on his motorbike. I remember the barn he took me to. And I remember waking up in the hospital.”
Skyler goes deathly quiet.
I hear myself swallow, my breathing unsteady.
Skyler knocks her knee against mine and it’s just enough to stop me spiraling.
I push down the lingering fear and carry on. “He’d slipped something in my drink. Roman and Mase found me afterwards, but Carson was long gone. After that, the night I kissed Roman became the night I got—” I break off and squeeze my eyes shut. It still feels weird saying the word when I don’t evenremember what he did to me. My chest hitches. “So yeah, as shitty eighteenth birthdays go, I think I’m in the running for top billing.”
Rage flickers in Skyler’s gaze. “What happened to Carson?”
