“That’s right.” Noah smiles. “That’s where my road eventually led to you, even though I didn’t know it yet.” Noah’s face softens for about two seconds before darkness fills his eyes. “You see, everyone told me it wouldn’t work with Becky. Everyone told me I was in way over my head.”
His words sting. The shame his statement provokes makes me look to the floor briefly.
“I tried everything and every way to fit into her world.” He tells me, saddened by the memory. “I put off my family, took online courses, and went to work for her father. I thought it was working. I thought we were okay. I was traveling a lot between work and checking in at school, but I was making something of myself. I was going somewhere, and I knew soon her father had to take notice. Soon, I was going to be good enough.”
“Noah, you should never change yourself for someone else,” I say. “You were always good enough and…”
“But one night,” he cuts me off. “She showed up at my door in tears. Told me she was pregnant.” He laughs sinisterly. Shaking his head a few times, he continues. “I was so happy. The tears she cried did nothing to quiet the joy I was feeling. A baby? God, I know maybe most men aren’t sappy shits about that sort of thing, but honest Eva, I was excited. I saw a future in her that I didn’t have to work for anymore. I saw a child, that was both me and her. An end to the constant struggle to ‘be enough.’”
I’m stunned to silence. I remind myself to breathe as he says, “I proposed.” My heart aches knowing another woman had a chance with him that I may never have. “She said yes, and with a marriage and a baby on the way I left on another work trip and felt higher than I had in a long time.”
Quietly, I manage to ask, “So, then what happened?”
“I came home early,” he hisses. He steps forward. The intensity of his stare makes me nervous. His fierce posture scares me. “Imagine, my whole world, baby and fiancé at home. I couldn’t wait to get back to them. To start the life I had been fighting for.” Violence floods his eyes. “You ever walk in on something so horrifying it rips your heart out, slaps you back in your place, and makes you so sick you’d do anything to kill the pain? Even if that means wanting to end the person right in front of you?”
I shake my head.
“I did. I came home to find Eddie’s car in my driveway. No big deal, I thought, must have brought something over for Becky from her father. Eddie was Mr. Brown’s right-hand man, after all. But no, do you know what he came over for? To fuck my fiancé. To fuck with my life. To end the horrible fight that I was stupid to care about for over seven fucking years.”
My eyes well over with tears. But Noah doesn’t stop. “Do you know how that feels? Do you know what that does to a man? To walk in and see your world, baby and soon-to-be wife, being taken, tainted, ruined by a man you could never amount to be?”
I shake my head furiously, not wanting to hear any more.
“When I was leaving town, I got the call,” he says quietly. “I wasn’t planning on being gone long. I needed to clear my damn head. After all, that was still my child. Or so I thought. That is until Becky told me it was Eddie’s. I hung up that phone and drove for hours. I didn’t know where I was going. Just that I was not staying here. By the time I reached Texas, I knew I couldn’t go back. I called Rex, and he said he had a place for me to stay. I called my momma and Jolene, they said they understood and to take all the time I needed. Jolene promised to not let Becky find out where I went. I changed my number as soon as I found myself in Northern California a few days later.”
“Why are you just now telling me this?” I ask.
Noah shrugs. “I wasn’t trying to keep it hidden. Or maybe I was, damn it, I don’t know. I just…,” he trails off. “Fuck, I just need some time, Eva.”
Shocked, I blink a few times trying to let what he just said sink in. What did I just hear? He needs some time? What kind of time, and for what?
He looks behind me and swallows once before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. When he opens them again, he looks so lost.
“Can you give me that?” he asks.
For a minute, I think about fighting him. For a brief second, I think about screaming, kicking, clawing my way out of this mess.
After everything that’s happened, I don’t know.
Can I?
Time stops as I hold Noah’s stare. I nod once, smile sadly, and turn to leave.
He doesn’t stop me.
I’m halfway down the steps in front of the house before I hear the door open behind me. I keep walking, needing the open space and fresh air to wipe away everything I just heard. Everything I’ve been needing to know, and yet everything I wish I never did.
“Where ya going, blondie?” Rex asks. “Mind if I tag along?”
I swing around quickly. Needing to hurt something, I figure Rex is the perfect target since he knew about this all along and said nothing.
“Where am I going?” I mimic, furiously. I start charging toward him the second his feet hit the gravel. “Where do you think I’m going, Rex? What do you think I can even begin to think after…” my breathing quickens. Suddenly, I find myself gasping for air that can’t come fast enough. My head feels light, my vision blurs. As I reach Rex, I start pounding his chest. The bastard doesn’t stop me. “How could you? How could I? What did he… Who….” I can’t breathe. My world starts spinning. My legs feel weak. My knees start to buckle.
“Woah,” Rex catches me. Swinging me up in his arms, he looks behind him at the house. Quickly, he walks a few steps to the right and places me down steadily next to my car. I lean against it for balance.
“Breathe Eva,” he says sternly, like an older brother. I comply a little at first, and eventually start taking deeper breaths. The deeper the breath, the more I gain strength. Strength that gives way to tears which fall slowly at first and then faster as my deep breathing succumbs to heavy sobs.
Rex pulls me in tight for a hug, and although I want nothing more than to kick his ass for not telling me everything I just had to find out the hard way, I hold on to him.
