“You say that now, but who knows,” she sniffles. “What if I gain weight? Or, what if, I stop putting on makeup every day. What if, when months turn to years and time together turns to marriage … maybe even kids …” I smile as she babbles incoherently. I can’t help myself. Her vulnerability is bringing forth possibilities that I had thought of myself, but never mentioned to her for fear she wouldn’t feel the same way.
She would look so beautiful pregnant.
She slows her rambling, agony consumes her as she whispers, “What if I can’t promise you forever?”
The pain from her last comment sends me into sudden shock. I hadn’t agreed to forever with her, but it was always my intention. She’s it for me. The thought of a lifetime together is a big order to fill, but in the foreseeable future, I can’t imagine experiencing life with anyone but her.
“You can promise me now,” I tell her. “You can promise me you will wake up with those beautiful blue eyes looking at me every morning. You can let me make love to you like tomorrow isn’t promised and forever is no guarantee,” I say, almost pleading for a relationship that seemed so secure just a few moments before.
I have never begged before, and don’t know why I am doing it now. I know Eva will barely remember our conversation in the morning, but still, I can’t help but want to offer as much comfort to her as I can tonight.
Her face softens. Whatever I said did the trick. Either that or the alcohol haze has made it very simple to change her train of thought.
“Mr. Stewart, you’re too much, I don’t deserve you,” she smiles at first then grabs a hold of my leg as I see her begin to spin. “Um, Noah?”
“Yeah?”.
“I think I’m about to be sick,” she says, holding her hand to her mouth.
I yank her to her feet and hurry her to the bathroom as fast as I can. As I watch her throw up, my heart breaks. Not just for her. For us.
I know relationships go through ups and downs. I know everything isn’t always sunshine and roses. When any two souls collide, their existence is never entirely perfect. But my life changed the second I met Eva. The decision to love her was easy. What hurts the most, is I know she is free to make her own choices. I can offer myself to her in every way possible, and she could still leave. In the end, she could turn on me like Becky did.
I made my choice that night we had our first date. But for the first time since making that decision, I’m worried that maybe Eva won’t always choose me. Maybe the indecision she is wrestling with will always be greater than the love I can show her. If she’s already thinking that she might not be able to promise me forever, what kind of future could there ever be for us?
A future that seemed so secure when I had gone to bed now hangs motionless in the air like a bad dream I can’t shake.
When she seems like she’s feeling better, I carry her to bed. I help rid her of her clothes and grab one of my T-shirts for her to sleep in. After I manage to get her into it, I tuck her gently underneath the covers. I don’t join her. Instead, I sit in a chair near the bed watching her sleep and try to make sense of everything that’s just happened.
Eva has to feel the way I do. She has to know how lucky we are to have found each other. Still, fighting alone might not do the trick. She might not choose me. In the end, I could be left by the only woman I’ve truly ever loved.
Eva is worth the risk.
Question is, am I worth the risk to her?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Eva
The world seems like a very evil place when I wake up the next morning. Luckily, I don’t have to work and don’t need to be anywhere until later this evening when the party starts at Gatsby’s. Trying my best to not let the piercing light of day blind me, I sit in bed and notice I am in Noah’s apartment.
Visions of the end of the night come flooding back to me. I remember drinking heavily, and Gwen and me dancing at the third bar we stumbled into. A bar that just happened to be down the street from Noah’s. Soon after, Gwen found a guy and plastered herself all over him. I then sat alone with the thoughts I had been trying to run from all night.
When it most definitely looked like Gwen was going home with her new bar friend, I drunkenly started my walk of shame toward Noah’s place, clutching my beer tight in my hand. I actually remember that part only because I was so shocked I walked out of the bar with it and no one said anything.
Then Noah. I remember him, remember the room spinning, throwing up, and him taking care of me, putting me to bed. But for the life of me, I cannot remember what we talked about.
It couldn’t have been bad, could it?
I move towards the end of the bed and sit for a moment, debating when I should actually attempt standing. I feel worse than I have in years, thanks to those good old IPAs I love to drink so much.
Taking a quick short glance around the apartment, I notice Noah is already gone. I remember him saying yesterday before I went out for the night that he had to work a job in the morning, and honestly, I am relieved I don’t have to face him just yet. For the first time in months, I’m slightly nervous about seeing him again. Not remembering our conversation last night, but remembering how drunk I let myself get, I’m sure it will make things awkward between the two of us.
Deciding what I need most is a hot shower, a huge breakfast, coffee, and my own bed, I slowly make my descent off Noah’s covers. I then begin slowly changing into my own clothes. Glancing at my phone, I notice Gwen has already texted me. She tells me she has grabbed the car and wants to know where I am and if I need a ride.
I quickly text her back that I’m at Noah’s and tell her how to find me since she has never been here before. I’m extremely thankful that Gwen is better at this hangover situation than I am. I feel like I can’t even function properly.
Gwen texts back that she’s on her way, and I brace myself, trying to get ready to face the daylight outside. The sun, of course, has to be especially bright this morning. My mouth is dry, my head pounds like the overly loud bass in Gatsby’s on a Friday night, and my body feels heavy. Every step feels like a huge hurdle as I try and will my body to do what I need it to do just to make it home.
