“How are things with you and Noah?” she asks with a touch of hurt in her tone.
“We’re good. Real good. He gave me a key,” I tell her. “First time in my life that has ever happened.”
Gwen doesn’t say anything. She raises her eyebrows and takes another sip of her drink. I thought Gwen liked Noah, but I’m starting to think otherwise.
“What, is that weird? Too fast?” I ask her.
“No, not at all. I mean, not if you're happy?”
Her question startles me. Never before has she bothered to find out if I’m happy in any of my relationships.
“He makes me happy,” I say. “I love him.”
“Do you?” Gwen asks. A sense of urgency laces her tone.
I sit there for a moment, let her question invade my thoughts, and search my best friend's face. Gwen looks scared, worried, mad, hurt. I can tell she wants what’s best for me, and she thinks Noah is not it. Gwen simply just doesn’t know Noah like I do. She doesn’t know the man that changed his whole world just to be with me. That took guts.
“I do, Gwen. He’s an amazing man. He gave up everything for me. He stayed and changed his whole life just to be with me,” I try explaining. “How could I not love a man that would give up everything just to be with me?”
Gwen’s response is slow to come, but powerful when spoken. With one simple question, she stops time and changes everything that I’ve been trying to fight since Noah walked into my life.
“But are you willing to do the same, Eva?” she asks.
Even though I’ve been dancing around the same thought, the question hits me like a ton of bricks as it leaves her lips. I’m hurt Gwen would even suggest such a thing. I’m mad that anyone would think I’m the type of girl who wouldn’t give back what was so freely given to her. It’s as if she’s accusing me of using Noah or something. And then, I’m sad. Sad that for the first time I’m forced to face the little voice inside me I was trying so hard to ignore.
The burning reality that, maybe I’m not willing to give him what he’s so freely given me.
I sit there, on the back patio of a local bar with my best friend, and suddenly feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. The thought never stuck in my mind before simply because I always forced it away. Now, it claws at me like a bad disease.
“Your silence, my sweet dear friend, is unfortunately your answer,” Gwen says, breaking my train of thought. The look of pity on her face is one I will never forget.
I don’t want that to be the answer. I love Noah, I know I do, but giving up a life I had planned and hoped for long before I ever met him is not something I can easily part with.
“I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t give up everything for him,” I snap, unable to accept my inner torment. “You don’t know that Gwen, you don’t know what we have….”
“Ah, but I know you,” Gwen cuts me off.
I can’t argue with that. She does know me. She knows all I stood for, all I dreamed for, all I’ve set my hopes on ever since I was a little girl.
“That’s not fair,” I whisper.
“Listen, Ev,” Gwen says, leaning forward. “I love you. You know that.” I nod, waiting for my friend to continue. “But you have dreams, girl. Ambitions! You live life fuller than I have ever seen anyone live it, possibly ever. The whole reason I never gave up on life is because I had you by my side, pushing me every damn day.” Gwen’s voice breaks as she talks about losing her sister. I find it hard to contain my own emotions as a tear slides down my face. “You set the bar high, girl, and the rest of us can only aspire to follow and obtain even half the goals you have set for yourself.”
Gwen pauses for a moment thinking. She takes a drink before continuing.
“I tried to let myself die when my sister did. And God knows I’m no sort of example to look up to, but you saw through all that. You kept me going. You never gave up on me, and because of that, I never gave up on myself. I won’t let you give up on your dreams. If you tell me your dreams are to marry the sexy, southern, tall, construction-working, hot volunteer firefighter from Kentucky and have a million babies, possibly being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen the rest of your life, I’ll respect that. But I won’t accept it. Just, please, think about what I’m saying. Sometimes you only get one chance in life. I just want to make sure you’re making the right one.”
Gwen trails off, and I’m stunned in silence. I can barely even think straight, let alone form any sort of comeback. Looking down at the bottle in my hand, I try to process all my past, all the present, and all the future I’ve hoped for. My breathing quickens, and I find it hard to be in any form of reality right now. Taking a long sip of beer, I subconsciously and involuntarily decide the best option is to get rip-roaring drunk. And the sooner the better.
I slam back three-quarters of the beer I have left, stand, and make my way to the bar to order two more. Tipping the bartender more than anyone ever should, I wink at him and tell him to keep them coming.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Noah
“Mr. Stewart, Oh, Mr. Stewart!”
I wake up to the sound of a woman’s voice singing my name. Foggy and still trying to make sense of what is going on, I sit up in bed and look at the time. 12:45. Scratching my head, I try my best to focus on the voice I just heard coming from right outside the front door.
