“Dina,” Joana said as she was handed two tall, cooled glasses.“Come, have some of this.”The angel waited, but the star in his head said nothing, so he took one glass, lifted it to his lips and felt the rim burn his mouth from how cold it was.He sipped anyway, then made a face at the taste.“Good, right?”Dina wasn’t sure, but he experimentally tried to have some more, though he flinched again.“That guy wants to dance with you.”She jerked her head at one of the men by the bar, beside the kingpin she’s been talking to.“You should.We might be here a little while.”
Dina instantly shook his head.“I can’t?—”
“What, you scared of God?Scared of looking gay?”she laughed.“Isn’t the world going to end?Try it.See why humans love sin so much.”
Again, Dina waited for guidance from his star, but there was none, and so when the man approached, he allowed his free hand to be taken, and he felt himself pulled toward the crowd.
Dante answered: “Of course I want to, idiot.Let me go.”
Tadeo said, “You know too much about me for me to let you live.”
“I don’t know anything,” Dante drawled.“I don’t even know what you fucking are.I saw you turn into some giant… thing.I saw you turn into a giant.If you’re going to kill me, at least explain what I saw.”
Tadeo inhaled through his nose, considering ending this all, ripping out the rest of the soldier’s arm then his head.Instead, he confessed quietly, “I don’t know.I don’t know either.Ten years ago, I died, and I came back from the dead like this.I think that God blessed me.”Dante’s expression flickered with something, perhaps surprise.“I could turn into that… giant.I was ashamed after I came back from the dead, though.I refused to go out.I even let my family think I was dead for some time.”Cautiously, he took steps toward his captive, looking down at him much calmer than before.“After I showed them what I was, what I could do — they were scared of me.”
“Why did you start killing criminals?”asked Dante with a levelheadedness that surprised Tadeo as well.
“A friend.”Joana.“She made me do it.I was scared of myself, but she told me I had a duty.”
“Hm.”Dante laughed, though it seemed humorless.“So, you resurrected.God blessed you.Of course.”
Tadeo glared his single eye.“You saw it for yourself.”And, without thinking, he reached for the bandages of his face, tugging them harshly aside to show the enormous gape in his head, how it passed all the way through, how all the brain matter he had remaining was visible at an angle.
Except Dante was looking at his feet again.“I did.I really fucking did.”
“Then?”
“I don’t believe in God,” he confessed, “but I suppose I can believe in you.”
CHAPTER13
Dina lay in bed, facing a wall.There was no nausea in him as there had been last morning, but his mind still flashed with the lights, the sensations — a hand on his back, the burn in his mouth, the deep hole in his stomach, each thud of the music and the bodies dragging against him.A pair of broken lips, husky against his ear, wet tongue, teeth scraping.Black inkblots bled into his memory — a dark shadow where the man’s face should be — and he found himself unable to remember chronologically.He had been drinking one moment, then the man had a leg between his own, then he was by himself, briefly, at the center of an oval of people, who clapped their hands and cheered.He’d been dancing for them.Angels love to dance, about as much as they like to sing — though this is often never written about.Dina himself had never danced much, only a few times in secret with Azazel and Armoni and a handful of other times in his short life before the war.The first time he’d danced, it had been with angel Lucifer.
Ta, ta, ta— Lucifer’s feet had hit the table they were on top of.
Dina could still feel the leg of the stranger pressing up between his thighs; he could still feel his breath caught in his throat, the stutter of his heart.‘Dina,’ called the star Apsinthos.The fingers squeezing his waist, the chorus again and again, the spinning of the room as he was handed drink after drink.‘Angel.’Suddenly, a certain goodness had lit aflame in his belly, nascent and novel.It had been wonderful, all the touches.‘Are you going to waste another day in bed?’
Finally, Dina lifted his body, so abrupt that he expected for a wave of nausea to hit as it had the previous morning.“Hm?”‘You’re still here, still in bed?’“I’m sorry,” he whispered.“I’m sorry…”
Slow, the angel readjusted, saw himself donned in shorts and a shirt too small, that showed a sliver of the brown skin of his belly.Nearby, he could hear the shuffling of feet, furniture, the murmur of talking.And he remembered he was in the home of Tadeo, the anti-Christ.The voice of Uriel, again, again, echoed in his mind, telling Dina of the apocalypse that must never occur.‘What am I doing here?’This place that was nothing like the forests and castles in his fairy books.Abruptly, he remembered the sensation of the books in his hands, and the deep reverb of Uriel’s voice nearby, telling Dina to go to bed.He remembered flushing, lifting his chin, staring at the old angel nearby, standing by the dim glow of candlelight.
‘Very few times,’ Dina thought, ‘you were warm to me, Uriel.But I cherished those moments.After losing Azazel and Armoni, I thought I’d never know kindness again from an angel.Sometimes, you handed me bread, and I thanked you with all of my heart.I thanked you for telling me to rest.Thank you for letting me live with you even if you don’t want me here.Once, Uriel, you said that you didn’t mind me.Once, you grabbed the collar of my tunic and told me not to touch you ever again after I tried embracing you.I never want to see you angry at me.If I ended our world, would you forgive me?’
‘Don’t apologize,’ said the star, ‘angel.Do you still feel ill?’
‘What happened to me?’
‘You were drunk.’
‘I’ve been… like this before.’Once or twice in his short life before the war, and a couple more times in the dark with Azazel and Armoni.‘It was more intense this time.I wanted his touch — that man’s.I think he thought I was a woman.He used terms for me that I know they reserve for women.I liked his hands, though I know it’s against the laws of Heaven to think so.He pressed his body to me, and that’s against the laws too.It’s a sin to enjoy it.’
‘You’re already a sinner.’
‘But I cannot ask for forgiveness again.’Dina hesitated, then — ‘Is this right, Apsinthos?’
‘Is being touched right?’
‘No.No, I mean being here, on Earth.Uriel said that humanity shouldn’t rise to Heaven.And I like Uriel.He’s always been right.He’s the angel of wisdom.’
