“Yeah, but you did,” I said, “for damn near thirty years. My birthday is on Halloween, Pops, and you’re just now telling me you realized that you were wrong?”
He sighed and shook his head. “I knew I was wrong when your grandparents died, and you had to come here with us. It was easy for me to ignore my fucked up choices while you were away, but when you moved in, I had to face it every time I faced you. You wanted nothing to do with us, and I didn’t blame you for it. I let you do your thing and didn’t try to force you to have a relationship with me; that’s why I invested in your skills. Mypride wouldn’t let me humble myself, ask for your forgiveness, and try to establish a relationship with you. So… I settled on making you one of the most lethal killers in the South.”
“So what is this about?” I asked. “Why are you saying this now?”
“Because I’m getting older, and I’m still in these streets, and my life can be taken from me at any moment. I only have one regret in my life, and that’s not establishing a relationship with you and making sure you got along with all your brothers.” He paused. “I expressed to Mona that regardless of whether you wanted to have a relationship with me or not, that I’d tell you I was wrong. That I’d advocate for you and Clover to get along.” His attention shifted to Clover as he said, “And you gon’ stop with all that stray shit. He’s just as much my son as you are,” before he looked back at me. “Julia ain’t been in my life since the day she told me she was pregnant, and if Mona wants to continue to hold on to that, that’s her cross to bear. She told me I had to choose between you and her, and I chose you. So she moved out.”
“Damn,” Keem muttered.
“Was not expecting that,” Nathan added.
“Sorry to hear that, Pops,” Clover said. “I can’t believe she actually left.” He pulled his phone out, and I figured he was about to text his mama.
Pops chuckled. “I can. Ya mama ain’t loved me since she found out I was cheating on her. She stayed because she knew I’d give her whatever to keep her around. Now that I’m no longer willing to be punished for it, there was no reason for her to stay.”
“And you’re okay with that?” I asked.
“Honestly,… yeah. I love Mona, but I wanted her too much. It was unhealthy on both of our parts. I could do my shit and still come home. She’d nag me about it, but all I had to do was give her money or buy her something, and she’d be good. Mona usedguilt and the threat of leaving to get whatever she could out of me. She used me. That shit’s played out now. I’m getting older, and I’m losing my patience. I ain’t got time or the desire to be walking around on eggshells, trying not to offend or anger my wife. She always has something to say about what I’m saying or doing, and if she’s so unsatisfied with me as a man, it’s best that we go our separate ways.”
“You chose me?” I damn near whispered in disbelief. “I feel like you just said that because she gave you an ultimatum.”
“Nah.” Pops chuckled. “I chose you. I chose her all your life, Son. It’s past time I chose you.” I was honestly speechless, so I remained silent, and he continued. “I know this won’t change things, but I’m hoping this will clear the air enough for us to try and have a relationship. I’m willing to carry the load and do all the work if you’re willing to let me. If not, I understand. We can keep things how they are, but my choice will remain the same. I will still choose you, and I will not go back to her.”
He was right—this didn’t change things. It didn’t make him giving me away better. It didn’t make him letting my grandparents raise me feel less like a rejection every day of my life. It didn’t stop the anger and hurt that consumed me, knowing he chose his other sons and not me. It didn’t make the young me feel less insecure… like I wasn’t good enough. It did, however, show me a side of him that I didn’t know existed until tonight. While I appreciated that, it didn’t break my heart open and make me want to run into his arms.
“You uh, take all the time you need to think about it,” Pops said as he stood. “In the meantime, let’s eat this fish before it gets cold.”
My brothers stood and followed him into the kitchen, but I didn’t get up right away. When Clover walked past me, he squeezed my shoulder. I was so used to fighting him over the years that my fists balled up out of reflex.
“I ain’t ready to say I’m sorry yet,” he said as I looked up at him, “but I know the way I treated you has been wrong. I’ma follow Pops’ lead and do better. Hope for right now that’s enough.”
All I did was bob my head. Since we’d physically fought numerous times over the years, I couldn’t act like shit would magically get better between us. The nigga had made it his life mission it seemed to remind me that I wasn’t a part of their family, regardless of how close Keem, Nathan, and I got. I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t yearn for a relationship with my older brother and father, but I’d also gotten used to not having it.
After a while, I got up, fixed my plate, and met them in the dining room. As we ate, they talked and joked, but I remained silent. They didn’t pressure me to talk, which I appreciated. I didn’t see myself welcoming Pops and Clover into my life on a more personal level any time soon, but I did respect and appreciate the conversation we’d just had.
I waited patiently for Cordova to respond, but I appreciated the time she was taking to choose her words right. As soon as I made it home, I told her about what Pops said. Initially, I planned to keep it to myself,… for now at least. She had enough shit on her plate, and I wasn’t trying to add mine. Regardless ofhow much I assured her we could replace everything lost in the fire, some things we would never be able to—pictures, jewelry, memories. Maybe not having memories of her time with her cousins wasn’t so bad, but she’d always had a genuine bond with her aunt and uncle.
“How did it make you feel?” she asked me, turning slightly in bed to face me.
“I’m not sure yet. I mean, it felt like a vindication of sorts. I didn’t really need Pops to validate my place in the family, because I certified myself. I’m Him. I know who the fuck I am, but I appreciated him saying what he said. Clover too. Just not sure what to do.”
“Do you want to have a relationship with them? I know you don’t need to, and you certainly don’t have to,… but do youwantto?”
A long sigh escaped me as I looked toward the ceiling. “I did for a while. Now that it might be a possibility, I’m not sure. Kind of like getting something you’ve learned to live without, feel me? We shared details over the years and made small talk, but that’s been the extent of our relationship. How would we even have more?”
“Well, he did tell you he’d put in the work if you allowed him to,” she said sweetly.
Sucking my teeth, I shook my head. “Nah. Plus, I’d feel like a hypocrite. I was just telling you not to accept bad behavior from your family just because they were your family.”
“Yeah, but our situations are different. I yearned for a relationship with my family, and they didn’t want to have one with me. No one except Lily, at least, and that was conditional. They kept treating me poorly. Your father is trying to make amends, and from the sound of it, your brother will too. So if you wanted to have a deeper relationship with them, as long as they met your terms, no one would blame you for that at all. I wouldhave loved for things to get better between me and my cousins, but that simply wasn’t the case. I don’t think you’re a hypocrite. I actually love that you have this chance.”
My head shook as I considered her words. What she was saying was true, but just the thought of getting close to either of them wasn’t sitting well with me. Not right now at least. I told her I’d consider it, and she told me she’d support me either way.
“Regardless of what I want with them, all I need is you,” I reminded her against her ear, and when she purred and giggled, my dick throbbed.
That declaration led to me being inside of her, which had become my second favorite place to be. The first was honestly and simply with her. It didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing; all I needed was her presence, and that was more than enough. Her tight, warm, wet pussy was a very, very close second though.
After we showered and fell asleep, I thought I was hearing things when my phone started to ring. With me keeping everyone on alert for Brandon, I’d been keeping my ringer on.
