The club’s colors were simple to paint: a skull with a crown in the middle and the text at the top and bottom. It hadn’t taken him much more than an hour. But these murals he’d been commissioned for? They would take him days to paint. Possibly days to come up with a design before he could even get to painting. He was staying at the clubhouse because he didn’t want to be stuck hours away if inspiration struck, but that meant sharing his space with a bunch of other people. At least he’d grown up with some of them.
A sigh fell from his lips, and he was grateful the others didn’t seem to catch it. They were overprotective. Each in their own way. He couldn’t decide whether he was happy about it or not. Being babied wasn’t fun, but he also knew he was vulnerable right now. His mind wasn’t his friend.
A low chuckle had him snapping his gaze onto Emma and his brother. Travis was feeding Emma a piece of bacon, and just as she was about to close her mouth over it, Travis pulled it away, a huffing sound coming from him when she playfully elbowed him in the side. She grabbed him by the wrist and held his hand still to take a bite of the bacon.
Emmett shook his head and walked off before that turned into something he didn’t want to witness. He hated the empty feeling it sometimes gave him to see them happy. He wanted that for himself. Someone who’d do things for him just because they loved him, the way he would for them. He wanted someone who would dance in the kitchen with him as they cooked instead of telling him it was childish and to turn down the music. He wanted someone who loved him exactly as he was. Someone who loved himbecauseof who he was. That dark part of him tried toconvince him he’d never find that, and he was inclined to believe it.
He went to take a shower, the hot water washing over him and doing nothing to ease the tension in his body. He tried to massage his tense muscles, but nothing helped. He rested his forehead against the tiles, eyes closed as water beat down his back. He wasn’t sure how to fix everything that was wrong in his life. Wasn’t sure any of it was truly fixable.
He breathed in deeply and pushed away from the wall. He stepped out of the shower and dried off, his mind whirling. At least when he had a blank canvas in front of him, he was likely to home in on the task and forget everything around him. He was looking forward to that. To not be stuck in his own head like this.
He dressed and walked across the hall to his room, which looked like utter chaos. There were moving boxes stacked in the corner, most of them unopened because he had no clue where to put his things. While he hadn’t had much to take with him from his and Heath’s apartment, the room his brother had given up for him in his apartment wasn’t exactly big.
He picked up the bag Travis had lent him and turned to his closet. Things had mostly been thrown in there haphazardly, and he had no clue what was what. With a deep sigh, he grabbed the closest pile and dropped it on his bed.
He pulled a few shirts out of the pile, folding and placing them in his bag. He’d need normal clothes as well as clothes to work in. He reached for a shirt, accidentally grabbing the blue one underneath it. He pulled it out and felt his throat close up.
It was a shirt Heath had bought him.
He didn’t want anything to do with it. He wanted it gone.
He looked around his room for somewhere to put it and landed on the trash can. He crossed the room, pulling the empty bag out of the trash can, and shoved the shirt into it. He knew there was more clothing he didn’t want. Things Heathhad bought or wanted him to wear. He’d put it all together and donate it.
He jumped when there was a rap on his door, his heart hammering as he turned to see Emma pop her head inside, a soft smile on her lips.
“Hey. We’ll head down and wait for you by the car.”
“OK,”he signed, his mind a jumble of thoughts. He turned back to the clothes covering his bed and cringed. He didn’t have time.
The spark of urgency, knowing the others were waiting for him, had his bag filled and his tablet shoved inside in less than a minute. He grabbed his leather jacket off the hook behind the door, then pulled the strap of his bag over his head. He didn’t look back as he walked out the door. It felt almost as if he was leaving behind more than clothes.
He headed down the stairs and found Emma and Travis just outside the front door of the building. He came to a halt when he noticed them signing. He didn’t mean to snoop, but he couldn’t help it when he saw Emma sign,“He’s not okay.”
His heart squeezed painfully in his chest, and then it took off racing.
“E’s fine,”Travis told her with a shrug.
Even from here, he could see the thunderous expression on Emma’s face.
“No, he’s not! Pretending is notfine.”
Swallowing hard, he dropped his gaze to the ground, the weight of Emma’s words hitting him like a freight train because she was right. He wasn’t fine. Pretending seemed to make it better for everyone around, but he wasn’t so sure it was better for him. He didn’t know what else to do, though. He always hid his struggles. There had been too many of them throughout his life for him not to. Hiding it kept the peace. It had kept himand his brother from being shipped around to yet another foster family. At least for a while.
It wasn’t until they were fostered by Dad and Daddy that he slowly learned he didn’t have to hide. For some reason, they wanted him to share, and when he did, they didn’t turn their backs on him. It had been tough to learn, and still, he fell back into his old patterns time and again.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, straightening his back before walking out and facing Emma and his brother. He only found Emma there, her jaw clenched tightly as she glared off toward where he suspected his brother had disappeared to.
She glanced up when she heard him approach.
“You ready?” she asked with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Emma nodded, her gaze falling to his bag. “Did you pack enough?”
“It should only take a week, and if it takes longer, there’s a washing machine I can use, right?”
Emma’s lips spread in a smile that was the opposite of reassuring.
