Fuck yeah,he’dleftherto go on runs over the years. Two or three times, he’d been gone two weeks. Once, it had been nearly a month. Nowadays, though, he usually took her with him. He hated their time apart, a sentiment she’d always echoed.
“Christopher?”
Too outdone to speak, he tightened his hold on her.
“If I could think of any other way, I would. But Rebel needs me and my undivided attention, just like she had in LA.”
“I’m her old man, Megan. You ain’t got to shut me out. The three of us could go places. I’ll stay at the fuckin’ hotel while you and her do shit and bond.”
“Some of our most meaningful conversations took place in the hotel.”
“Youfought for her to be equal to the boys. You takethosemotherfuckers away for mother/son time?”
“Would youletme take them away?”
“Fuck no. We got too many swingin’ dicks in the fuckin’ family. You’d never fuckin’ be home.”
She laughed, but he didn’t because not a fucking thing was funny.
“You can’t come with us, Christopher. You have to stay home and take care of the rest of our kids.”
His mind raced, memories of his misery while his wife was away prickling his skin. “How about we go away for the summer? All of us? Wherever we fuckin’ go, I get separate rooms for you, Reb, and Jo, and me and the boys. This summer, we tour different fuckin’ states. Next year, we go to Europe. The year after, Asia or the Caribbean or anyfuckinwhere, Megan.”
“No,” she said stubbornly.
He thought over her conversation, searching for something to grab onto and use as an argument. “Wait. What the fuck you mean a fuckin’ safe space?” he demanded, circling back to her original reason. “This about motherfuckin’ Diesel, ain’t it? You want to take Rebel away so she can blush and giggle overhimand you can listen without askin’ ifshe’slost her motherfuckin’ mind.” He sat up, overwhelmed. Megan just wouldn’t fuckin’behave; Rebel was a spoiled fuckin’ brat; and Diesel was a soon-to-be-cockless motherfucker. “What the fuck you meant when you fuckin’ said that motherfucker don’t see Rebel as his sister? What the fuck he did?”
She lifted herself into a sitting position and leaned her head against him. “Christopher, you have got to allow me to handle Rebel in this situation. The more we resist, the quicker we will push her to him.”
“The quicker that motherfucker die.”
“Your reaction is exactly why I need to have mother/daughter time with Rebel away from you and her brothers. And Diesel.”
Christopher started to get out of bed, but Megan grabbed his wrist.
“We call Diesel our son, but all we’ve ever done is extolled CJ’s virtues. Your expectations of my potato.Myexpectations. We pat Diesel on the back, tell him good job, call him our eldest, but put him behind CJ. Ifno one elsenotices the stark differences, Diesel does.” She slid closer to him. “And so does Rebel.”
Christopher drew her into his arm, settling her into the crook, and leaned back on his pillow. “I saw CJ followin’ in my fuckin’ footsteps two motherfuckin’ years before I met Diesel, Megan.”
“I know. All you ever dreamed of was CJ following in your footsteps, but he was two when Diesel arrived. He became a Caldwell not long after he moved in. A Caldwell, Christopher.Yourson. He admired you so much. Even today, he admires you.”
“The fuck he do. I wasn’t no old motherfucker lustin’ after a young girl.”
Megan sighed. “Work with me here. Self-awareness would go a long way right now.”
“You wasn’t no kid!” Christopher roared.
“Umkay,” she said with a little sniff. “My point is, neither of us ever asked him if he wanted what seemed to be CJ’s destiny from the moment I conceived him. Even your plan to retire and install Diesel was so he could fill in untilCJwas old enough. Not because you saw his potential as a club leader.”
“You settin’ me the fuck up, sayin’ all this cuz you want that motherfucker with Rebel.”
“Christopher, I swear to you he is the last person I want with our baby girl. But—”
“Ain’t no fuckin’buts!”
“Yes, there is,” she said stubbornly. “Diesel is about to marry Jana—”
“I ain’t seen that bitch. I’d bet my fuckin’ life he don’t really love her.”
