I waved my hands."Sure.Magic house and all.I thought maybe I'd gotten a magic butler.No?Well this is disappointing."
I ignored the butler’s indignant huff as I led the way down to the formal dining room.Like everything else in my super fancy, amazing mansion, the dining room was a combination of class and sparkle.Flowers and crystal adorned every surface, all set off by pretty lace and lots of pink and yellow.
The ugly burglar was standing at the end of the long, elegant dining table, staring at an array of plates and bowls.He had a set of graceful glass tumblers set up over some pots with a contraption made out of bent serving-ware, like they were beakers in a mad science lab.And…how was the water in the potsboilingright now?As I gaped at him in delicate, feminine shock, he reached over and snagged a thick sandwich from a plate and took a messy bite before haphazardly setting it aside, onlymostlygetting it back on the plate, dribbling bits of shredded lettuce all over the table.His mixed-up hazel eyes were still glued to his experiments as he muttered to himself and waved his long, bony-fingered hand in a weird gesture like he was writing in the air.
The contents of one of the tumblers kind of…poofed…and the glass cracked, dribbling something neon green into the boiling water below.It made a hissing cloud of smoke and the crazy weirdo hastily snatched up his sandwich and darted away, coming to join us in the doorway.
"Oh," he said, only now realizing me and my perfect, muscly knights were present."Hi, Mare.Done climbing the man mountains now?"He stuffed another bite of his sandwich into his mouth, not at all concerned about the noxious, boiled-cabbage scent of the fumes that now filled the dining room.
I took a step back, so I didn't get his weirdness on me.The Hawaiian shirt was as loud as ever.My eyes watered, and I wasn't sure if it was because of the fumes or his offensive appearance."What the heck are youdoingdown here?"I managed to shout over the loud colors of his shirt.
He shrugged."Well, I got hungry.And I wanted to get a head start on undoing this curse of yours.I can't just sit around in mauve hell waiting on you to get your head out of the clouds.I was going to knock on your bedroom door, but I heard the gross fake orgasm sounds coming from there and decided to explore by myself instead."
He finished the last hunk of his sandwich, waving his hand to clear the room with a weird swirl of air while he chewed."The world where they anchored this pocket dimension isweird.It's like they don't even have magic here at all."
We all blinked at him."Magic isn't real," Dray said, his deep, rumbly voice sounding all cute and defensive, at the same time that I blurted "I didn't fake it!"
Cass nodded from my other side, both men ignoring my possible lie."Yeah, that magic crap's for children's stories and weird Disney movies."
The ugly burglar rolled his eyes."Okay.Yeah.We'll just pretend that we don't all know this whole world you've got going on here is bullshit."His eyes lit on me and he smirked."And of course you faked it.Everythingaboutyou is fake,Mary Sue."
I shook my head, trying to make sense of…well, anything, really.Clearly, I was the queen, and I needed to take charge.It was just expected of me."Okay," I said slowly."Let's just pretend anything you said makes sense.Ifyou were some sort of evil magical wizard guy, would that mean you could tell me how my magical house works and how I'm supposed to uncover this hidden kingdom and fulfill my destiny?"
He blinked at me."I'm not evil.Let's start there.Then we'll move on to what the fuck you're talking about.Mare, you makezerosense these days.Less than zero.Negative sense."
I sighed and pulled the letter I'd received earlier from my back pocket.Sure, he might be a Bad Person.But a great and powerful ruler knew when to make compromises."I got this just before the house apparently sealed itself up and you crawled in my window to peep at me and steal the silverware."
He blinked at me."Right."Then he bent his head and studied the letter.When he finished, he lifted his eyes to mine and confusion filled his expression."You got this in the mail?"
"Yes."
"And you think it'sreal?"
"Well,obviously."
He looked at the men at my side."You guys too?Tell mesomeonethought this was weird?"
Hedwig had come to tidy up the mess on the table.He chose that moment to drop a pile of pots and dishes, the crash making us all jump."Apologies," the stuffy man said as he bent and started picking up his mess."For a second there, I…forgot who I was."
I rolled my eyes.My butler was senile.Just great.
The ugly wizard stared at the butler, then went to help him pick up the mess."Whoareyou then," he asked casually.
Hedwig sighed.He opened and closed his mouth a few times in that weird…chewing his words…thing he did sometimes.He managed to finally say, "I am Hedwig, the queen's butler.Just a lowly…servant."
"Right," the wacky wizard said tiredly.
I tapped my foot impatiently."Well?Can you not be evil for long enough to help us figure out the secrets of my ultra-cool mansion and find this hidden kingdom thing?I'm sure I have like, loyal, adoring subjects or something hidden away, justwaitingfor their queen to come rescue them."
He stood, pausing to pat Hedwig on the shoulder for some reason before the butler scuttled off."I…for fuck's sake.”He threw his hands in the air.“Sure.Let's do that.Let's go explore your 'house.'"
I tilted my head.Did the weirdo just imply my house wasn't a house?But then I caught sight of my beautiful, pink-glossed nails and I suddenly couldn't remember what I'd been so worried about.I smiled.I had a magical mansion to explore and a kingdom of adoring fans—uh, I mean subjects—to find.And my nails werePerfect Petal Pink!Why should I be worried?
Chapter 6
Okay.Mynewmagichouse was frogging amazing!I had lost count of the number of rooms we’d explored so far.We were currently on the…third floor, I think?It was hard to keep track, since each room we entered was more magical and perfect than the last.It was like someone had made a list of every girly wish and ensured it came true.
I could have easily spent an eternity in any one of the rooms we explored, but the Bad Wizard, or whatever he was, ruined the fun every single time.I stomped my delicate little foot and gave a perfectly cute pout when he insisted that we leave the rainbow-colored peacocks in their aviary room so we could continue mapping out the house.
