One question remains. Am I woman enough to face him now? God, I sure hope so.
I round the corner, headed back to my apartment, and start running down a side street. My head is not paying attention to my feet on the sidewalk, and I almost trip over a dip. Slowing down briefly, I speed up again as the song “Love Me Anyway” by P!nk and Chris Stapleton blasts through my headphones. I take another corner and slow a little when I feel my head get dizzy.
That’s funny. Maybe I didn’t drink enough water today? Pushing through, I tell myself I’m only two blocks from the apartment, and I won’t stop now. I need this release like the air I breathe. The air that is not coming quickly enough as I run the last block, and the dizziness sets in again. Slowing slightly, I jog the last few steps and see Eva standing at the foot of my building. A smile spreads across her face as she sees me approach. Taking the earbuds out of my ears, I come to a stop in front of her.
“Hey,” I greet her, entirely out of breath. “What brings you here?”
“Wanted to see if you were down to have a little girl’s night? Noah and Rex are out doing ‘boy’ things, and I don’t want to sit all alone.”
The dizziness returns, and I brace myself on the stair’s railing at my side. “Yeah, totally. Just let me go upstairs and shower.”
“You ok?” Eva asks, concerned. “You look a little pale.”
“I’m good. I didn’t drink enough water today. Come on up. I will jump in a quick shower, and we can decide what to do.”
She follows me up the steps, and I unlock the apartment. The cool air conditioning blows past me as I walk into the room, slightly righting my head that still doesn’t feel like it should. I go into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of water. Even with the air on, the room still feels hot and stuffy. Eva follows me, her eyes are glued to her phone.
“So, where can we go tonight? What kind of trouble can one married woman and one ‘I’m not admitting I’m taken’ girl get into on a Thursday in NOLA?”
“Very funny,” I say, stepping away from the counter and feeling my head throb. “What sounds good to you?”
Vomit rises in my throat as my head continues to spin. The room becomes a haze, but still, I push through it. I need to sit down. Where is the couch?
“I was thinking we could… Hey, Gwen. Are you sure you’re alright?” Eva asks, grabbing my arm as I try to reach the living room.
“Yeah,... I just… need to drink a little more water, and….”
Before I can speak another word, blackness consumes me. My body feels light as a feather as I hit the floor. The last thought that runs through my mind is one of Belle, of Rex, and all the things left unspoken.
* * *
Seven Years Old
“Ring around the roses, pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes. We all fall down.”
My sister falls on the grass beside me, and we giggle as the wet earth beneath us dampens our sun dresses. Momma and Daddy said we could stay outside until it got dark. The lamps in the street are not on yet, so we promised we’d play another game before going in.
“Hey, Gwen,” Belle asks. “Do you think you’ll get married and have babies one day?”
I wiggle my nose and think about it. I don’t know if I will ever get married. The only boy I like in the second grade is Matt Morris, and I saw him pick his boogers the other day. Gross. I shrug, lying on the ground next to her.
“I dunno, do you?”
“I hope so,” she sighs, all romantic-like. “Momma says one day, when you meet the right boy, you just know. Isn’t that amazing? I want to meet that boy, Gwen. Do you think you’ll know when you do?”
I think about it a minute before I respond. I don’t know how you can just meet someone and already know you are going to marry them. That seems a little silly if you ask me. But she seems to like the idea, and I did hear Momma talking about it the other day, so maybe it is true.
“I guess. I don’t really know. I never really thought about it.”
“Well, one day, when we are older, I want to get married and have one boy and one girl. I’m going to name the girl Sophia and the boy Colton. I’m going to marry a man who loves me and brings me flowers, and you’re going to be my maid of honor. We’re going to get married in the country, in a field, and he’s going to love me forever and ever.”
I laugh at my sister. “You know, you have to find the guy first, and then you have to plan this together. That is what I’m always hearing daddy tell mommy. That she has to talk to him and they have to decide as a team. Mommy lies and doesn’t tell Daddy everything in order to get her way.”
“Oh, phooey.” She sticks her tongue out at me, and I roll my eyes. “I think, when you fall in love, that you’d both do anything for each other. Even if it’s not what you thought you’d say or do because you love each other. Besides, Daddy doesn’t tell her everything, either. That’s not lying. It’s just waiting until the moment is right.”
“And what if the moment is never right?”
I look over at her, and she shrugs, her brow furrows. “Then, if you have to, you just wait a little while longer, I guess.”
